WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT. FOLKS --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEAUTIFUL SOUND.
WE CONTINUE TO LEARN MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE F.B.I.'S
SEARCH OF MAR-A-LAGO THIS WEEK. AND IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD FOR
FORMER PRESIDENT VELVEETA VOLDEMORT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND
HIS MINIONS HAVE TRIED TO PLAY THE VICTIM CARD, SAYING,
WHY, HE'S JUST A SIMPLE COUNTRY CLUB OWNER, AND THAT THIS
WHOLE INVESTIGATION IS A NOTHING-BURGER.
BUT IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE THE INVESTIGATION IS A
SOMETHING-ROYALE WITH CHEESE. NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO GET MY
HOPES UP. I'VE BEEN HURT TOO MANY TIMES.
I STILL HAVE TO GET A DERMATOLOGIST TO REMOVE MY
ROBERT MUELLER TRAMP STAMP. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S GOING TO STING! IT'S GOING TO STING!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STILL, THERE'S SOME JUICY
TIDBITS. THE LATEST?
WE NOW KNOW THAT AN INSIDE INFORMER TOLD THE F.B.I. WHAT
DOCUMENTS THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS HIDING, AND WHERE.
SO, THERE WAS A MOLE? WHO COULD IT BE...
OH. MY.
GOD! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) OH, MY!
OH, MY LORD! ( LAUGHTER )
WE ALSO HAVE LEARNED THAT THE RAID WAS DELIBERATELY TIMED TO
OCCUR WHEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS AWAY.
SO, THEY HAD TO EITHER WAIT TILL HE WAS OUT OF TOWN, OR FOR THE
RETURN OF THE MCRIB. "BIG MANGO IS HEADED FOR LUNCH.
WE GOT TEN HOURS. GO, GO, GO!"
NOW THAT WE KNOW SOMEONE IN THE INNER CIRCLE HAS FLIPPED, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT IS REPORTEDLY FREAKING OUT AND ASKING HIS
ALLIES, "WHO'S WEARING A WIRE?" TO WHICH DON JR. SAID, "WIRED?
I'M NOT WIRED! YOU'RE WIRED!
WHO WANTS TO START A BAND? NO, A NEW APP!"
AN APP ABOUT A BAND! ( LAUGHTER )
SOURCES SAY THE EX-PRESIDENT IS WORRIED HE MAY HAVE A RAT, OR
MULTIPLE RATS, IN HIS MIDST. AND THAT'S JUST AT THE
MAR-A-LAGO WAFFLE BAR. I THINK IT'S WORTH POINTING OUT:
GOOD PEOPLE DON'T WORRY THAT THEIR FRIENDS ARE RATTING THEM
OUT OVER ALL THE GOOD STUFF THEY'RE DOING.
"MYEAH, I DON'T WANT NONE OF YOUSE MUGS SQUEALING THAT I
VOLUNTEER AT THE SOUP KITCHEN, SEE?
ANYONE RATS ME OUT, YOU'LL BE SLEEPIN'...
HERE AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER. ENJOY THE WARM BED.
MYEAH." ( LAUGHTER )
SINCE THE F.B.I. SEARCH ON MONDAY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
RESPONSE HAS CHANGED A LITTLE BIT-- IT STARTED AS "NOTHING TO
SEE HERE," AND QUICKLY BECAME, "ANYTHING YOU SEE WAS PUT HERE
BY THE F.B.I.!" AND ALL THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
HENCH-FOLK HAVE GOBBLED UP THE BAIT.
>> QUITE HONESTLY, I'M CONCERNED THAT THEY MAY HAVE
PLANTED SOMETHING. >> DO I KNOW THAT THE BOXES
OF MATERIAL THEY TOOK FROM MAR-A-LAGO, THAT THEY WILL NOT
PUT THINGS IN THOSE BOXES, TO ENTRAP THEM?
>> HOW DO YOU KNOW THERE WEREN'T LISTENING DEVICES OR EVIDENCE
PLANTED THERE? >> STEPHEN: YOU KNOW WHEN YOU
ACCUSE SOMEONE OF PLANTING EVIDENCE BEFORE THEY SAY THEY
FOUND ANYTHING? IT'S WHEN YOU KNOW THEY'RE GOING
TO FIND SOMETHING. ( LAUGHTER )
"OFFICER, BEFORE YOU BREATHALYZE ME, I MUST INFORM YOU, I SUSPECT
THAT YOU HAVE PLANTED A FIFTH OF TEQUILA IN MY STOMACH.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE IN BIG
TROUBLE." SO HOW DID THE F.B.I. AGENTS
SUPPOSEDLY BRING IN 12 BOXES OF EVIDENCE THAT THEY TOOK OUT?
AINSLEY EARHARDT HAS A VERY... STUPID THEORY:
>> AND HIS LAWYERS SAID THEY BROUGHT IN BACKPACKS.
WHAT WAS IN THOSE BACKPACKS? >> STEPHEN: GOOD POINT, AINSLEY!
