Top story, Senator most
likely to sponsor legislation entitled “The Totally Random Sauce Act.”
Kyrsten Sinema has sent shockwaves through the political world
after announcing that she is
leaving the Democratic Party and becoming an independent.
Here's her official announcement. And please leave the room
if you're sensitive to the world's most unnerving affect,
I promised that I would always do what is right
for the people of Arizona. Registering as an independent and showing up to work
with the title of Independent is a reflection of who I've always been.
Yes, Senator
Sinema is so independent she doesn't even listen to the large
majority of independent voters who want a federal minimum wage increase.
Voting it down with the solemn quirkiness,
the debate demanded. That vote and all her votes makes sense
when you consider from 2017 to 2022, she received 1.8 million
from Democratic and liberal groups, but 9.8 million from corporate interests.
In her defense, that 9.8 million could each be independent
dollar bills just following their own maverick streak.
Wow, no helmet.
Joining me now to see the truth across the bar set in a class of facts
in the Rock Center over to ask if it breaks news here often,
then have an unforgettable night of sweet analysis is Democratic strategist
who is the one who recently advised Kamala to be goofier, Lydia Parker.
Good evening.
Chief Washington Bureau Chief voted
not cool by a nationwide referendum in a country he's never even been to,
Jonathan Keene.
Hello.
Chief Field Correspondent whose YouTube algorithm
still feeds some Baby Einstein videos,
James Smartwood Jr.
Hey dad.
And CBS News Chief Washington correspondent
and Tooning Out the News contributor who I simply cannot picture wearing shorts,
Major Garrett.
Hello James.
Major, let's start with you.
What is motivating Senator Sinema's move besides her feeling a selfless duty to do
what's right for Arizonians by cynically preserving her damaged political career?
She's probably trying to avoid a Democratic primary, which is
seems inevitable.
It seemed inevitable before she became an independent.
Now there'll be an open field on the Democratic side.
It's an open question whether Kirsten Sinema as an independent or a Democrat,
could be the party's nominee, Democrat or independent, in 2024.
So this is a gambit to try to preserve her
political stature in the Senate, if only for a short period of time.
Everyone in Congress should be an independent
with their own agendas, walking around, wearing their own little capitals,
clawing each other's eyes out to appear with Chuck Todd every Sunday.
Absolutely.
This great country was built on individuals acting 100% independently.
We all remember in 1944 when a bunch of 18
year olds all independently decided to storm the beaches of Normandy.
Or 1969 when Buzz
Aldrin and Neil Armstrong coincidentally went to the moon at the same time.
And in that independent spirit, I'd like to announce that I am now
a completely independent newsman. Owee.
This is a rootin' tootin' studio you got here.
Keene, shut the f*ck up.
Independent newsman, what does that mean?
Well, partner, it means no one tells me what to report.
I just report what's in my heart.
Isn't that right, Rusty?
Keene, no one is independent.
Everyone gets money from someone, even you.
And don't you live with your mother?
Well, every cowboy needs a place to rest his head.
And it's my grand mother.
I'm also on a horse. Really?
A little Shetland pony is under here.
Hey, little guy.
So, Lydia, you're also independent?
No, I just couldn't find a chair.
Keene, if you're so independent,
say something bad about Paramount Global right now.
Well,
you know, I would, but that's not what's in this here
cowboy's heart. Especially considering how expensive Rusty's apples are.
Okay, exactly.
Moving on.
The nation's thriving bilking industry took a major hit this week
when a Department of Justice charge.
Sam Bankman-Fried
with eight criminal counts related to fraud and money laundering.
Bankman-Fried showed off his famous market prediction skills
by predicting he would not be arrested just hours before his arrest.
Once the dust has settled and once all the investigations
have happened that you won't be arrested for fraud.
I don't think I will be. I don't
think that I,
I don't think I tried to do anything wrong.
I don't think I committed fraud.
In his defense, fraud isn't nearly as straightforward
a concept as blockchain digi-currencies.
FDX was so confident in their business model
that they frantically recruited the credibility of celebrities,
including Tom Brady, Steph Curry and Larry David.
Now would be easy to accuse those celebrities of mindless greed.
But remember, celebrities are humans, and humans are resource hoarding termites.
Major will these charges against Sam Bankman-Fried shatter America's
confidence in our very real and appropriately valued economy.
Not the economy, but the crypto economy, definitely.
And I think the formal title for all these charges filed
by not only the S.E.C., but the Justice Department could be summarized
as follows: You sit on a throne of lies.
Now, one of the charges alleges that Sam Bankman-Fried
made hundreds of millions of dollars or at least
millions of dollars of illegal campaign contributions. In Washington,
that means he sat on a gilded throne of lies.
I sat on a horse.
Keene, you have to stop.
You have to.
I just think it's sad to see a young man taken down by the government
just before he would have amassed enough wealth to use legislators like bonds.
You know, with Musk and Bankman-Fried exposed, the search continues
for the eccentric guy who we should hysterically hand all our money to.
I don't know who he is, but he dresses like garbage,
exclusively eats tomato paste, and works all day in a kayak.
To our audience out there, I just want to say that unlike Sam
Bankman-Fried, I, James Smartwood, am a confident charlatan for a reason.
Big News is not some sort of media grift.
We add real value to the news.
There is no difference between a skyscraper, gold you can hold in your hands,
and me saying things like
Keene, what happened to your horse?
Well, I couldn't hold back Rusty.
He had dreams of his own. Also,
he fell down the stairs.
Okay, you have to clean that up.
Don't make the custodian do it. I know, I know.