Don�t get me wrong, I love Final Fantasy.
I might be a bit of an apologist at times, and I admit that.
But there are some games bearing that alliterative name that even I can�t defend.
Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates is one such game.
Sure, it purports to have some connection to Final Fantasy.
There are, in fact, moogles.
Stiltzkin makes an appearance.
There are spells to cast in Fire, Blizzard, and Thunder flavors.
This... um, thing...
looks for all the world like a Behemoth.
It�s sure trying to be Final Fantasy, isn�t it?
But there are no morally ambiguous young men here.
You�re not dealing with a sea of angst, cloaked in darkness and spouting ellipses
everywhere.
No, you�re dealing with... eight-year-old twins getting into the kinds of fights eight-year-olds
get into.
AND THEN HE�S SWINGING THE HATCHET AROUND LIKE A MANIAC.
Honestly, this could be called �Final Fantasy Child Endangerment: Ring of Cautionary Tales.�
As would be cynically expected from such a game, most of the action fixes on Yuri, this
juggalo wannabe with the bladed object, and Chelnika, his eternally wet blanket of a twin
sister.
They get into your standard well-meaning misadventures involving shadowy forces attempting to dominate
the world, with the one relishing every opportunity to do something stupid and reckless, and the
other refusing to shut up about how stupid and reckless said action is.
So just block out their antics and pay attention to the gameplay, which...
well, take the better parts of the original Crystal Chronicles and get rid of the bedamned
bucket.
This is basically what you�re left with: dungeon-crawling action-RPGing with materials
to gather, enemies to hack apart, and various foodstuffs to chomp down for HP.
This is Crystal Chronicles, the Final Fantasy designed for Multiplayer (not counting the
weirdness that was Final Fantasy VI).
As such, you can team up with your friends for exploratory purposes via local wi-fi,
doing all that fun stuff like coordinating combined magical attacks and ganging up on
huge bosses.
Or so I�d say, if there were anyone else in this zipcode with a copy of this game.
So, in an improvement over the GameCube version, you actually get to control multiple units
in the single-player campaign!
Though �control� is a strong word in this case.
Really, they�re just going to stand around when they could be hitting something or someone,
occasionally getting lost and being beckoned back with the L button.
By tapping the icons on the touchscreen, you can switch between characters, as well as
coordinate magical combos yourself by beginning a cast (using the same kind of targeting-ring
system familiar to players of the original), then poking the icon of an ally currently
equipped with a compatible esper, I mean eidolon, I mean materia, I mean magicite.
The effects will stack, and there will be a pronounced explosion, all the better to
bring down this clapperclaw right here.
But while Ring of Fates tries desperately to emulate its big brother, going so far as
to bring back the weapon-synthesis system and everything, ultimately it�s the drastic
shift in tone from elegant fairytale to ham-fisted Berenstain Bears morality play that dooms
this one from the jump.
Play it for the mechanics if you must, just please don�t expect that Final Fantasy is
anything like... wait.
That kid�s got ONE AND A HALF PANT LEGS.
I guess this is Final Fantasy, then.
My argument is invalid.
Judge all you want.