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you need to maintain spending discipline in our nation's capital I've had planned to protect small
business owners and employees from I actually did vote for the 87 billion with all your heart
members all the local officials the high sheriff is with us today if
you're worried about the quality of the educational community in which you live
we stand for the fair treatment of faith-based groups where we
receive federal support for the work this will not happen on my watch
invigorating America's youth Now ladies and gentlemen I have to explain something this is
going to be very complicated because it's already a legal ordeal and it's the kind of thing I always
step my foot into and it's a it's a huge mess and I just want to remind you of something we're just
kids here trying to have fun isn't that right all we're trying to do just trying to because
at the end of the day we're all weary you know we've all had problems at work there's problems
with the world problems with the family problems with with the the wife problems with the husband
not stop so at the end of the day we just want to sort of unplug and let everybody
relax and enjoy themselves as they drift off into some sort of medically assisted sleep
um
which is really true in my case
anyway
so now last night we had this thing was called a George W bush who motivates America's youth
or something like that oh yeah yeah and it was very funny and it was a video footage of George
W bush speaking at a big fundraiser in Orlando Florida and they were you know it's a republican
so they were raising billions and billions and billions of dollars and so there's George W bush
at a Podium into George's right as a kid about 12 13 years old and the speech is like an hour
long yes so so the poor kid is having trouble uh paying attention because he don't want to
be standing up there with Dad but you know Dad's here you go George so the kid has to be up there
and he's doing this and he's playing around and he's looking at his watch and he's yawning and it
was very very funny and it just got progressively uh more and more entertaining so now uh CNN gets
a hold of the footage and they they run the footage and here now is what the CNN anchor
woman has to say about the footage immediately after it has aired on CNN and take a look at this
all right had a good giggle before the break that video from David Letterman we're being told by
the White House that the kid as funny as he was was edited into that video all right now that
that ladies and gentlemen as sure as I'm sitting here is an out and out absolute 100 percent lie
thank you
are you going to believe me or CNN
where do you go when you want your free razors
that's right I don't know
about that so the the kid absolutely was there and he absolutely was doing everything we depicted via
the videotape so now uh CNN they they switch teams the woman who said that I guess was
fired they bring in another anchor woman and now here's what she has to say about the tape
yeah okay we're told that that kid was there at that event but not necessarily standing
behind the president so you could put it all together all together for you that is an out
and out absolute 100 percent lie the kid was exactly standing where we said he was
go
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when you when you when you when you cast your vote in November just remember that
the White House was trying to make me look like a dope [Applause]
mighty my life just gets more and more complicated
you know I was a minute ago just a minute ago you were here with me when it happened I was ranting
and raving about the White House yeah well now according to this CNN has just phoned oh
and according to this information the anchor woman misspoke they never got a
comment from the White House oh I see it was a CNN mistake sure
it was a CNN well what what good does that do me the damage I've already now
I've already now called them Liars
I think from now on we're gonna have to start looking into things why start why start now
because I see everything was fine except now I've called the White House liar yeah
and you know what that means he's going to start
looking into my taxes and the next thing you know what yeah [Applause]
is this really the way to run a television show we're taping it now this is not like a rehearsal
you know about tonight's show that the the White House did say it was the kid or they
didn't say it was the kid that isn't that the most important thing and and did we know no no
and I and now I've called them liar
liar what's that
why are you worried about CNN it's my ass is in a sling now [Music]
well when I'm doing time just remember them razors
if you're just joining us I've made two grievous mistakes so far tonight I thought everybody was
getting a free [ __ ] Quattro now it turns out that some will get the [ __ ] Quattro some will
get the candy bars and then I also thought that the White House was lying turns out
turns out they didn't have anything to do with this
but I of course went ahead and called them Liars and you got to help me out of this I'm getting
into something here that's very complicated so please indulge me bear with me and I need
your help for change all right yeah on on this started Monday night we had a thing with George
