-I was at
a Freemasons meeting recently
[ Laughter ] and our --
...and our grand chancellor was giving a sermon
on the secret history of migrating tree frogs and --
[ Sniffing ] Excuse me, I could be sorry.
I could be sorry. I am sorry.
[ Laughter ]
I could be? I am.
[ Laughter ]
I think I smell some smoke
and that can only mean one thing --
it's time for "Ya Burnt"!
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪
Welcome to the burn zone.
We got a lot of topics to sizzle through
and not a lot of time. Over here is the burner.
Let's turn on the gas and load her up.
Whoo! Beverly Hills Chihuahua!
[ Laughter ] First up...
Ah, buffalo wings.
The only thing representing Buffalo
at the Super Bowl since 1994.
[ Laughter and ohhs ]
Hey, buffalo wings, thanks for making my coffee table
look like an elephant graveyard by halftime.
[ Laughter ] The only bigger pile of bones you'll see
during a football game is Jerry Jones.
Side burn -- Jerry Jones.
[ Laughter ] [ Electronic voice ]
Buffalo wings -- I can't think of a better snack
to put out for guests who have been drinking since 8:00 am
than the world's messiest food.
[ Laughter ] I hope you don't have white furniture.
Also, I hope you don't have white furniture, in general.
It's tacky. You're not Scarface!
[ Laughter ]
And, hey, buffalo wings,
appreciate the sight of stringy, tasteless celery,
but I can just drink the ranch dressing straight.
[ Laughter ]
Buffalo wings, you must be the roof of my mouth, 'cause
ya burnt!
The medium talent children of celebrity
who are crossing the border between Beverly Hills
and West Hollywood to steal all our jobs.
[ Laughter ] Sorry to inform you, but getting ahead in America
isn't supposed to be based on who your parents were.
Just ask President John Adams' son
President John Quincy Adams.
[ Laughter ] Also, nepo babies, you're exhausting me.
My entire day is spent tiptoeing around interns
because I just know one of their dads is the MGM lion.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, nepo babies, your parents are hot, but you?
Ya burnt.
[ Laughter ] -Whoo!
Listen, I'm a bit of a risk taker,
[ Laughter ] but some risks just ain't worth it.
[ Laughter ]
No way I'm going into an active crime scene without backup.
[ Laughter ]
Even the plot of "Avatar" isn't this thin.
[ Laughter and oohs ]
And please just say on the package
how many times I need to fold you.
I don't love learning origami mid-dump.
[ Laughter ]
Also, single-ply toilet paper,
why are you exclusively in restaurants
where we need multi-ply toilet paper the most?
[ Laughter ]
If even one item on your menu
has those three little chili pepper icons next to it,
you better have triple-quilted Charmin
in every stall.
[ Laughter ] Single-ply toilet paper,
you're the worst roll [role] since the one I played
in "Journey to the Center of the Earth."
Side burn -- me.
[ Laughter ]
Single-ply toilet paper,
someone must've lit a match in the bathroom 'cause
ya burnt!
Hey, sports drinks, you're not science.
[ Laughter ] No one even heard of electrolytes
until your commercials told us we needed them.
[ Laughter ] Stop pretending
you're what I need after an intense gym sesh.
If your ads were honest, they wouldn't show workout warriors.
They'd chose someone with a debilitating hangover
in a fetal position, holding a bacon, egg, and cheese.
[ Laughter ] And I'm sorry,
what was the problem with water,
when it came to hydration?
I'm sorry it doesn't have a flashy name, like Tidal Blast
or Dickhead Grape.
[ Laughter ]
That said, vitaminwater, you ain't water.
You're just Kool-Aid for grownups.
[ Laughter ] Hey, sports drinks,
looks like you're all good on vitamin D because
ya burnt!
[ Laughter and ohhs ]
I have so many questions.
[ Laughter ] First off, how? How?
Seriously, what the [bleep] was going on
[ Laughter ] over at your campaign, man?
Who was your head of opposition research,
George Santos? [ Laughter ]
Were you even trying to win
or were you tanking for draft picks?
[ Laughter ] Forget George Santos.
