- I've got a friend who's a doctor, she's a brilliant woman.
And we were having one of those lovely catch-up chats.
You know, when you haven't seen a friend in ages,
and you've got the kettle constantly on,
and you're putting the world to rights.
It was one of the those and it was lovely.
And we ended up talking,
I don't know how we got onto this subject,
but we ended up talking about how much toilet roll we use.
I think I'd been bragging.
When my boyfriend's round at mine
we can rattle through a nine pack in a week.
And she said to me, "you're using too much".
I was like, "what?
Is there like a shortage?"
And she went "no, but you're using too much."
And then she went "dry, wet, dry".
I said "what"?
"Dry, wet, dry.
Dry, use a bit of toilet roll.
Wet, one of those moist toilet tissues."
I didn't know want that my mime is.
(audience laughing) That's scary because I'm quite clearly
doing somebody else's arse, aren't I?
(audience laughing)
It's good to see I'm very thorough though, isn't it?
(audience laughing)
So that's wet,
and then pat it dry with a bit of toilet roll.
And I said, you know what? I'm 36.
I've been doing this a long time.
How about I just stick to me usual way?
And she said,
and I hope this is how she talks to her patients,
she said, "your arsehole will fall off".
(audience laughing)
But you know, there are those times
when you've run out of toilet roll.
And obviously, the worst time to run out of toilet roll
is when you really fucking need some toilet roll.
Give us a cheer if you've ever used something else
because you had to.
(audience cheering) Oh, quite a lot of ya.
What kinds of things have you? Shout out.
(audience shouting)
A sock!
(audience laughing)
Fuck.
(audience laughing)
Who said that? Give us a wave.
Where are you love?
There you are. Happy as bloody Larry, they are.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
OK, so you used a sock. Uh, urgh.
Did you, did you do it like that?
(audience laughing)
Or did you put it on your hand?
(all laughing)
Oh, like the saddest ever glove puppet.
(audience laughing)
"I don't want to."
(audience laughing)
"I don't want to."
(audience laughing)
Well done, pet.
(audience laughing)
What else have you used? Shout out.
(audience shouting)
What was, what was that?
- [Audience Member] A shower head.
A shower head?
(audience laughing)
Oh my God!
(audience laughing)
Did you have to like...?
(audience laughing)
Oh, did you have to part your cheeks?
(audience laughing)
Oh my God.
Was that in your own shower?
(audience laughing)
Was it in your own shower?
- [Audience Member] Yes.
Oh, that's all right then. Good.
Imagine: "Oh no, it was just at my friends."
Oh, he's here, oh yeah.
Hiya.
Didn't tell you about this did I.
So we've got a sock and a shower head.
What other?
(audience shouting)
Spare pants?!
Somebody here said spare pants.
(audience laughing)
Somebody here.
That's a good answer.
And there's a good reason to carry spare pants.
What was the fellow over here?
- [Audience Member] Sandpaper.
Sand paper.
(audience laughing)
Do we believe them?
- [Audience] No!
No.
(audience laughing)
- [Audience Member] I was on the beach.
What was that love?
- [Audience Member] I was on the beach.
You were on the beach?
And that's where, I know that's where sand comes from,
but I don't know if there are many DIY places on the beach.
(audience laughing)
Oh, you know that beach that's got all those B&Q's?
(audience laughing)
Any other things we've used?
- [Audience Member] Your hand.
Your hand.
(audience laughing with disgust)
Any others?
What was that?
- [Audience Member] My bosses performance review.
- Your boss's performance review.
(audience laughing)
High five, fella.
(audience laughing)
Well done. Excellent, excellent work.
(all laughing)
There was a lady the other day,
and I use the term lady
as loosely as it's possible to use it,
said that she'd used a sandwich.
(audience laughing) I don't know about you, love,
but I can't eat Nutella anymore
(audience laughing)
You told me yours, I'll tell you mine.
When it happened to me I was in my flat.
And I thought, I was sort of thinkin about the other rooms,
visualising the other rooms
thinking what on earth could I use?
Never been posh enough for kitchen roll,
but I've always had tissues in.
But I had run out of tissues at the same time.
And it was like, "It's Sod's Law.
what on earth could I use?"
And then I remembered that I've recently treated meself
to some flash wipes.
(audience laughing)
Yes, it stung.
(audience laughing)
Yes, it was very lemony.
(audience laughing)
It was also the cleanest that I've ever felt.
(audience laughing)
And to be fair, the advert does say
that they're for stubborn rings.
So....
(audience laughing and clapping)
I did a show in Belfast and a fellow shouted out an answer,
but I couldn't quite, it was sorta, it was just a noise.
Cause he had such a strong accent.
I could just make out a noise.
I just heard wa wah, that's all I heard. Wa wah.
And I said, "What, you wiped your arse on a werewolf,
did you love?
Turned out what are actually used was wire wool.
(audience laughing)
I'd rather take me chances with a fuckin werewolf.
(audience laughing)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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I'm sure those emails or those dishes can wait a bit longer.