W bush whereby he inspires the nation's Youth and it was George W bush he's had a fundraiser
in Central Florida and he's talking for about an hour and there's a young boy a cute little
kid about eight nine ten I don't know standing behind the president and as all kids will do
because he's bored stiff by what the president is saying he starts to fidget and and the longer it
went the more he fidgeted and he's looking at his clock and he's yawning and he's cracking his neck
doing this and and we put these together so it was very amusing very very amusing now uh the the next
day CNN picked up this little thing that we had done on the show and they ran it and then after
they ran the piece here's what one of the anchor persons said about that piece roll that videotape
all right had a good giggle before the break that video from David Letterman um we're being told by
the White House that the kid as funny as he was was edited into that video okay so now
now I know I I became very very upset because I said to myself haha the White House is trying to
make me look like a dope which I guess turnabout is fair play well anyway thank you very much
so we did not edit the the boy was actually there absolutely there we didn't edit him into it we
didn't monkey with the videotape at all there was nothing going on it was the kid being born I mean
what's so hard to believe about that that somebody might be bored by the president okay so so now uh
CNN has a minute or two to think it over and then this is what they say following that first one
okay we're told that that kid was there at that event but not necessarily standing behind the
president so you can put it all together right well see once again this is not true either
the kid was the kid was standing there and and I'm beginning you know me
I'm I'm beginning to smell a cover-up and and it's not it's not me I'm worried about I'm worried
about those boneheads at CNN because they get one call from the White House and all of a sudden I
don't exist well I've I've manufactured the kid I'm you know I'm running a little magic show here
I'm trying to run a little screwball by people well nothing can be farther from the truth so
now last night on the show I'm doing everything I did tonight I'm saying last night and then in
the middle of the show I get a note from somebody saying oh by the way CNN called and they said that
the White House never called CNN never called CNN so now I realize it's it's me you know it's it's a
it's like the old joke The Lone Ranger and Tonto what do you mean we you know it's just it's me
all right yeah so so so now I'm I've irritated the White House and called them liars and feeling
foolish and and then but listen to this it has a happy ending listen to this are you listening yes
so
thank you so because now I've impugned the Integrity of the White House
I'm nervous that I'll spend the rest of my days in a federal penitentiary but today ladies and
gentlemen I have uh from a undisputable source a very very high placed source that in fact the
White House did call CNN dig yeah make sure you want to keep your hand on your wallet doesn't it
I'm telling you this stinks so high they they did call CNN and tried to muscle them
into pulling the story or making me look like a dope or something went haywire that's all I
can tell you right now and if if I disappear mysteriously between now and tomorrow night
being on CBS is kind of like disappearing hey wait a minute hey
yes so so we'll keep you posted did I get the Salient points of that correct I mean
because it's just back and forth and back and forth and back and forth but yesterday
we found out that CNN said no no no no no no the White House didn't call us but
they said twice that the White House did call them they had yeah so then all the
White House never called well today we find out yes guess what they called [Laughter]
I am
I wouldn't be surprised if this puts an end to government as we know it
thank you I got to explain this this has just gotten to be so silly and so complicated and
I'm gonna have to go through it again because every day there's a new development and and I we
think now it's over we hope to God it's over so like on Monday not like on Monday it was Monday
we show this videotape it's George W bush invigorating America's youth uh now since
that time we've learned a lot of things about about the young man and it turns out we heard
from his father that he'd been up very late the night before because he was excited about
the meeting the president and they got him out of bed early the next day so the kid in addition to
being bored silly as as would any right-thinking kid well of course uh he was very very tired and
behaved just the way a kid behaves absolutely nothing wrong with that so now now the very
next day this appears on the CNN they roll the same footage we just showed you and then it's
followed up by these comments from a CNN anchor person all right had a good giggle before the
break that video from David Letterman we're being told by the White House that the kid as funny as
he was was edited into that video great okay so so now this this kind of gets your nose out of joints
she says as funny as it was we're being told being told we're being told by the White House
