no matter what kind of doctor i go to
at my age i end up on my back with my
feet in the air
i thought that was excessive at the
optometrist
i have next to me dr luis espina who is
a board-certified family medicine
physician who i actually trained with as
my senior in residency in addition to
being a great physician
and engineer he's also a part-time
stand-up comic
no so today we're gonna actually watch
professionals deliver medical jokes are
you excited i am very excited you don't
look excited
i am ex scream you must wait in the
waiting room
there's no chance of not waiting that's
the name of the room then they call you
get very excited when they call you
because you think now you're going to
see the doctor but you're not
now you're going into the next smaller
waiting room but i hate the extra weight
so i start maybe i'll start screwing
around with some of his stuff you know
maybe i'll turn that thing up a little
bit whatever the hell that does
take all the tongue depresses out lick
them all put them all back ah
that joke does not age well with coconut
no i was naughty naughty there when was
the last time you used the tongue
depressor
today no way yes you use them regularly
yes
just once i'd like to say to the doctor
you know what i'm not ready for you yet
why don't you go back in your little
office i'll be in in a minute
and get your pants off
then we'll see what's what yeah it's not
going to go what does doctor need that
little office for anyway
you know his books little stupid
aquarium there
i guess he doesn't want people to see
him looking stuff up what the hell was
that
that happens all the time you got that
bro but that's
all that's good yeah and youtube's a
good thing how many times do i go to the
clinical dermatology book
oh my god yeah absolutely and the truth
of the matter is what would you rather i
wing it
or i confirm it exactly so they sent me
to my regular doctor for a follow-up and
i was nervous going because my
cholesterol
i knew it was gonna be high because last
year it was high and uh
i hadn't done anything different i love
patients that are like my cholesterol
didn't go down i'm like well have you
changed anything
like no and the funniest is when you
know the the std results come back and
they act
shocked and then you talk to the health
department and they've known since 2008
that something's been there but they act
shocked
doctors are good people that's why they
avoid the word pain
it's a buzz word they won't hit it a lot
they don't want to scare anybody
doctors we'll tell you all about
pressure
i'll tell you all about the pressure
you're going to experience sticking a
burn
if a doctor tells you're about to feel
some pressure buckle up
that's how i feel about the dentist the
dentist always says you're gonna feel
some pressure i'm like no i feel my gum
is on fire yeah no i i tell them it's
gonna hurt like if
if i'm gonna give them a tetanus
injection for example i tell them
straight up this one's gonna hurt
i'll oversell it and under deliver hey i
feel sorry for the doctors because they
have to give us
our diagnosis and fruit
you go to the doctor and they say uh you
have you have a tumor oh okay how big is
that
oh well that's you deep trouble and
we're in grapefruit land then the doctor
gets sick of looking at your stupid face
he goes
you have a grapefruit
i went to the doctor he said you're
going through the change of life
change your life girls remember when you
went through puberty they told you you
were becoming a woman
you go through the change of life they
don't tell you what you're becoming
i'm becoming my father oh my god
tumors are often compared to fruit
a pear a lemon a grapefruit interesting
fact
worst tumor grapefruit worst fruit
grapefruit it's kind of unfortunate that
there's another fruit that's
much smaller named grape
because you know there's situations in
doctor's offices we've found a tumor
it's the size of a grape
thank god i didn't finish
why does every doctor use fruit or food
because we're trying to be relatable
but pathologists use food all the time
they use
they use food references more than ever
it was hard to go to lunch when i was on
my pathology
yeah it was like the pizza stain i'm
like what is a pizza
the strawberry sign
i want you to know i don't automatically
wash my hands every time i go to the
bathroom okay
can you deal with that
sometimes i do sometimes i don't you
know when i wash
my hands when i on them
that's the only time and you know how
often that happens
tops tops two three times a week
if you kill all the germs around you and
live a completely sterile life
then when germs do come along you're not
going to be prepared and never mind
ordinary germs
what are you going to do when some super
virus comes along that turns your vital
organs into
i'll liquids you what you're going to do
you're going to get sick you're going to
die and you're going to deserve it
because you're weak and you got
a weak immune system how do you
know coleman was coming he is
nostradamus
yeah he knew everything i am glad he's
not here
he would give him a pain oh my he this
wouldn't even be funny to him
the doctor looks at me says you're
peeing 11 times a day
then you may have something wrong with
your prostate so
what we need to do some of you are ahead
of me
i did not know what this was gonna feel
like
and this was the actual sound i made i
went oh
what's the weirdest reaction you had
from a patient in doing a prostate exam
i've had strange sounds
i had one guy almost break my finger off
with his fingers no it was the clenching
and the twisting that was the problem
the twisting
because that's a strong sphincter well
he was a strong man so why didn't he
just slide out
well he clenched everything i mean he
clamped here's my cool story
i'm about to do a pap smear we're doing
the exam i talk to the patient
walk them through it i take my speculum
which is a see-through speculum it's not
one of the metal ones
i get a little lubricant on the lower
part not the top so it doesn't interfere
with my pap smear and just about
inserted i'm like
feel the speculum and it's jagged edge
i always check on one side if i would
have inserted yeah
it would have just slid the skin right
over yeah i was diagnosed with
bilateral breast cancer and i ended up
getting a double mastectomy
and i had a double mastectomy i was
already
pretty flat chested and i made
so many jokes over the years about how
small
my chest was that i started to think
that maybe my boobs
overheard me
and we're just like you know what
we're sick of this
let's kill her this is called owning
your own
experience yeah something terrible
happens to you and you found your unique
way of coping with it
and it's a positive outlet and i'm
jealous because i want to be better at
that
on that bright note check out this
grey's anatomy review
i did with dr spina and what's your
favorite video you could point to the
other side
no dancing videos no oh the last tick
tock video has him dancing in it click
that
as always stay happy and healthy
[Music]
you