- I am classy.
I am strong.
I am...
A black woman.
I'm gorge- I mean, I'm gonna run out of fingers
if I keep counting.
(police sirens wail) (upbeat music)
(school bell rings)
All right, kids.
I am Deputy Williams,
and I'm gonna talk to y'all
about keeping yourself safe.
From pregnancy.
Now, I know you've probably heard a lot,
you know, about...
Condoms, or...
Or abstinence.
I'mma talk to you about something even better than that.
Mmm! Getting your tubes tied!
Yes!
Raise your hand if you know what epidural is?
Anybody?
All this, mine is still dead,
I don't feel none of that.
They're gonna cut you across here, all right?
Then they're gonna take the bottom of your stomach,
and they're gonna clip, clip that, to your breast meat.
All right, now if some of y'all
are still as flat chested as you are right now,
they're just gonna skizz it up underneath your rib cage.
You feel a tugging sensation, huh,
you feel this just being tugged on.
Then, after that,
you smell bacon.
Huh?
All right?
Because that's the laser burning your tubes.
Hopefully, you do understand,
if you wanna get with your man,
have a plan.
(police siren wails)
- We take you now, live,
for a statement from a representative
for the Reno Sheriff's Department.
- And then you, this part.
Bam, bam.
Then up, down, uh, uh.
And then...
Wait a minute. - And then this part?
- No, no, no, no. It's this.
- Oh.
Um, um, pah. Um, um, pah.
- Then it's this.
But you, I think you have to go this way,
like, if I go that way. - Okay.
- 'Cause I think that's how they had two lines.
- Okay, let's go from "Pah."
- Okay.
- Oom, pah, oom, oom, pah.
- [Man] Deputy.
Deputy. We're on the air.
We're on the air now, live.
- You're right, you're right, it's double.
It's double, double, walking, walking.
Double, double, walking, walking, walking.
- [Man] We're on the air now. We're live.
- Hello.
(police siren wails)
- Wow. That was some turkey dinner.
Huh, Carlo?
- I'm stuffed.
Let's hit the road.
- Stuffed?
That's funny, 'cause we had stuffing as a side...
Dish, with our turkey.
(police siren wails)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now hold up right there.
(whip cracks) Y'all ain't going nowhere.
- But we haven't had any alcohol,
or booze or pills.
- Oh yeah?
What do you call this?
- A turkey leg.
That's not drugs.
- The hell it ain't.
People, don't let this happen to you.
Get the facts! (whip cracks)
The truth is, tryptophan, a hormone found in turkey,
acts like a tranquilizer,
and can be a silent killer behind the wheel.
So, the next time you have to drive...
- [All] Have a tuna sandwich
and some melon instead of turkey.
(whip cracks)
(police siren wails)
- Man, I love graffiting.
- You can say that again.
(police siren wails)
- Having fun?
- [Both] Yep.
- I guess that's because neither of you
has ever had to toss anyone's salad.
- Excuse me?
- Graffiting is illegal
and it's a sure fire way
to get yourself in jail.
And trust me, when you get to jail,
you're gonna have to toss some of the bigger guy's salad.
- But I don't even know what tossing salads is.
- Some folks say it's worse than rape.
Some folks say better.
Keep up the graffiting, and you're gonna find out.
- Whatever it is, it doesn't sound fun.
- So play it safe.
And if your friends ask you to do graffiting with them,
tell them, "No thanks, I don't like salad."
I'm Deputy Raineesha Williams.
Keepin' it real.
(upbeat music)
Real safe.
(police siren wails)
I think I should definitely
be recognized by Strong Sister Ma-
(phone rings)
Strong Sister because
I am classy...
I am strong.
I am...
A black woman.
I'm gorg- I mean, I'm gonna run out of fingers
if I keep counting.
(laughs)
- And I wasn't available, so,
they couldn't ask me!
I'm just kidding.
(indistinct voice through the police radio)
- What drove you to get into law enforcement
and become a police officer?
- Um...
Well, um...
There were...
Some men. - Uh-huh.
In my life, that tried to bring me down.
- Okay, yeah.
- They tried to say "No,
"Raineesha, I won't pay child support."
They tried to say "No, I won't go half
"on your cable and your gas."
They tried to say "No, I will not buy you Pampers."
To which I said, "Yes" to law enforcement,
so I could track them down and know where they were
at all times.
(police siren wails)
- [Woman] Is that like a secret knock?
- Come here, you sexy thing.
Mmm, mmm.
- Ew, he's got juice from the other pregnant lady on him.
- Remember that movie I was telling you about?
- Yes?
- It's going.
- Do I get to play?
Josefina?
- Play whatever you want.
Remember, it's like an art film,
it's like a drama film.
But it's really mostly a porno movie.
- Right, right.
- It's called "Mistair."
- Oh, like Cirque du Soleil?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
"Mistair." It's like mist and hair.
- So are people hairy in it?
- One person.
- She's a whore.
- She's a whore!
- Go take a shower.
- Let me bite that lip. Remember.
