- What would you like a rap about?
Yeah, hand up here, yes?
- [Attendee 1] Castle Grayskull.
- Castle Grayskull
from "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe".
Okay, cool, lovely stuff, I love that.
We've got a hand up here.
Yes, gentlemen in the creator T-shirt
- [Attendee 2] Torturing a donkey shagger to death
with a feather duster.
- Torturing a donkey shagger to death
with a, it's a weird moment to walk in on.
(audience laugh) Torturing a donkey shagger
to death with a feather duster.
Okay and Castle Grayskull. (audience chuckle)
Usually I have to kind of ask more questions.
The first one, very simple.
That's a pop culture reference, I understand.
This one, I don't want to ask
any more questions (audience laugh)
about how that possibly came up.
Great. Let's come to,
yes, hand up here.
Because all the sketches are coming from the front.
Sorry, people who sat at the back, yeah.
What do you want a rap about?
- [Attendee 3] Scottish history.
- Scottish history.
Do you want to pick a particular aspect
of Scottish history?
- Nah, not really, man. - 1066.
(audience vocalize) - Oh no, no, no,
let the gentleman choose.
- [Attendee 3] I'm changing it to West Coast rap music.
- You changed it to Glasgow's rap music?
- [Attendee 3] No, West Coast rap music.
- Oh, West Coast, sorry! (audience chuckle)
In my head,
Glasgow's rap music was definitely a much better suggestion.
(audience laugh) I hope you don't mind,
I'm gonna take a dealer's choice
and say that I am co-opting your suggestion
and making it Glasgow's rap music about Scottish history.
That's what I'm gonna do for that.
Castle Grayskull, torturing a donkey shagger to death
with a feather duster.
Let's go to the back of the room over here
'cause there's a hand, was that hand upfront you, yeah?
- [Attendee 4] Yeah, a smear test from Freddy Krueger.
(audience vocalize) - A smear test
from Freddy Krueger. (audience laugh)
So what's fun, if you're just here
because you were like, "Let's go see a show"
and you're just like,
"Why aren't people just suggesting things
like pizza and dogs?" (audience laugh)
But it's because there's these people,
him definitely, right? (audience laugh)
They watch everything I put online
and they go, "Oo, let's try and catch him out,
(audience laugh) or let's try
and do something really weird."
That's why, they're all massive losers
with nothing better to do. (audience laugh)
In the best possible way. (audience applaud)
I include myself in that.
A smear test from Freddy Krueger.
And there was a hand up a couple of rows back.
Yeah, what was it?
- [Attendee 5] The economical decline of Venezuela.
- The eco-
- [Audience Member] Woo.
(audience chuckle) - Okay.
Just, do you mean the economic decline of Venezuela?
'Cause what- (audience laughs)
(audience applaud)
No, because it's a different meaning, right?
If you're like, "Their decline was very economical",
(audience laugh) like it happened
reasonably quickly, right?
The economic decline of Venezuela,
a smear test from Freddy Krueger,
torturing a donkey shagger to death with a feather duster,
Castle Grayskull, Glasgow rap music and Scottish history.
- [Attendee 6] The police!
- The, we'll throw that in there as well, yes.
- [Attendee 6] Go on!
- I feel like this is definitely not the moment
to go for a piss, (audience laugh)
but 'cause this is the best bit.
This apart from the bit at the end, that's the best bit.
But this is a freestyle about all those things.
You might to remind me,
'cause there are so many big words in there.
Let's, drop this beat. ("Cherry" by Pilotk plays)
Let's have some fun.
I'm really excited, thank you for the suggestions.
If the rap is shit, it's entirely my fault.
So let's do this.
