- This is my cousin Tyrell,
and he will be controlling the player character.
- His name is Kanye.
He's a giant, yo.
- Oh. (chuckles)
Dear cousin, traditionally,
a giant is not assumed by a player.
It is a chaotic evil.
- Yeah, but I won't be a giant, yo.
All big.
- Okay, fine.
(mellow hip hop music)
(suspenseful ambient music)
- Vince, I have that quarterly analysis that you asked for.
- [Vince] I had a quarter of these nuts on your chin.
- (clears throat) Right.
It's just that I wanted to review
some of these numbers with you.
It seems like our earnings are low
against our original projections.
- These nuts were low against your chin.
- You know, Vince,
if you ever need to talk to me about something,
I'm more than happy to listen.
- [Vince] These nuts will be more than happy
to rest against your chin.
(employee sighing)
- Hey, look, you've been doing this for about a week now,
and it was kinda funny at first.
- [Vince] These nuts were kind of funny against your chin.
- Vince, worried about you.
- I was worried about these nuts on your chin.
- Vince, seriously.
(Vince sighing)
- These nuts were seriously on your chin.
- Mr. Graham, I just got a call
from St. Mary's Hospital,
and your parents were in a serious car accident.
(solemn ambient music)
I'm so sorry, but your mother is dead,
and your father is on life support.
- These nuts were supporting life on your chin.
- No way!
- Sorry Amber.
Vince, you gotta stop it.
Your mother just passed away.
- These nuts passed away on your chin.
- No, they didn't.
They didn't!
Vince, listen you gotta leave here right now
and go be with your dad.
This could be the last time that you get to see him.
- This could be the last time I get
to see my nuts on your chin.
- *********, Vincent!
Your father might be dying!
- These nuts might be dying on your chin!
(slap smacking)
- *********, Vince, snap the (bleep) out of it!
Your mother is dead!
(Vince panting)
All right.
- You're right.
- You okay?
- I'm okay.
You're back?
- I don't know what came over me.
- It's all right.
- It was so good.
It worked at every situation sometimes.
- I know, I know.
- And it was always, it was just so funny.
- Well, it wasn't that funny.
- It was funny.
- It really wasn't that funny, Vince.
- It was really, really funny.
- I would not go so far as to say
it was really funny, Vince.
- It was funny.
- But it wasn't though.
- It was
- It wasn't.
- Agree to disagree, it was funny.
- Okay. - It was funny.
- One more time, I just gotta go on record
as saying it wasn't really that funny.
(dramatic orchestral music) (hand patting)
- I'm gonna see my dad. - Okay.
- It was funny. (hand patting)
- Wasn't that funny.
(airplane engine roaring)
- Dad.
Stay with me. (pants)
Dad, I love you.
(heart monitor beeping)
- And I love
these nuts on your chin.
(heart monitor droning)
(somber orchestral music)
- [Vince's Dad's Voice] These nuts on your chin.
(Vince sobbing)
(Vince screaming)
(punch thudding) (dramatic electronic music)
- Please!
No!
No! (gun firing)
(bullet shell clanking)
(gang member cackling)
- What?
What's the joke?
- What?
- I don't get it.
- Man, you shot that **** fool! (cackles)
- Oh!
Yeah, no, I still don't get it.
- Hey, man, there ain't nothing to get it.
(bleep) is just funny, man.
Dude can't snitch now. (cackles)
(gangster with gun fake laughing)
Man, don't fake laugh.
- Huh?
- That's not real.
I could tell.
- No, I think it's really funny.
- No, you don't.
Bur look at him sitting there all dead. (laughs)
(gangster with gun fake laughing)
- He was 20 and now he's dead. (laughs)
He ain't never gonna have a wife or kids now.
- Man, what're you doing?
Wife and kids?
That (bleep) ain't funny.
- (fake chuckles) His mom and dad
ain't never gonna see him again.
- No.
No.
You're ruining it for me.
- Okay, well, I guess I just don't get it then.
- It's just that you shot him.
That's all, that's the whole thing!
- Oh, okay, so.
(gun firing) - Oh!
The hell is wrong with you!
You don't shoot a dude that's already dead!
That's not funny!
- Oh.
(gun firing) - Oh!
(body thudding) Ah!
(gangster with gun fake chuckling)
(gangster on ground screaming)
Ow!
- Yeah, I guess I just don't get it.
- Yo, yo, yo, what up, what up, what up?
Welcome to Battle Rap!
You ready, we're gonna battle rap every day
in the month of February, y'all!
Yo, I'm your host, Big Peep-Paroo!
- R-r-r-roo! - That's right, that's right!
To my left, we got the champion.
Yo, introduce, son!
- Yeah, what's happenin'?
This your boy, Rhino D, and I'm about to fronthand
backhand his *** off the mic!
(crowd cheering) - That's right, that's right,
that's right.
And on my right, we got the challenger.
Introduce yourself, playa!
- Yeah, what's up, man, I'm Diller Killer, in the house.
100 USDA pure meat, no filler right here, dawg!
Yeah! - Okay, okay, okay.
Yo, Diller lost the toss, so you go first.
Okay, gentlemen, battle rap!
- All right, yeah, man, here we go.
♪ You're shook, son ♪
♪ I'm gonna eat you for breakfast ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a cook, son ♪ (Levi cackling)
♪ I stole a cop-a-feel from your girl's breasteses ♪
- [Crowd] Oh! (crowd groaning)
(Levi growling)
♪ You don't even know, man ♪
♪ Hey, listen, man, you can't even win this 100-yard dash ♪
♪ But let me ask you a question ♪
♪ What do they call that, a mustache ♪
- [Crowd] Oh! (Levi screaming)
(Levi growling)
- Say, relax, man.
