Sterling Archer, the world's most dangerous spy,
we have ways of making you talk.
What, your little go kart battery?
- Golf cart. - Whatever!
You little--
MALLORY STERLING: Son of a bitch!
Now you did it.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Stop!
Oh!
[THUD]
Mother!
Did you see that?
Mother!
Hey, what does this smell like?
Like the dysfunctional asshole I broke up with six months ago.
Cyril Figgis, comptroller.
Huh.
- And also my-- - Boyfriend
--person I'm dating.
Locate a stolen shipment of Redeye missiles
and kill the arms dealer trying to sell them.
Commence operation--
I swear to god I had something for this.
Archer?
Hello?
I can't frickin' talk right now!
Kill them!
Lana, do you trust me?
Wha-- no!
That's too bad.
[GUNFIRE]
I am awesome!
Aw.
And it just keeps on getting better.
Hello, Archer.
Why are you here?
You don't call me for a year.
And that's how you talk to me?
Why is this a subpoena?
It's for the paternity test, you colossal [BLEEP] idiot.
Since Lana broke up with me, I've
been finding solace in food.
Well, keep your chins up, Cyril.
I'm selling.
You what?
Here.
God.
You like that?
It's a bloody Mary.
Hello, Mrs.--
Miss.
Excellent.
Kasanova, Katya Kasanova.
Worst case scenario with that woman is a KGB double agent.
Mother, she saved my life!
- How can I prove to you? - Hey.
You don't have to.
I will save you, darling!
No, no, no, don't, Katya!
MAN: Archer!
KATYA KASANOVA: I love you!
[THUD]
No!
[CAR ALARM SOUNDING]
Yeah!
I can't believe I just did that.
I'm on my honeymoon!
Well, at least you got a honeymoon.
My fiance was murdered.
Well, can I help you?
Name's Rip Riley.
Your mother hired me to bring you back, Sterling.
She what?
You will never make it to the helicopter.
My men will cut you down like dogs.
Thanks, human shield.
Lana!
Archer!
Hey!
Here's the thing.
Your mother doesn't know you ran away to be a pirate.
So now for the rest of your idiot life,
I've got that on you.
Wow.
Right?
The Shuttle Intrepid is launching in three days.
And I won't lie to you.
This mission will be dangerous.
[SCREAMING]
Just relax and rely on your training.
Which we didn't have!
You hired us just so Lana could pump
out a bunch of martian babies?
Only if by martian you mean born on Mars,
not actual alien life forms.
Oh, whatever.
We gotta move. Come on!
[SOUND OF PUNCH LANDING ON SKIN] ARCHER: Dah!
Lana, let's go!
Wait, let me just get-- damn it!
Where are the other--
[CHOKING]
Right here, space nuts.
Almost there.
Yeah.
So let me take this baby on in.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, actually, Cyril, it's all you, buddy.
You got it.
Yeah.
Cyril crashed the damn thing.
[CHUCKLING]
Sterling has been missing for two months.
And this whole time he's just been down at the shore
flipping hamburgers?
OK, kids who wants Manning coleslaw
and/or an explanation of why that's funny?
I honestly think Archer doesn't know he's Archer.
Ow.
[MUMBLING]
[THUD]
Archer?
Wait, are you you?
Yes, I'm me, you dumb idiot!
MALLORY STERLING: A mach-28 hydrogen bomb.
CROWD: Oh.
So we are going to recover.
No! No!
No!
[GUNSHOTS]
Dah!
Now who's the idiot?
You!
All of you, there is no bomb!
What?
I will launch our missiles on Washington,
Miami, and New York.
Hope everybody has a gas mask.
I'm calling bullshit.
I want to see the missiles now!
What?
No, you can't.
You don't have any missiles.
You should come with us and--
I'm not going anywhere!
Neither are you.
[GASPING]
Are you insane?
Don't you know how much pressure we're under?
It never really gets to me.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
I think he means water pressure!
[GUNSHOT]
Ah.
Uh, one of two things is going to happen now.
[SCREAMING]
[COUGHING UP WATER]
- Archer? - Great.
Is he-- are you--
The man who cheated death?
Oh!
Thank god!
Great.
[EXPLOSION]
You are extremely under arrest.
[LAUGHING] For what?
- Mostly treason. - Treason?
What?
ARCHER: I can't believe they're taking our building.
Screw the building.
What about our jobs?
I guess we should talk about the elephant in the room.
What are we going to do with literally a ton of cocaine?
LANA: So what, we form a cartel?
Well, how hard could it be? I mean--
Don't.
--if Mexicans can do it.
What do you mean your water broke?
What do mean what do I mean?
What the hell are you people doing in San
Marcos in the first place?
[PLANE BUZZING OVER]
[GUNFIRE]
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
[GLASS CRASHING]
Your regime is officially over.
And I've seen coups from Angola to Zanzibar and--
[LAUGHING]
You said you've seen cooze!
Now push!
Ah! Sterling Archer--
(IN A HIGH VOICE) Me.
Me.
I'd like you to meet your daughter.