(woman makes exaggerated kissing sounds)
- Next thing you know, he's gonna want some (bleep)
(raisheena gasps)
- She said, no, no, no,
he just told her to go take a shower.
- It's all me, it's all me.
I can smell me on you. I can smell me on you, go.
- Okay.
- She's probably so full of (bleep) juice from other guys.
- [Raisheena] I am so pissed off.
(raisheena gasps)
- [Woman] She come back!
- Seriously, why should I have to knock?
- Oh my God. We gotta do something.
- She's in the shower!
What if she finds out she's in the shower?
- I'mma call.
(phone rings)
- Yo?
- Casanova, I need you to do me a favor. I see you.
I need you to stand up and act very calm.
The Reno Sheriff's Department has been peeping out
your whole game.
And let us tell you what you gonna do.
(shotgun cocks) All right?
You gonna get rid of that skank whore.
You gonna ask your baby mama to do what?
Marry you.
And if you don't do it right now,
guess where you gonna spend the night?
On your knees, too!
- I wanna tell you something, okay?
- What?
- You complete me.
- [Raisheena] Yes!
- What the (bleep) are you talking about?
- You complete me, and (indistinct)
- [Raisheena] Go Jerry Maguire, yes!
- Just marry, will you marry me?
- You wanna marry me? Do you really?
- That's what I'm talking about.
(police siren wails)
- Hello.
- Reno Sheriff Department.
- The who?
- Reno Sheriff Department.
- Oh, come on.
I guess you white folk just harass black folks.
I'm doing nothing but standing out here,
trying to make a living.
- Sir, sir, we're black folk.
- Black?
- We're black.
- Prove it, prove it.
Let me hear you say "Sweet potato."
- Sweet potato.
(laughs)
Sweet potato.
What?
- That sounded a little white.
- Let me hear you say "Brother."
- Brother. - Go ahead!
(laughs)
- Right?
- What you doing with this white partner?
- Brother.
- Nah, he's-
- What you doing with this redneck?
- We didn't come to give you any money
but we came to help you get your pants up,
'cause your pants are down.
- What you mean?
I put my pants on I left home this morning.
My pants is on.
- Yeah, but they're down.
- No, they're down right now.
Well, they're down right now.
- That's that breezes I was feeling.
- You're exposing yourself, that's against the law.
- And there ain't a whole lot to expose, okay?
So, keep them up, all right?
- Call me small?
When I go pee, I got to sit down on the commode,
'cause the doctor told me don't lift nothing heavy,
'cause my back went out.
(raineesha laughs)
You gonna call me small.
- He put it on you with that one.
- So y'all just go ahead and...
Arrest some criminals.
You didn't put no money in my cup, did you?
- No, I didn't, sir.
Let's get you-
- I'll give you a dollar to loan you, okay?
I'll loan you a dollar.
- I don't want a dollar.
I ain't paying no money back.
Learn how to say "Sweet potato."
Watch the poo, watch the poo, watch the poo!
- Blind?
You know I'm black, right?
You know I'm black.
- Can I make my phone call? Do I have rights?
Can I make my phone call?
- Who are you gonna call?
- Huh?
- Who are you gonna call?
- Your momma. (laughs)
- All right. Get your ass in the car, man.
- Okay, but now, that was funny!
- No, it wasn't.
(police siren wails)
- Basically, I don't need much.
I already, I went down
and I took down, I believe, most of the gay stuff.
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
You're saying that's gay?
- I'm saying it's super gay.
- To the naked eye? Okay.
- Super gay.
Get your boys up here.
Down, down.
- Why?
- What do you think?
- That's not gay.
- What is it?
- There's nothing gay about that.
But I like pirates.
And I like actors.
And I like men who act like pirates.
- We need to-
- And I like smooth little boys.
Yeah, you're probably right.
- This man has a sign that says "I'm super gay."
- "Super gay," I know. That's kind of good though.
That's different. A lot of people might have that.
Well... - No.
- Yeah, probably not.
Kind of gay...
- Can we get rid of the number one boyfriend statuette?
- Yep.
- Topics of conversation. All right?
You only have one thing to say about OJ.
- Yes.
- He didn't do it.
- I have to say that?
- You have-
- No, no, no, no. 'Cause I, yeah, yeah.
- He didn't do it.
- Damn. Brother didn't do it.
So they come in, I'm like
"Pfft, damn, brother didn't do it."
- He didn't do it, good, good.
- He didn't do it.
Despite all of the evidence pointing to-
- Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
- What? An extremely rare Bruno Magli shoe
that was at the thing.
And all the evidence. - No, no, no, no!
- We don't bring up the evidence!
We don't bring up the white people,
we don't bring up the evidence.
- Don't talk about the evidence,
because the evidence...
- No! 'Cause if the glove didn't fit!
- Right. Except it kind of did though.
- No, it-
- Oh, it kind of did.
- Where do you stand on the whole Biggie Tupac beef?
- Oh, good.
This is a good, this is a good drill.
Um...
Damn, them (bleep) got Tupac.
When we gonna get them back?
That was pretty good, right?
No, I'm on the other side of that.