that's the key phrase we're being told by the White House that that the kid was not there
and we edited the kid in well that of course is absolutely not the case the kid was right there
we didn't somehow work some kind of uh animatronic robotic magic and superimposed the kid was there
he exists he lives in Florida but they were told now this is where it gets a little a little hinky
they were told now by the White House that it didn't exist did not exist now shortly thereafter
that statement was amended to this okay we're told that that kid was there at that event but
not necessarily standing behind the president so you can put it all together okay so so now
now they've changed their story the kid was there
the kids are told by the White House that the kid was there the White House confirms that but not
standing behind the president well not more than 11 or 10 inches but he was he was right there so
so I'm I'm all worked up about this and and then uh later we are told now that the the White House
didn't call CNN that that was the development the other day so I'm I'm upset because I smell
a conspiracy I think something's going haywire I I see this as the end of democracy as we know it
uh another one of them Watergate kind of deals you know and so I'm shooting
my mouth off and right in the middle of the show I'm handing to note saying no
no no no no no no the White House did not contact CNN the White House did
not contact CNN so so now I feel like oh I guess I'm gonna do uh heavy time yeah
okay so so now it gets a little confusing so that the next day that the next day I'm
told oh no the White House did contact CNN there's a huge conspiracy developing and
they were contacted by the White House they were trying to shut CNN up because
they didn't want to make these people look ridiculous because they were big
Republican fundraisers and you know I'm going to disappear mysteriously
in about 8 will find my body in the trunk of a rental car
so so now
so we're told despite what the the everybody says that they were this high-ranking high
place Source unidentified Source says no no the White House did call them so now today and this
is a landmark day whether you understand any of this or not today is a landmark day
because For the First Time in 25 years of network television broadcasting the first
time ever since I've been doing this someone has apologized to me here it has never happened before
it has never happened before here now is the CNN apology to me take a look at this all right now
we need to do something that um you'll probably see on David Letterman later tonight um need to
clear up something from a couple days ago you might recall that we had some fun with some
tape that we took from the Letterman show it's of a kid who had trouble staying alert during
a presidential speech in Orlando last month so we aired it on this show and then after we did
they had me come on here and tell you that the White House called and told us it was faked well
turns out due to a what we might say a misunderstanding among the folks who are
usually so fantastic behind me here in The Newsroom turns out that was not true the
White House turns out I guess never did call us about the tape the Lettermen show if you've been
watching at night strongly denies it was fake boy do they strongly deny that and we've been
listen to our tapes and apparently we now see no evidence that it was faked so Dave
we apologize for the error I hope that makes things good with us if you need me to come up
and do a stupid human trick or a stupid pet trick I have that too okay we apologize we will be back
what do you think
but this whole thing just smells doesn't it smell a little bit very confusing it just smells just a
little bit we were told and it seems unlikely and probably they didn't and I'm being told to
tell you that the White House really didn't I mean it just all seems just a little too tidy
just a little too neat and now uh the the guy the kid in Florida and his old man was really upset
in the beginning what are you trying to do it is well now everybody down there loves it everybody
couldn't be happier everybody thought it was hilarious so you see it's just a little too tidy
don't you see what I'm saying well it's i i stuff like this never ends happily
so certainly not happily for me I was waiting for the lawsuit I was waiting to be arrested I
was waiting to be beaten to a pulp and now oh everybody's enjoying oh we couldn't be happier
and by the way tomorrow the young man Tyler akrati is his name he'll be a guest on the show
well that's um
I'm pretty sure that the White House contacted CNN here's what I think the White House contacted
CNN because the people in Florida were upset because their big huge fat Republican donors
and we're giving you four million dollars and what the hell you put the kid on TV and he's
making a fool of itself what are you trying to pull over God's sakes so now like Bush don't
have another enough problems he calls CNN and he says well you better stop that clam that up
you know the stove pipe that are they stove pipe stuff I don't know that's what I think
happened and and so now when they find out the dumb boy here gets wind to this then they say
everything everything's fine everybody couldn't be happier that's that's my theory [Music]