WELCOME.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FIRST OF ALL,-- MERCI MONSIEUR
AND MADAME.
BIENVENUE AND RATATOUILLE.
I HAVE BROKEN OUT MY FRENCH ACCENT, BECAUSE TONIGHT, DONALD
TRUMP IS HOSTING A MENAGE-A-FRANCE WITH FRENCH
PRESIDENT AND HOMEWRECKING MASSEUR, EMMANUEL MACRON.
IT IS TRUMP'S FIRST STATE DINNER, AND IN A MAJOR DEPARTURE
FROM TRADITION, TRUMP WILL NOT INVITE DEMOCRATS OR THE MEDIA.
YES, YES.
( BOOING ) OF NO, IT'S TRUE.
NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE INVITED.
IF HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, YOU WON'T BE THERE.
BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, VEGETABLES.
LAWR LAWR IT'S TACOS.
THEY'RE SERVING TACOS TONIGHT.
IT'S TACOS, ISN'T IT?
OKAY.
MACRON BROUGHT A GIFT FOR TRUMP, A YOUNG OAK TREE.
AND YESTERDAY, TRUMP AND MACRON PLANTED ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN
TOGETHER.
ALL THAT SHOVELING IS GREAT PRACTICE FOR WHEN TRUMP HAS TO
HIDE MICHAEL COHEN'S BODY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"GET IN THERE, MIKE!
STAY DOWN!
JUST-- I'LL DIG YOU BACK UP.
I'LL DIG YOU BACK UP WHEN THE COAST IS CLEAR."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, TODAY, THEY ADDRESSED THE
CROWD, AND THERE WAS AN AWKWARD MOMENT.
TRUMP GOES IN FOR THE KISS AND-- OHH!
SAVED BY THE HAT!
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS MORE THAN A HAT.
THAT IS A DEFENSIVE PERIMETER.
THEIR DEAL IS EITHER SHE WEARS THE HAT, OR TRUMP HAS TO WEAR
A CONE.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST-- YEAH.
>> Jon: THAT'S A GOOD DEFENSE MECHANISM.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
AND THAT WAS NOT AN ISOLATED AWKWARD INCIDENT BETWEEN THESE
TWO LOVE BIRDS.
THIS IS TRUE.
MOMENTS EARLIER, TRUMP TRIED TO HOLD MELANIA'S HAND.
AND-- NOPE.
NOPE.
HER HAND-- SHE IS NOT HAVING IT, MAN!
HE'S LIKE-- HE'S LIKE TRYING TO AROUSE A DEAD TROUT.
IT'S JUST-- IT'S NOT.
YOU CAN'T BLAME HER, THOUGH.
SHE WATCHES "60 MINUTES."
SHE KNOWS WHERE THAT HAND HAS BEEN.
ALLEGEDLY, ALLEGEDLY, ALLEGEDLY.
TRUMP IS LIKE, "COME ON, MELANIA.
I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND!" IT REMINDS ME OF THAT
BEATLES SONG, "GET BACK."
( LAUGHTER ) AT LEAST-- AT LEAST-- AT LEAST--
OR SHEERS LEAVING HOME.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: AT LEAST, THERE IS ONE RELATIONSHIP THAT TRUMP
THINKS IS REALLY STRONG.
>> WE DO HAVE A VERY SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP.
IN FACT, I'LL GET THAT LITTLE PIECE OF DANDRUFF OFF--
LITTLE PIECE!
WE HAVE TO MAKE HIM PERFECT.
HE IS PERFECT.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, MACRON IS STILL STANDING NEXT TO
YOU SMILING AFTER HANGING OUT WITH YOU FOR TWO DAYS.
THAT'S NOT DANDRUFF.
THAT'S COCAINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH, LORDY.
TO PROVE JUST HOW CLOSE THEY ARE, TRUMP GAVE MACRON A HEARTY
HANDSHAKE.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> I LIKE HIM A LOT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, HE LIKES--
WHENEVER YOU LIKE SOMEONE, YOU GIVE THEM AN ELABORATE
HANDSHAKE, RIGHT, JON?
YOU AND, COME ON-- YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LIKE THAT GUY.
I LIKE THAT GUY.
>> Jon: GOOD GUY.
MY MAN.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT GUY!
WOW!
I MEAN THE WAY HE SHOOK-- COMPARE TO HOLDING HANDS WITH
MELANIA, HE AND MACRON JUST PERFORMED THE KAMA SUTRA.
WHICH ONE IS HE MARRIED TO AGAIN?