Hey everyone, Geoffrey here,
and we all know that your ability to listen is a crucial aspect of
communication, that if you can't listen,
then you can't communicate and you've been trying really hard to communicate
really well, but somehow your partner doesn't think so.
They always blame you for not listening. Well,
in this video I'm going to show you one very powerful technique that you can use
to transform the way you listen and for the best marriage or relationship tips
then subscribe to this channel and click that bell button,
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[inaudible].
And so when we first started our relationship, you know,
listening was a big problem for us and I would be really trying really hard to
listen very intently. I would read all these blogs,
I would read all these books about what it means to listen,
but somehow listening was so difficult and even though I really tried,
my partner would still think that I'm not listening.
And so by the end of this video,
I'll show you this one technique that we learned.
And once we learned this technique,
listening was never a problem again in our relationship.
And so a lot of us are very familiar with the common listening techniques that
you can read on the internet and so on. So for example,
people say you need eye contact, you need to make eye contact.
Eye contact tells people that you're listening.
Well the problem with that is that, you know,
sometimes I could be making eye contact and my brain would be focused on making
eye contact rather than listening.
And so I'm more focused on making eye contact and listening so eye contact works
in communicating that you're listening,
but it doesn't work all the time because it kind of distracts you away from
actually listening. Another one that you hear is just listen,
don't try to respond, just listen, listen fully, be present.
And while this sounds really good and it sounds very poetic and it sounds easy
in theory, in practice, it's actually really hard.
And the problem with this approach is that your brain is geared to respond.
And when you're listening to someone,
the first thing you want to do is to respond.
And all these responses are just running through your head and just controlling
these responses take so much energy in your head that all the energy spent on
controlling these response thoughts and stopping yourself from responding,
then actually listening. So while it sounds good in theory, in practice,
it actually makes it much harder.
And the third thing that you often hear is when you want to listen,
then you've got to ask questions.
But the problem here is that sometimes we ask questions,
but even though we ask questions,
somehow our partner's thinking that our questions means that we're not
listening. So tell us in the comments below, leave a comment.
Which of these three techniques did you try to follow?
But when you tried to follow it doesn't actually work. So leave a comment below.
We'd love to hear your thoughts on this one. And so what can we do here?
What is the solution here? Well,
the one technique that I teach my clients and the one technique that really has
helped me, our relationship is to listen,
but with the intent of repeating and paraphrasing.
And so what does this look like? It's very simple.
You simply follow this formula.
It's paraphrase and then clarify.
And let me explain to you what this is and how this really works.
So when you're trying to repeat or paraphrase, you know,
you're listening to your partner express their ideas and you're simply going to
say something like, Oh, so you're saying X,
you're saying that you feel betrayed. Or you can say,
so if I understand you correctly, you're saying that when I did this,
that made you really mad. Or you can even say.
So I want to make sure that I understand you here. So what you're saying is X.
And so that's the part where you're either repeating or paraphrasing and just
understand here that you don't need to repeat exactly what they said,
word for word. You know, you don't want to sound like a robot,
but feel free to paraphrase what they said.
And then once you repeat or paraphrase,
then you're gonna invite them to clarify more of their thoughts.
And so you can say something like, Hey, tell me more about that.
Can you say more about that? Why do you say that? What makes you say that?
Then once you ask this question, just stay silent.
Just the repeat and paraphrase and clarify is really all you need to show your
partner that you're listening and to make yourself listen.
And so when you're trying to listen to your partner talk, you know,
they could be going on and on for 10, 15 minutes.
All this while all you should be doing is to try to fill in these blanks right
here. And that's it. And so why does this one technique work so well? Well,
I'll tell you why. There's five reasons why.
Number one is that it's a very conscious way to get all your brain faculties to
focus on filling in those blanks,
to filling in that formula instead of responding. And when that happens,
you're getting your brain to be really heavy into the discovery mode.
And so you're not thinking about what to rebut and you're not thinking about
what to say next. You're not thinking about how you disagree or how you agree.
All you're thinking about is filling in those blanks,
which is really understanding what they're saying because you need to understand
what they're saying in order for you to repeat or paraphrase.
And also what this does is it really cuts this long structures of,
listening, which can be quite uncomfortable after a while,
which can be quite difficult after a while. And so, you know,
when I'm talking to my partner, every five minutes or so, I'll say, okay,
so if I understand you correctly, what you're saying is X.
And so that satisfies my desire to respond.
And that kind of cuts through that discomfort of having to listen to your
partner for 10, 15, 20 minutes straight.
And so it shifts your brain into discovery mode while at the same time
satisfying the desire for your brain to actually respond to your partner.
And another reason it works so well is that this is a really rare thing that
people do. And when you do this properly,
you can make that person feel very special, feel very good about themselves.