You're the one who should be investigated by Congress.
[ Laughter ] What'd you even do
with all the money people donated to you,
make signs that said, "Don't vote for George Santos"
and the "Don't" fell off?
[ Laughter ] Look, on one hand,
it's hard to beat a former volleyball star,
Broadway producer, and Black Jewish American.
[ Laughter ] On the other hand, he wasn't!
[ Laughter ] Guy Who Lost to George Santos,
I'm not even bothering to learn your last name
and I've learned like 12 of George Santos' names.
[ Laughter ] Hey, Guy Who Lost to George Santos,
I'd say ya burnt, but I don't think you can be burnt any worse
than losing to George Santos. Yeesh!
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ] Yeah, that one.
Hey, that one machine at the gym,
you're like DJ Khaled -- you're everywhere
and I have no idea what you do.
[ Laughter ]
Side burn -- DJ Khaled.
[ Laughter ]
You're with all the cardio stuff,
but I also saw someone lift you the other day,
so I'm hella confused.
[ Laughter ] I actually drank a sports drink
while looking at you because I didn't know
what else to [bleep] do.
[ Laughter ]
Also, why does my gym have five of you?
I've never seen more than one at use.
The rest of you are just standing around
with nothing to do like the other guys in Maroon 5.
[ Laughter and ohhs ]
Hey, that one machine at the gym,
[bleep] you, ya burnt!
[ Laughter ] -Whoo!
Looks like Benedict's been quietly transferred
to that big parish in the sky.
[ Laughter ] Wow, another Pope has passed.
How can we stop this epidemic?
I don't know. Maybe this is a crazy idea,
but has anyone tried hiring someone younger
than God Himself?
[ Laughter ]
If you want your popes to stick around a bit longer,
why not hire the 27-year-old nepo baby son of another Pope?
[ Laughter ]
And, by the way, when you hire a new Pope,
just announce it in a tweet,
instead of belching out pollution.
[ Laughter ] Is this the Vatican
or exit 12 of the New Jersey Turnpike?
[ Laughter ]
Hey, Popes, go [bleep] in the woods.
Ya burnt.
[ Laughter ]
The gift that says, "I don't know what you like,
but also, I don't care."
[ Laughter ] There's truly no greater metaphor for romance
than something that starts out beautiful,
then very quickly dies.
And why is it considered romantic
to put rose petals on her bed?
It's like saying, [ Singsong ] "Honey, guess what.
You get to clean up later."
[ Laughter ]
Besides, everyone knows that Valentine's Day is just
a lobbying scheme by Big Rom-com
so that florists can make enough money
to believably live in New York City
and fall in love with the bookshop owner
across the street.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, lis--
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] Hey, listen, I know
I'm just your best friend --
your dorky, hot, best friend --
[ Laughter ] and I'm usually, well,
wrong about everything,
but I have to ask -- do you love him?
[ Laughter ]
Then go to him.
[ Laughter ]
Yes! And hurry.
[ Laughter ]
Take mine!
[ Laughter ]
Now, go, get out of here!
Go get the love of your life!
And, maybe, just maybe, one day,
[ Sighs ] I'll find mine.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
[ Electronic voice ] Vroom! [ Tires screeching ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
Flowers, ya burnt!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Thank you, sweaters, for making the 10 pounds I put on
during the pandemic look like an easy 30.
[ Laughter ] "Congrats. When the baby due?"
Oh, no, baby. It's just a chunky knit.
[ Laughter ] Also, thanks to static electricity,
wearing a sweater comes with the awesome bonus
of turning every doorknob into a stun gun.
[ Laughter ] But hey, at least I can be cozy
for the 10 minutes every day when I'm outdoors
and miserably hot and itchy for the remaining hours.
[ Laughter ] And, cardigans, don't think I don't see you.
"Excuse me. Are you a professor?"
No, just a regular old virgin.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and cheering ] Sounds -- [ Coughs ]
[ Laughter ]
Sounds like somebody made it to the airport on time.
[ Buzzer ] Oh, no!
That buzzer means we're out of time.
This has been "Ya Burnt." We'll be right back.