(MUFFLED IN HIS HEAD) Archer.
What's that?
Wait, wait, wha?
Huh?
We, you and I, are going to have
to establish some ground rules.
Lana, they're just going to get broken.
In less than 14 hours, you're all
going to be miniaturized down to the size of bacteria
and injected into Dr. Kovacs.
LANA: You're a father now.
With a laser backpack.
Shut up.
And please, be careful.
No to both.
Woo-hoo!
Eat that, you stupid macrophage.
[EXPLOSION]
[SCREAMING]
You can't blacklist us.
This is all I've ever known. - Sh.
Sh-zz.
What are we going to do for money?
I actually have some thoughts on that.
MALLORY STERLING: Three months, and not a single client.
Mother, when the word gets out that Sterling Archer has his
own frickin' detective agency--
Which technically, you do not.
You and I are on a break!
Yeah.
How are you holding up?
Pff.
I'll take that as a barely.
LANA: If someone is trying to sabotage the movie,
our job is to catch them.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, yeah, that is pretty upsetting.
I know you murdered Ellis Crane, and you're going down for it!
[GUNFIRE]
[CRYING]
Woo!
There's no telling what he knows
or what he's thinking about--
well, dreaming about, I suppose.
No. No.
No.
Woodhouse.
WOMAN: What's the big idea?
The big idea is we're going to Dreamland.
And you're all going to stay tied
up until I find out the truth.
[CHUCKLING] Look at you, whining like your little buddy.
My what?
Yeah, the little limey dope fiend when I gut
shot him and left him for dead.
- Watch? - Ooh!
Wait, what?
[SNARLING AND BARKING]
Wait, what is this?
[MAN SCREAMING]
Oh, Jesus.
See you.
LANA: [SIGHING] He looks so peaceful, doesn't he?
Sometimes I wonder if he's dreaming.
But then I remember I don't give a shit.
[WHISTLE TWEETING]
Ah!
[LAUGHTER]
[BIRD SQUAWKING]
[GUNFIRE]
Wait, were are you in the Army?
Army Air Corps.
Hmm, well, that doesn't do us much good.
Hey!
Neither does your missing arm!
Hey.
Pretty sure we can expect several waves of attacks.
[EXPLOSIONS]
[SCREAMING]
Nazi sons of bitches!
Until we face a final climactic attack
by a sort of uber attacker--
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
CROWD: Oh!
--a boss, if you will.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
Ah! [GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
Listen, if we ever meet again--
Sterling, no!
Please!
--just remember this, we were this close to banging.
No, we weren't.
Yes, we-- whoa!
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Aw.
Aw Aw.
MALLORY STERLING: Oh, quit your bitching.
Good morning, Mother.
Shut up!
Why'd you wake me up way the hell out here?
We picked up a distress beacon.
Let's go check it out.
Whoa, wait, Mother, hang on.
[PASSES GAS] [LAUGHING]
COMPUTER VOICE: Proximity alert.
Now, somebody explain to me why you're docking
the ship without permission?
We thought, you know, that we'd--
--leave us all in status while you sneak
in there to loot whatever the pirates might
have left behind in there?
Well, you've clearly already made up your mind, so.
- [SIGHING] - What?
No?
[CHUCKLING] - What the?
Barry-6?
CROWD: Good god!
Yeah.
It's good old Barry-6.
Let's go! Let's go!
Come on!
God damn it, I'm the group leader!
Archer!
How did this happen?
I hate you.
Yeah, and I don't usually have a thing
for older divorced ladies.
Hey!
I'm kidding.
I totally have a thing for older divorced ladies.
Huh!
OK.
We've got moderate hull damage to starboard and mid-ship.
A [INAUDIBLE] attack barge!
Which means boarding party.
And there ain't no party like a boarding party,
'cause a boarding party don't stop.
[CHUCKLING]
Suppressing fire!
ARCHER: You shot all my guys.
[WHIMPERING]
Oh, for-- way to go, Cyril.
What?
I'm supposed to be the hero.
CROWD: Seriously, Archer.
SHIP'S COMPUTER: Danger, the self-destruct system
is now activated.
[SOUNDS OF PANIC] - Let's split!
Let's go!
All except you, Archer.
They go.
You stay.
What?
Mother, it's OK.
You go.
Come on.
You're the big man, huh?
SHIP'S COMPUTER: 5--
Yes, Barry, I am. SHIP'S COMPUTER: --4--
I'm huge.
SHIP'S COMPUTER: --3--
Not what Framboise said.
SHIP'S COMPUTER: --2--
Oh, really?
Because--
SHIP'S COMPUTER: --1.
Shit, I had something for--
SHIP'S COMPUTER: Ignition.
[EXPLOSION]
Oh!
God damn Barry.
[GLASS BREAKING] Wah!
Mother?
[GASPING] Sterling?
How long have I been here?
Three years.
What!
The important thing is that you're back,
and we're together.
Um.
Uh.
OK.
After all, the real story's always been about you and me.
What are you--
Which, when you think about it, it's really a love story.
Eww.