I recently listened to Crucial Conversations on audio and honestly I
did not expect that much out of it I thought it would be this short behavior
based communication skill book and instead I found it full of depth on how
to improve difficult conversations. In this summary I'm going to share the
essence of how Crucial Conversations teaches you to have good dialogue by
making it safe to talk about anything, and I'm gonna share the five most
important things I learned from Crucial Conversations.
Now like I said I didn't expect much out of this book I
thought it would be another skills based
approach that teaches the right words to say to basically manipulate others into
doing what you want. But in the long run that approach I don't believe is very
effective. So I went into this book not really expecting much of it and instead
I found a depth of theory that from my therapy perspective was half way
between Sue Johnson's emotion focused therapy and John Gottman's approach
which include things like seven principles for making marriage work and
the four horsemen and etc. So from my totally therapy centered approach I saw
this book is all about creating safety so that problems could be solved. Because
this book goes deeper than behavior I think it offers real solutions to
improving relationships and managing intensely emotional conversations. So
let's jump in to some of the essential skills. So the first one is remember your
goal. So this first skill is to continually
remind yourself of your goal which is to share a conversation and to solve a
problem and not allow yourself to get sidetracked by switching goals. So a lot
of times we get caught up in contention like needing to be right needing to win
needing to punish others needing to be justified. So instead this book
encourages you to keep in mind the question what do I want for myself and
for others and for the relationship. So for example when having a discussion
with a teenager about curfew instead of getting
locked up in what time they have to be home continually remind yourself and them
that what you really want is for them to be safe and for you to be able to trust
them to be responsible. They also want to be trusted and seen as responsible
because that comes with freedoms. So that shared goal of mutual trust can get you
on the same team as you work to figure out what time they should be home. Number
two, watch for signs of stress. So learn to look for signs of crucial
conversations and signs of stress within yourself. When you notice yourself
getting heated take a deep breath actively calm yourself and remind
yourself to stick to the goal which is shared dialogue and shared meaning. This
step is basically learning to be responsive instead of reactive to the
situation. Number three, give yourself more options. So let go of false
dichotomies. In therapy we call this black-and-white thinking. So for example
I either had to let the boss walk all over me or I had to rudely embarrass him.
I had to say nothing or I would lose my job. So instead of these dichotomies
instead of you know this black-and-white thinking, you ask yourself to step back
and really consider, are there truly no other options is there anyone in the
company who uses a different strategy or approach for dealing with that situation?
And your goal is to relax a little bit and invite creativity and flexibility. My
dad once told me the story of a college president who during the Vietnam War he
was struggling to know how to deal with the protesters on his campus. He had one
group who wanted to burn the American flag to show their anger about the draft
and the war and he had the football team who was surrounding the flag to protect
it. As tensions were rising violence seemed imminent and in similar
situations other universities sent in riot police or the National Guard and
this led to escalating tension and injuries and deaths. But this university
president stepped back took a look at the situation and made an offer. What if
we wash the flag. A symbolic move that both shows respect
and the need for improvement and because of his willingness to look for that
third option the situation was resolved peacefully. Number four, check how you see
others. This was my number one take away. Whenever someone reverts to silence like
shutting down withdrawing going quiet or violence like aggression raising their
voice or arguing. Our natural reaction is to respond more forcefully arguing
our point or getting frustrated that they won't participate and instead this
book challenges us to see silence or violence as a sign that the other person
isn't feeling safe to talk. They feel like their point isn't being considered
and they get into a fight or flight mode. When we see this we have to stop
ourselves and ask what can I do to restore safety? Crucial Conversations
suggest some practical steps to restoring safety. So they need to know
that you care about them and their interests so show them respect check
yourself am I listening am I validating am I acting defensive or being
condescending or sarcastic? Am I showing them that I value hearing what they are
saying even if I don't agree? Now I think this step is really powerful because we
can actively create a safe environment by how we treat the other person. When
people feel that you care about them and value them it invites them to relax and
be able to absorb what you're saying and share what they need to. So it makes it
more likely that you'll have a successful conversation that actually
solves problems. Number five, creating safety a big part to restoring
safety is working on yourself. But there are some other skills that are pretty
straightforward to help others feel safe understood and valued. So one of these is
front-loading. This is starting off conversations
gently when a topic is crucial we tend to get nervous and go into it like
tightly after avoiding it for a while so instead lead in gently.
For example, there's something I'd like to get your opinion on but I'm worried
that you'll be upset if I bring it up. Front loading can help a conversation go
better right from the start. Here's another one, point out
you agree on highlight the areas you share instead of only focusing on the
parts you disagree with. Keep pointing out your common goal for example, I
really want to be able to work well with you this relationship is more important
or let's see how we can solve this in a way that everyone can accept. If you need
to make a tentative guess about what they're feeling upset about but not in a
judgmental way. So for example you could say, it sounds like you're feeling like
your opinion isn't being heard. Number six, master your stories. So this
sixth chapter on mastering your stories it's like this combination of the book
leadership and self-deception and narrative therapy and a little bit of
CBT thrown in for good measure. But basically it tries to help you see when
you're interpreting situations in a way that harms the process. Stories are our
assumptions of why people are doing what they're doing.
For example, seeing yourself as the victim or blaming others as being lazy
or selfish are types of stories that we tell ourselves. Distorting the facts by
exaggerating their wrongs or highlighting their strengths is why
these stories become problematic. Now I thought this chapter was on point but to
me it feels like a couple of books worth of information in one short chapter. So I
wonder if people are actually able to absorb it in small doses or if it is
better addressed in more depth. Regardless you should check yourself for
signs of this. Do you have repeating patterns at work like why is everyone
out to get me or all bosses are authoritarian a-holes or I'm the only
hard worker around here. When you see your underlying stories for what they
are, stories, then you can see past them and solve real problems. Try to replace
defensiveness with curiosity. This is something that I struggle with
and this book frames this in an interesting way, when faced with someone
who seems to be getting angry shutting down or being irrational rather than
ask what's the worst most personal way I can take this which leads to defensiveness
we should ask why would a reasonable rational and decent person
think or feel this way? Leading to curiosity it's hard to feel defensive
and curious at the same time. Assuming that they're doing the best they can can
help us understand their obstacles to having a dialogue around crucial issues.
When it comes down to it what I appreciated most about this book was its
emphasis on creating real safety by giving me the responsibility to create
that safe environment and it teaches the tools to make that happen. Thanks for
watching and if you found this content helpful please consider sharing it with
someone who also might find it helpful. Take care.