EVERYONE KNOWS, YOU GET TO SEARCH THE COPS BEFORE THEY
SEARCH YOU. THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS TELL T.S.A.,
"HOLD ON, FIRST, I'M GOING TO KNUCKLE-BUMP YOUR JUNK!"
COME HERE! ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S CALLED THE SWEET SCIENCE. THE EX-PRESIDENT'S GOONS WOULD
HAVE YOU BELIEVE THAT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT GAVE NO
WARNING BEFORE THEY RAPPELLED INTO THE POOLSIDE CABANAS.
AU CONTRAIRE. WE JUST LEARNED THAT THE
EX-PRESIDENT RECEIVED A SUBPOENA THIS SPRING FOR THE DOCUMENTS,
BUT HE DIDN'T HAND THEM ALL OVER, SO MONTHS LATER, THE
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAD TO ACT, BECAUSE THE DOCUMENTS WERE SO
SENSITIVE IN NATURE, AND RELATED TO NATIONAL SECURITY.
SOUNDS LIKE HE HAD SOME HIGH-LEVEL STUFF IN HIS
BASEMENT. COULD BE ANYTHING!
MISSILE LOCATIONS. LISTS OF C.I.A. SOURCES.
THE ALIEN TECHNOLOGY THAT KEEPS PAUL RUDD FROM AGING!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IN ORDER TO CONDUCT THE
SEARCH, THE F.B.I. HAD TO PRESENT A SEARCH WARRANT AND
IN ORDER TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY, THEY HAD TO GIVE MAR-A-LAGO AN
ITEMIZED RECEIPT OF EVERYTHING THEY TOOK.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT COULD RELEASE BOTH OF THOSE DOCUMENTS,
AND THE MYSTERY AND INTRIGUE MIGHT BE CLEARED UP.
BUT, EVIDENTLY, HE DOESN'T WANT THAT, BECAUSE AS LONG AS WE
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, HE'S FREE TO SAY ANYTHING.
SO THIS AFTERNOON, ATTORNEY GENERAL AND ELF ON THE SHELF WHO
HAS SEEN TOO MUCH... MERRICK GARLAND, ANNOUNCED THAT
HE HAS ASKED THE COURT TO RELEASE THE EX-PRESIDENT'S
SEARCH WARRANT AND THE RECEIPT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH, RELEASE IT! HE WANTS TO RELEASE IT ALL.
THE EX-PRESIDENT HAS TILL TOMORROW TO FILE IN COURT TO
STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING WHICH WOULD MARK THE FIRST TIME
HE'S EVER DECLINED THE OFFER OF A FULL RELEASE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) REALLY...
REALLY... WE FOUND THE LINE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A BIT OF GOOD NEWS.
AFTER REPUBLICANS LIKE TED CRUZ HAD TRIED TO BLOCK IT, THIS
WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED THE PACT ACT, WHICH GIVES
LIFE-SAVING CARE TO VETERANS WHO SUFFERED CHEMICAL EXPOSURE
LIKE TOXIC BURN PITS. AFTER THE SIGNING, THE PRESIDENT
SINGLED OUT A FAMILIAR NAME: >> SO MANY PEOPLE TODAY REMIND
US, WE HAVE FOUGHT FOR THIS FOR SO MANY YEARS.
VETERANS, SURVIVING FAMILIES, SURVIVING FAMILY MEMBERS,
ADVOCATES LIKE ROSIE TORRES AND JON STEWART.
WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, JON, MATTERS, AND YOU KNOW IT DOES--
YOU SHOULD KNOW. IT REALLY, REALLY MATTERS.
YOU REFUSE TO LET ANYBODY FORGET, REFUSE TO LET THEM
FORGET, AND WE OWE YOU BIG, MAN. WE OWE YOU BIG.
(STANDING OVATION) >> STEPHEN: I KNOW THAT DUDE!
HE'S IN THE CREDITS OF THIS SHOW!
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER JON STEWART! THAT IS A WELL-DESERVED STANDING
OVATION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AS JON'S FRIEND, I KNOW HOW UNCOMFORTABLE HE IS GETTING
PRAISED, BUT, ALSO AS JON'S FRIEND, I TRULY ENJOY HOW
UNCOMFORTABLE HE IS GETTING PRAISED.
TOO BAD, BUDDY. IF JON WERE HERE, HE'D SAY THAT
THIS ISN'T ABOUT HIM, THAT THE REAL HEROES ARE THE MEN AND
WOMEN WHO SERVED THEIR COUNTRY. AND HE'S RIGHT.
BUT ALSO, HE'S NOT HERE, SO... CONGRATULATIONS, JON!
YOU DID IT. I WANT YOU --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S GOING TO HATE THIS.
HE'S GOING TO HATE THIS. I WANT YOU TO
GO OUT TONIGHT AND TREAT YOURSELF TO SOMETHING NICE.
MIGHT I SUGGEST A SLIGHTLY CLEANER GRAY T-SHIRT.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS ARE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY KARINE
JEAN-PIERRE, AND "SHE-HULK'S" TATIANA MASLANY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I JOIN THE CAST OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE
TELEVISION SHOWS. "SEVERANCE"!