(gentle music)
(gentle piano music)
(door clicks)
- Hey, boss, it's me, your assistant.
I have a message for you.
- Stop, can't you see I have no time
and that I'm a career-driven woman?
- Hey, it's me, your new employee.
I am here for my first day of ...
(box thumps)
(bell rings)
- Hey, it's me, your boss.
You and I will never find true love.
- Well, I agree with you there, lady.
I like playing darts and drinking light beer
with my buddies on the weekend and I have no such time
for a stuck-up and empowered woman like yourself.
- Glad we are in agreement.
Now, I have to go, I am so busy.
(gentle piano music)
(chain rattles)
(Gus exclaims)
- Boy, boss, it sure stinks
that we have to work late tonight.
- Why am I doing this again?
- [Gus] Eddy got sick, I just need you for the one scene.
- Okay but my hair's already dark, I don't need this.
- Just pick the wig on, for consistency's sake.
Boy, boss, it sure stinks that we have to work late tonight.
- I know this stinks,
corporate's making us do all these taxes.
- Well, I know how we can
make the time go quicker, boss, some suds.
- What are suds?
I've never had beer before,
I don't even know how to have fun.
- Hey listen, lady, I'm not having it either
and I'm still not too fond of you and your bossy ways
but maybe if we're placed together in a situation
where we have to work together
to overcome a common obstacle,
you and me could potentially develop feelings?
- Well, I guess I'm open to it, bring on the suds.
(bottles clink)
- Bottoms up.
(both glug)
(gentle piano music)
(nonchalant music)
- Geez Louise, buddy, you sure are good at darts.
- What can I say, I sure am good at darts.
- You know what I like even more than darts?
- Well, Christ, Jesus, Dave, why don't you tell us?
- Women. - [All] Yeah.
(all exclaim)
- Hey, let's go around the room,
say some of our favorite parts of women.
- Nipples. - Labias.
- Areolas? - I dunno, guys.
- Speaking of women,
how about that career-driven boss lady of yours?
- (laughs) I bet you're developing feelings for her.
- Hush, you guys, I am not developing feelings for her.
- Are you sure about that?
- Oh my goodness, I am developing feelings for her.
- Hey, the woman that you love
is about to leave on an airplane!
- Oh my gosh, I gotta get to the airport right now.
Wait, I am in love, I have to declare my love!
Get outta the way, get out of the way!
Get out of the way (grunts)!
I'm coming for you, I'm coming (grunts)!
I love you, I love you!
(exclaims)
(gentle piano music)
Boss lady, wait, there's a guy sawing tables over there.
- [Cameraman] Wait, wait, no, stop, do it, I wasn't ready.
- I'm getting sweaty.
- [Cameraman] I wasn't ready, (mumbles) do it again.
- [Man] He wasn't ready, just listen to him.
- Okay!
Boss lady, wait, I know I'm just one of the guys
and you're an incredibly career-driven, empowered woman
but I am in love with you and I don't care
if they're making tables over there,
I wanna move in together and plow you.
- Hey, I'm the pilot,
you guys better hurry up, plane's leaving.
(horn beeps)
- Wow.
- [Jamie] I wasn't ready, sorry.
- [Gus] Dude, you are killing me here, dude.
- Jamie, come on, man.
- [Jamie] Well, I'm sorry, I wasn't ready.
- Wow, you have broken through my tough exterior,
I forgot the rest of the line.
You have broken through my tough exterior.
I love you too, you little rascal.
- Well, you'd better make it quick,
I got a plane full of angry folks
and it looks like the weather's about to get bad.
(horn beeps)
- I know we're running out of time with the weather
but I just had to tell you how I felt.
(splutters) Dude, what the hell, dude?
- Sorry, I just ...
- We said we're using the mist attachment, why is it on jet?
- It's stuck on jet so I just thought--
- Yeah, stuck on jet, my ass, use the mister attachment.
- I thought you, okay.
Do you want rain or do you not want rain?
- I want rain, okay.
- [Man] I thought it looked really good.
- Jesus Christ.
- [Man] I thought it looked really good, honestly.
- Just shut up, dude.
(gentle piano music)
Boss lady (splutters), for me, it's been you all along
and there's no one else
who could come close to what you give me.
You're getting up my nose,
you gotta be careful of getting bacteria.
Okay, I know we're stuck on jet
but you can't aim for my face!
You're the one for me and I don't care
what comes between us, I always want you!
You're just moving in accordance
with my mouth at this point, stop it.
Will you marry me?
- [Man] I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready.
- You don't have a drop of water on you, are you not,
you're supposed to be squirting it up in the air.
- It's a real directional rain, I think.
- You're completely dry right now.
- I love you too so I accept what you're saying, I love you.
- Okay, now, let's kiss in the rain to seal the deal.
- What, no, I'm not gonna kiss you, dude.
- You have to kiss, you said we'd kiss.
- I did not say we'd kiss.
- [Gus] We said we'd kiss.
- You never told me anything like that.
- You agreed (splutters) to it.
- No, I didn't.
- You agreed to it back at the house, come on.
- No, I didn't, I never said that.
- Kiss me, just kiss me really quick.
- [Eddy] No, I'm not gonna kiss you.
- Kiss me (splutters).
- [Eddy] I'm not gonna kiss you, dude.
(imitates kissing)
- Yeah!
(gentle piano music)
All right!
Next stop, true love.
(horn beeps)
(imitates engine)
(dramatic music)
- Good evening and welcome back to the apartment.
I'm your host, Gus Johnson.
It was a dairy disaster.
