TODAY, THE AFORE-MENTIONED TRUMP ATTENDED A MEETING OF THE WHITE
HOUSE OPPORTUNITY AND REVITALIZATION COUNCIL, AND HE
TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO REVITALIZE HIS COMPLAINTS ABOUT
IMMIGRANTS.
>> WE HAVE A STUPID SYSTEM OF COURTS.
IT'S THE CRAZIEST THING IN THE WORLD.
WE COULD BE THE ONLY COUNTRY THAT HAS IT.
YOU PUT A FOOT ON THE PROPERTY, YOU PUT A FOOT INTO THE UNITED
STATES, CONGRATULATIONS.
GO GET PERRY MASON TO REPRESENT YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YOU COULDN'T FIND A
MORE CURRENT REFERENCE THAN "PERRY MASON?"
AT LEAST "MATLOCK" WAS IN COLOR!
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU REMEMBER, JUST LAST WEEK
TRUMP TWEET-THREATENED TO CLOSE THE BORDER, WRITING, "IF MEXICO
DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY STOP ALL ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION COMING INTO
THE UNITED STATES 'THROUG' OUR SOUTHERN BORDER, I WILL BE
CLOSING, DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT...
DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT, THE BORDER, OR LARGE SECTIONS OF THE BORDER,
NEXT WEEK."
THAT TWEET WAS LAST WEEK.
WHICH MEANS "NEXT WEEK" IS THIS WEEK.
AND IT TURNS OUT, TRUMP'S THREAT WAS WEAK, BECAUSE, AFTER HE
THOUGHT IT 'THROUG,' TODAY HE REVISED THAT PLAN.
>> WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THEM A ONE-YEAR WARNING, AND IF THE
DRUGS DON'T STOP, OR LARGELY STOP, WE'RE GOING TO PUT TARIFFS
ON MEXICO AND PRODUCTS-- IN PARTICULARLY, CARS.
WE'RE GOING TO TARIFF THE CARS.
THE CARS ARE VERY BIG.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "THE CARS ARE VERY BIG.
THEY'RE MORE LIKE SMALL TRUCKS, OR VERY BIG MOTORCYCLES TIED
TOGETHER.
WE'RE TALKING, AUTOS MAS GRANDE, OR, AS THEY SAY, CAR-LUPAS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SOMETIMES, WITH ALL THE TURNOVER IN TRUMP-WORLD, I GET SAD WE
DON'T HAVE BIG CHARACTERS LIKE STEVE BANNON OR SEAN SPICER TO
MAKE FUN OF ANYMORE.
BUT, TODAY, WE GOT SOME BIG NEWS ABOUT 2012 PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE AND MAN WHO'S READY TO SLIP OUT OF THIS TIE AND INTO A
MARTINI, HERMAN CAIN.
TODAY, TRUMP REVEALED THAT THE FORMER C.E.O. OF GODFATHER'S
PIZZA WAS HIS PICK FOR THE FEDERAL RESERVE.
>> I'VE RECOMMENDED HERMAN CAIN.
HE'S A VERY TERRIFIC MAN, A TERRIFIC PERSON, HE'S A FRIEND
OF MINE.
I HAVE RECOMMENDED HIM HIGHLY FOR THE FED, I'VE TOLD MY FOLKS
THAT THAT'S THE MAN.
>> STEPHEN: AND THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO SAY TO THAT.
>> AWW, SHUCKY DUCKY.
( LAUGHTER ) NU THE BEST.
THE BEST!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: A CLASSIC.
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, AS
SOMEBODY WHO COVERED HERMAN CAIN IN THE 2012 ELECTION, I CAN TELL
YOU: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, EITHER.
BUT I DO KNOW HERMAN CAIN WAS QUITE A CHARACTER BACK IN THE
DAY.
FOR EXAMPLE, HE TOLD ONE INTERVIEWER THAT HE WAS READY
FOR WHATEVER THE MEDIA THREW AT HIM.
>> I'M READY FOR THE "GOTCHA" QUESTIONS, AND THEY'RE ALREADY
STARTING TO COME.
AND WHEN THEY ASK ME WHO IS THE PRESIDENT OF
UBEKI-BEKI-BEKI-BEKI-STAN-STAN, I'M GOING TO SAY, YOU KNOW, I
DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU KNOW?
>> STEPHEN: YES, I DO.
I BELIEVE IT'S PREMIER KAZMIR OLEG
HAMINA-HAMINA-HAMINA-HAMINA- A-OOOGA!
BOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOING!
( APPLAUSE ) AND WHO CAN FORGET THE END OF
CAIN'S COMMERCIAL, IN WHICH HE SPENT ALMOST TEN SECONDS SLOWLY
SMILING.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S EITHER A KIND OF CREEPY
AD FOR A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN, OR A VERY CREEPY AD FOR INVISALIGN.
( LAUGHTER ) CAIN IS AN UNUSUAL CHOICE, BUT
IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT TRUMP WANTS TO SHAKE UP THE FED.
AFTER ALL, HE HAS BEEN COMPLAINING FOR MONTHS ABOUT
THEIR MONETARY POLICY, AND HE EVEN TWEETED, "THE ONLY PROBLEM
OUR ECONOMY HAS IS THE FED."
BUT LET ME REMIND YOU, MOST OF EXPERIENCE COMES FROM RUNNING A
PIZZA CHAIN.
EVIDENTLY, TRUMP THINKS "FED" IS SHORT FOR "FETTUCCINE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS MAY NEVER HAPPEN,
BECAUSE IT IS UNCLEAR WHETHER MR. CAIN WILL CLEAR THE
BACKGROUND CHECK, BECAUSE HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN CAME TO A
SCREECHING HALT AFTER SEVERAL WOMEN CAME FORWARD WITH
ACCUSATIONS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) IT WAS A SIMPLER TIME, WHEN
REPUBLICANS ACCUSED OF HARASSMENT STEPPED DOWN IN
SHAME.
ALSO, A TIME IN WHICH REPUBLICANS WERE CAPABLE OF
SHAME.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.