♪ I'm not sure if Archie ever saw this before ♪
♪ Only twelve years old, do you know Skeletor ♪
♪ Yellow on the bones, up there in his head ♪
♪ Purple on the cloak ♪
♪ Yeah, it's been said he's dead ♪
♪ But somehow definitely alive ♪
♪ When He-Man turns up and arrives at Castle Grayskull ♪
♪ That's the fortress of Skeletor ♪
♪ He's banging there on the four colors on the door ♪
♪ I used to have a playset sitting down on the concrete ♪
♪ Looking on walls, I probably started ♪
♪ I'm bringing out the massive tiger ♪
♪ I don't know the name, I apologize ♪
♪ Maybe you're a nerd like the guy behind you's like ♪
♪ Hello, I'm Freddy ♪
♪ And in my mind I like to murder children ♪
♪ Got a clawed face ♪
♪ Elm Street, that's my favorite place ♪
♪ They find new line cinema, that's a true fact ♪
♪ Gloves with the blades on it, I know we do that ♪
♪ But actually, you went to morgue, behaving himself ♪
♪ Walked in the medical door ♪
♪ Like, of course I want to help people out ♪
♪ Why am I making Johnny Depp's blood gush out ♪
♪ That happens in the first movie under the bed ♪
♪ He gets you in your nightmares, then you're dead ♪
♪ Then you wake up, you don't, 'cause by then you've died ♪
♪ But a great service he can provide ♪
♪ He gets a long finger, says here, here, come on ♪
♪ I need to give you a smear, smear ♪
(audience laugh)
♪ They sit down uncertain law ♪
♪ He inserts the blade up their cervical ♪
♪ Actually, it makes a lot of sense ♪
♪ He blunts the edges but doesn't need the implements ♪
♪ No instruments, he works hard, he really does ♪
♪ He doesn't spoil, he doesn't get the cash from oil ♪
♪ Like a South American country that stays there ♪
♪ I'll persuade ya, spitting about Venezuela ♪
♪ They were making all the cash you know ♪
♪ Getting it black roll from the holes down below ♪
♪ From all of the peace the dinosaurs you seen ♪
♪ They were perishing there, Jurassic in the plasticine ♪
♪ But sadly, they just whittled it away ♪
♪ I'm not actually familiar with the facts today ♪
♪ Are they doing well ♪
♪ Are they going down so low ♪
♪ Was the decline economical or economic ♪
♪ I'm not up on it, not well-read ♪
(audience applaud)
♪ But yeah, you know she said this one ♪
♪ You know I'm going to grab you, not stab you like Freddy ♪
♪ But that donkey shagger, they're walking around ♪
♪ They're scot free, I say no siree, not today 'ye ♪
♪ 'Cause it's in the past, like the 1200s ♪
♪ The Dark Ages ♪
♪ Grab the guy and I throw my nose at him ♪
♪ I say come in here like the Spanish Inquisition ♪
♪ Bend over, give me your rear ♪
♪ He's like, what ya gonna do, all of the bluster ♪
♪ Ah, I torture him with a feather duster ♪
♪ Admittedly, it's actually quite nice ♪
♪ He says, oh, this is something I like ♪
♪ It really gets me off, it really does the job ♪
♪ I'm playing a character like my name's Ken Dodd ♪
♪ 'Cause he had a feather duster, move it round the skin ♪
♪ He says, maybe you can insert it in ♪
♪ I say no, you're bad, not classy ♪
♪ You have sex with donkeys in their assy ♪
♪ D'you get it, a donkey is an ass, no fool ♪
♪ Put him in jail, put him in place ♪
♪ Where the sex with the mules that he did ♪
♪ Last thing that we know, you said West Coast ♪
♪ But I heard Glasgow ♪
♪ Okay, I'll do the accent badly ♪
♪ I come from the west of Edinburgh, Glasby ♪
♪ What do I do, I drop the mic ♪
♪ I spit all that fire every single night ♪
♪ And King Tut's Wah Wah Hut ♪
♪ Don't mean to offend you, genuinely a Glaswegian venue ♪
♪ I bloody love Glasby, go there on a Saturday ♪
♪ Next weekend, doing shows, yeah flattering ♪
♪ And there we go, I'm calling a truce between me ♪
♪ Me, the Scottish guys and you ♪
♪ And do the freestyle rap you know I produce ♪
♪ A freestyle rap about Robert the Bruce ♪
(audience cheer) (audience applaud)