So imagine this.
So imagine that you're expressing your ideas to someone and the other person
you're expressing your ideas to tells you, okay, that makes sense. Or you know,
actually that's pretty profound. Can you tell me more about that?
Can you say more about that? I want to know more about that.
And that makes you feel very special instantly. It makes you think like,
Oh this person is actually listening is actually interested in what I have to
say. And that's a very,
very powerful thing that you can give someone when you're actually listening to
them.
And the last reason why it works so well is that it gives you this opportunity
to clarify anything that you're not clear of.
And so when your partner is talking for like five 10 minutes straight,
there's going to be a lot of things in there that you don't agree with that
you're confused about that just doesn't seem to make sense to you.
And this framework gives you a very easy way for you to introduce your question.
So for example, you can just say something like, okay,
so I want to make sure I understand you correctly here.
So what you're saying is X, or what you're saying is Y am I on the right track?
Or can you say more about that? And if you're wrong,
then you're bringing it up in a way that doesn't actually make your partner feel
defensive because you are telling your partner here that you're in discovery
mode. You're here to discover you're not here to judge.
You're not here to justify. You're here to discover.
And when you structure your questions like this,
it makes people a lot less defensive.
And the last thing I want to leave you with is this thing called see it land or
feel it land and let it land.
And so when you're talking to your partner and they're saying things for like
five 10 minutes and you're listening and you're listening with the intent to
repeat, then once they finish,
let there be about five seconds and that five seconds is you feeling it land.
So you're not thinking of responses.
You're just thinking about how do I make sense of everything that my partner
just said and how do I kind of categorize it and organize it in my brain to be
able to repeat or paraphrase correctly.
So just let five seconds of silence happen. And then once you feel it land,
you ask your repeat paraphrase or clarify. So you say, okay,
so what you're saying is X, can you say more about that?
And then you're going to let it land in your partner for five seconds because
now they're thinking about your summary and they're kind of processing your
summary and this goes back and forth and it's like a ping pong match where your
partner says something. Then you say something,
then you asked the question where your partner says something.
Then you follow up with a repeat paraphrase and clarify.
Then your partner says something even more to clarify.
Then you continue that process back and forth.
And the thing about this is that your partner should be talking at least 80% of
the time.
And so all you're saying here is just the repeat paraphrase or clarify.
That's it. You're not saying anything else. And so once you ask that question,
give the stage to your partner and it should be an 80 20 balance between when
you're talking and when your partner is talking with your partner,
talking 80% of the time or more.
And the thing is that when you do this properly,
you will eventually reach this point where you're completely clear about what
they're trying to say. You get this Eureka moment,
you get this complete understanding of what they're trying to say.
And you know this point when you ask this repeat paraphrase or clarify and they
really have nothing more to clarify their other repeating a lot of the stuff
they're saying or they just say that's it. That's all there is to it.
And at that point then you can transition to you speaking.
But when you transition, you want to ask for permission.
So you can say something like, okay, I think I understand what you're saying.
Um, can I say things from my perspective?
And you kind of let it land on your partner that question, that permission.
And once your partner agrees, then say your story. Say your side,
but you don't want to just like transition and tell your partner your thoughts.
You want to ask for permission first and have your partner be the one who
decides to listen to your side now and when you can follow this technique using
the repeat paraphrase or clarify and then seeing it land or feeling land and let
it land and also the technique of how to transition your conversation away from
listening to talking yourself,
then that's a very effective way of dealing with the conversation right there.
That's a very effective framework of dealing with the conversation and when you
can follow those three things,
then the chances are very low that your partner is going to blame you for not
listening because you did everything to suggest that you're listening and you
were actually listening because you're getting your brain in that right mode.
Now if you want a resource, I can help you not only listen better,
but also teach you how to conduct your conversation in a way that makes for very
effective communication.
Then you want to check out my four day training series on this subject. Exactly.
And this 4 day training series will not only teach you how to listen better,
but also just how to communicate better in general to resolve conflicts better,
to resolve issues better and just to communicate better in your relationship.
And if you want to access this four day training series,
the link is in the description box below this video.
And if you're looking for a safe space to talk about your issues,
to talk about your problems and actually get really good advice from experts
about your issues in your relationship,
then you want to also join my secret Facebook group filled with members who are
just as dedicated to fixing and working on their relationship as you are.
And the link to that is below this video as well.
So if you like this video and found it to be very valuable,
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one. And also tell us which of these insights that I gave you today was the most
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We'd love to hear your thoughts and thank you so much for watching this video
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it's really nice to have all of you here and to find that people are actually
excited to work on the relationship like I am, but for now,
I'll see you in the next video.