Local news anchor, Gus Johnson, returned home
to his modest Los Angeles apartment early this afternoon
to discover that one of his dumb ass roommates had left
the almond milk cap partially unscrewed,
spilling contents all over the fridge.
For more on this now, we go to our special correspondent
and potentially guilty anchor, Sandra Martinez.
Sandra?
- Thank you, Gus.
Though this story is still developing, sources close to me
are saying that this is in no way a result of my actions.
Signs point to probable involvement
from our very own Brian Fulton.
Brian?
- Thank you, Sandra.
Gus, they're calling it the bullshit of the century.
As many of our viewers know, I don't even drink almond milk
because, as we all know, almond milk is for little bitches.
Plus, I wasn't even home this afternoon,
as I was out whipping donuts with my cousin
in the parking lot of the local food mart.
- Thank you, Brian, fascinating stuff.
Our viewers at home should note
that Brian Fulton is not only
one of the longest-serving anchors here at the apartment
but he is also a fucking liar.
- An excellent point, Gus and, might I add,
I am fairly certain that Brian is not only responsible
for the local almond milk situation
but he may also be the person or persons who has been using
all of the house toilet paper without replacing it.
- (laughs) Really great investigative work, Sandra.
I think I speak for all of us here in the apartment
when I say that you have a truly great talent
when it comes to stretching the truth,
you backwards, baby-back bitch.
- Many thanks, Brian but I've seen the aftermath
of your incessant tequila shits
so I'll hope you'll excuse me when I say
I know a lying sack of shit when I see one.
Gus?
- Right you are, Sandra.
Brian's tequila turmoil is just the latest event
in a long history of alcoholic adversity.
Toilet paper trouble and milk monstrosities aside,
I am also completely convinced
that Brian Fulton has been shaving his ballsack hair
in my bathroom, subsequently clogging up the sink
with his peach fuzz pubes.
(dramatic music)
- We interrupt this broadcast
for what appears to be some breaking bullshit.
Local news anchor, Gus Johnson,
has reportedly been showering me
with a myriad of stupid accusations.
Gus thinks he's so God damn innocent
but I would invite the viewers at home
to take a look at this graphic,
which details Gus' many shitty shortcomings.
(tense music)
It all started in the fifth grade,
when Gus pooped his pants not once, not twice
but three times in gym class.
Sources say that fifth-grade is far too old
to poop one's pants even once and I agree.
Next up, Gus' relationship with his father.
It's a well-known fact around the apartment
that Gus' dad completely despises him.
Many cite the reasons for this as being that
Gus has never held down a steady job, is terrible with women
and is considered by many to be a lifelong disappointment.
And finally, I would be remiss
if I did not mention Gus' overwhelming BO.
A local apartment resident once described Gus' scent
as being "putrid, musty and borderline offensive".
Knowing these things about Gus,
it's no wonder he would resort to throwing his housemates
under the bus as a distraction from his miserable life.
Gus, Gus.
Gus, Gus, can you hear me?
Well, I apologize to our viewers,
we're either experiencing technical difficulties
or Gus is just too much of a little bitch
to stand up for himself.
(Gus yells)
(slow electronic music)
(hands slap)
- (sighs) Oh my God, this is exactly what I needed.
Your hands are like magic.
- Glad I can help. - You definitely help.
- You know, if you want to pay just a little bit extra,
I could offer you a happy ending?
(strings twang)
- A happy ending? - Mm hm.
- Is that what I think it is?
- Oh yeah.
(slow electronic music)
- I mean ...
- Goofer, I knew you'd come home!
Lord, I'm so happy!
(emotional music)
- Okay, yeah, that was a happy ending.
- It really was. - Mm hm.
- So, did you still want the hand job?
- Yeah, I do want the hand job.
(upbeat music)
- Hey, you wanna grab something to eat?
- Yeah, I'm hungry.
Sabrina, you hungry?
- Yeah, I'll grab some food.
- Okay, I should probably invite Chandler.
- No, no, dude.
- I get, hey, listen, I get it, okay?
If we go out without him, he's gonna know.
- Fine.
- Okay, just this one time.
- Fine. - Okay, that's fine.
Hey, Chandler, you hungry?
(audience laughs)
- Hungry?
No, I'm the President of the United States.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, yeah, no, good one, buddy
but do you wanna go grab something to eat?
- Well, if I'm not getting any younger,
I might as well get some food.
(audience laughs)
- What?
That one doesn't even make sense.
- I don't get it.
- I said, if I'm not getting younger--
- Yeah, we heard you. - We got that.
- I got it, it's just that,
are you coming or not, is it a yes?
- Oh gee, I don't know, is this a button-up shirt?
(audience laughs)
- Don't.
- What?
(audience laughs)
Chandler, what are you even saying?
- English, do you speak it?
(audience laughs)
- Was that racist?
- Do you speak it?
(audience laughs)
- I think he's kinda racist a little bit.
- You good, was that racist?
What's going on, man, you okay?
- No, I'm the President of the United States!
- What, you did, it's the same joke as before.
- Oh, looky here, class, we've got a smartypants.
(audience laughs)
(Chandler clicks)
- All right, I'm getting food by myself.
- What's wrong with that guy?
- Dude, Chandler, what the hell's wrong with you, man?
It seems like your entire personality
is just built around being sarcastic and frankly,
you just come across as this super unlikable asshole.
(audience mutters)
- I can tell when I'm not wanted.
(audience exclaims)
(audience claps)
(door clicks)
- Wow, that was way too much.
- That was way too much, what the hell was that?
- Are you still hungry?
- I mean, I could get some food.
- Food?
Joey loves food!
(audience laughs)
- This is worse. - So much worse.
(audience cheers)
(tape rolls)