Hey, I need you to relax a little bit though, dawg.
(Levi growling)
I need you to take it down a little bit.
(foot stomping) What the (bleep)
are you doin'?
(Levi growling)
Can you take can you take it down a little bit, man?
(feet stomping)
Come on, what are you, a horse?
(Levi growling)
That's the last one.
♪ Yo, what's up, dawg ♪
♪ You know, my (bleep) is rich ♪
♪ I'm swimmin' in simoleons ♪
♪ I mean, what am I supposed to do ♪
♪ With this miniature black Napoleon ♪
- [Crowd] Oh! (Levi screaming)
(hand smacking) - Hey, man!
Hey, yo, get your!
Hey, hey! (Levi shouting)
I don't want no problems.
I don't want no problems, man.
Hey, hey, get your!
(Levi screaming)
- No, I'm sorry, man.
Hey, look at, look at this, look at this.
Look at it, look at it.
Oh, oh, yeah, there it is.
Go get it now, go get it, that's a boy.
♪ Yeah, man, here we go ♪
♪ Yeah, man, but look at your chain ♪
♪ And these fake-ass Timberlands ♪
(Levi screaming)
(crowd groaning)
I'm sorry.
You okay? - Are you okay?
- [Diller] I'm sorry, dawg, I really apologize.
- [Rhino D] Yo, man, what's wrong with him?
- Hey, hey, no, no, no!
No, no, hey, hey!
(Levi screaming)
Why are you doing me?
No, listen.
(Levi screaming)
No, no, no, no, come on.
Here we go. (shushes)
- All right, you guys gotta go, man!
- No, come on, man.
- No, you're out,
you're all done, man. - ****!
Of course!
- That's right, man.
Yo, we got a champion still.
We got a champion still. (upbeat hip hop music)
(crowd cheering) - Yeah, what's happenin'?
Yeah!
(Levi growling)
- Give me the hat!
Levi!
No, you're hitting people!
Give me the (bleep) hat!
(gentle piano music)
(Levi growling)
Listen.
Hey, yo listen, man.
I want you to look out on the lake, man.
I just want you to look out and imagine a place, man,
where you can do your thing, man.
- Oh!
- Where you and I could go and do our thing,
but never have to forfeit, yeah!
You could scream and shout and shove people back and forth,
but we don't never have to quit.
- Yeah! - Okay, but look out
on the lake, man.
Look out on the lake at warm sunlight.
(Levi growling)
No matter what happens, man, I start rappin'.
(Levi growling)
and my rhymes, they start to flow.
And I'm turnin' the tide. (Levi chuckling)
And no matter what you do,
you can push and shove and scream,
but we'll never get disqualified.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
(trigger clicking) (chuckles) Yeah, yeah!
Oh! (chuckles)
- Man, for good measure, while you're looking at the lake,
just give me one more good. (growls)
(Levi screaming) (gun firing)
(studio audience laughing)
(dramatic percussion music) - Greetings, adventurers.
- [Group] Greetings.
- As you all can see here,
we have a new traveler in our ranks.
This is my cousin Tyrell,
and he will be controlling the player character.
- His name is Kanye.
He's a giant, yo.
- Oh. (chuckles)
Dear cousin, traditionally,
a giant is not assumed by a player.
It is a chaotic evil.
- Yeah, but I want to be a giant, yo.
All big.
- Okay, fine. (chuckles)
Well, travelers, you are joined on your adventure today
by a giant named Kanye. (chuckles)
Now when last we left you,
you were at the Inn of the North Star
in the town of Isledor.
How do you begin your adventure?
- I wanna get some *******.
Where the club at at Isledor, yo?
- Tyrell, this is highly unusual.
I think the guys probably just wanna go on the quest
that we've always. - Stephen?
- Yes?
- I'd like to join Kanye the Giant in this quest.
- Seriously?
All right.
The two of you enter the tavern.
What do you say?
- Kanye the Giant orders Alize.
- "Hmm," says the barkeep.
"I know not of this foreign beverage of which you speak.
"Perhaps you'd enjoy an Elven ale?"
- No, we both want the Alize.
- Alize does not exist in this world.
- Kanye the Giant slaps that *****.
- Oh!
- Kanye the Giant attempts to slap the bartender.
Here.
The bartender is half-Hobbit and very nimble,
so you're going to have to roll an 18 or above to hit.
20.
- Blip.
Slap that Hobbit's (bleep) off, yo.
- Okay, Gollin the Cleric,
would you care to restrain Kanye the Giant
before the town guard is called?
- I grab money out of the register.
- But Gollin the Cleric is lawful good!
This act of thievery would dishonor his gods!
- Hey, man, the only gods is money and *******, dude.
- (chuckles) I accept Kanye the Giant's gods,
and, yeah, I steal some of the money too.
- You too?
Okay, would you now like to continue your quest
for the Lance of Caldahar?
- Fellas we came here for *******.
Where the ******* at?
- All right, you see a bevy of well-endowed wenches.
- Great, I grab them ******* and we all go in my SUV.
- Fine.
Kanye the Giant, Udar the Dwarf, and Gollin the Cleric
climb into his SUV with their *******
and their ill-gotten gains.
- And our Alize.
Plus Kanye the Giant puts his demo CD in the CD player.
- No, he doesn't!
There are no CDs in this world!
You know what?
Do whatever you want!
(footsteps stomping)
(door slamming) - All right,
I guess I'm the Dungeon Master now.
The Eye of Odin opens up.
16 ******* fall out.
- Yeah!
(player chuckling) - Hurrah!
(upbeat funk soul music)
♪ All I want, yeah ♪
♪ But I don't need ♪