- So a friend of mine the other day said,
"Hey, have you seen 'The Tinder Swindler?'"
And I was like, "No, what's that?"
And they said, "Check it out on Netflix."
And so I watched this documentary.
Oh my gosh, it blew my mind.
The degree to which this guy goes to scam these women
is insane.
Now, I've been coaching women for over a decade.
I've coached women who got scammed,
and they came in to learn how to keep themselves safe.
I've coached women who, in the process of online dating,
were like, "Hey, what do you think of this?"
and yeah, it was a scammer,
helped them avoid scams.
And "The Tinder Swindler" was clockwork
what a scammer tries to do.
And the shame of this
is that when we're trying to fall in love,
you have to be able to cross a threshold.
And that threshold is you must be willing
to put yourself out there.
And anytime we put ourselves out there,
whether it be love or whether it be business
or whether it be self-expression,
there's a risk involved.
And in dating, there's a risk
with how do I stay safe with my heart, right?
I don't want my heart to get hurt.
There's a risk of how do I stay physically safe.
I don't wanna give physically hurt.
And how do I stay financially safe?
How do I keep my finances safe?
And the good news is in every one of those scenarios,
there are ways that you can keep yourself safe.
In other words, it doesn't mean
that you won't ever experience heartache or rejection,
but you know that if you do, you're gonna be okay.
It doesn't mean
that you won't ever notice a risky situation.
But if you notice how to spot the risks and spot the scams,
you can well avoid them.
The same way with driving a car.
Driving a car, there's a risk.
There's a risk you might get into an accident.
But you know that you can spot danger coming your way
to a degree where the risk is low enough
that you're willing to drive.
You're not gonna let that risk keep you
from living the life that you want.
And so today I'm gonna share with you
the common components that are these red flags
that you might be in this toxic relationship
or on a toxic date.
It's like putting a seatbelt on.
So you can keep yourself safe and never fall into a scam
or a Tinder Swindler-like experience.
Check it out.
(bright music)
Hey, there, this is Mat Boggs.
And I'm the founder of the love and relationship division
here at the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live a life they love.
And that includes your love life.
So if this video serves you,
I encourage you to click this subscribe button
and click that little bell.
Because every week we bring you new videos
to empower you in your love life.
So I'm really glad we're able
to put this video together for you,
because my hope is that this video
helps you have the confidence to date
and feel free to date the people that you want to date,
because you know that you're able
to spot the scammers a mile off and steer clear.
Now, "The Tinder Swindler,"
in this whole documentary, is a special circumstance
because this man was scamming
to a degree that no one had ever seen before.
But the elements that he was using were classic,
common elements that most scammers use.
So let's unpack it today.
Let's take a look at this,
because as you see these things,
you're gonna be able to spot 'em far off in the distance.
Now, that said, just not every one of these signs
means that someone's trying to scam you,
but it's the combination of these things together
that you want to look at.
And the strongest tool that you have is your intuition.
And we're gonna tell you where that comes in
in just a moment.
So the first thing that this gentleman did
in "The Tinder Swindler" is he demonstrates wealth.
And that's what most scammers try to do,
especially if they're trying to scam you for money.
Is they've got to try to convince you
that they're wealthy.
They've gotta have pictures of them in private jets
or in nice homes or driving nice cars
or wearing really nice clothes,
because they know if they can convince you
that they're wealthy,
then down the road, when they ask you for money,
they know that you'll believe,
"Well, they'll have no problem paying you back,
because look at all this wealth."
And that's exactly what "The Tinder Swindler" did.
Most scammers never wanna meet you.
They'll play on your emotions online,
over the phone, over text, on phone conversations.
Most of them never even wanna meet you face to face.
This dude in "The Tinder Swindler,"
this man not only met the women he dated.
He took them on private jets.
He flew the him on vacations.
He put them up in hotels.
That's why this was an extraordinary circumstance.
But what he was trying to do was demonstrate massive wealth
because, in a moment,
he was gonna ask them for massive amounts of money.
So if you're meeting somebody new,
and there's an extreme demonstration of wealth,
or they're going out of their way
to let you know how much they earn and what they do,
that could be a red flag.
This brings me to the second phase
of what scammers typically try and do,
which is the second red flag,
and that's that they will love bomb you.
They get really intense with their emotions really fast.
They'll jump to saying how much they care about you.
And the first few days, they're super present.
They're open. They listen.
They're interested in you, and they'll get vulnerable.
They'll share some vulnerable things with you
to have you open their heart,
because they know that the only way
you're gonna give them money is
if you really care about them.
So they try to love bomb you.
And it is them diving in the deep-end
of the relationship real fast.
And there's a part of you that thinks like,
"Wow, this out of the ordinary.
Most people don't do this."
But what they're preying on is that part of us
where there's a part of us
that's the hopeless romantic, right?
The part of us that wants this love story
that feels like when we finally meet the one,
we're both gonna fall in love with each other.
And so they're playing that role.
But as you stay present to yourself,
stay present to your intuition.
There's gonna be a part of your intuition that feels off.
This person is feeling really intense, really fast.
Is that possible?
Allow that to be a red flag for you
and to stay alert and aware.
Because phase three
is where they harness that intense emotion
and they move it into early commitment.
Things move really fast in the relationship.
They start talking about being exclusive with one another
just after a week or two weeks.
They start talking about moving in together.
They start talking about family and having kids
and getting married one day.
And all the dreams and hopes that you have
for what you want your your relationship life to be like,
they'll start promising those things in the future.
So if that starts happening really fast,
and you're like, "Wow, this person's getting serious,"
or, "They're asking me to move in."
Not that you're actually gonna move in.
They're just asking you to.
And then notice there's gonna be some sort of obstacle,
some sort of thing that prevents the relationship
from actually progressing.
But they're promising that relationship.
So if there's a lot of commitment early on,
that could be a red flag.
That's red flag number three.
And red flag number four is called carrot on the stick.
Carrot on a stick.
And what that means is that
they're always promising things in the future,
because all of a sudden, even though they totally love you,
even though they want to be with you,
even though they want to marry you,
their life gets really busy,
and now they're not around as much.
Now they can't talk as much.
Now they can't hang out as much.
Now there's not as much commitment
and time investment on their end,
and they leave you disappointed.
And everything is being promised later.
When I get through this phase, then we'll be together.
When we get this deal done, then we're gonna get married.
When I get through this whole thing,
then I'll be able to move with you.
And there's all these promises.
And so you start hanging onto this hope.
And it's really easy to get wrapped up
into the drama of this, and it's kinda like a fog.
And if you take a moment to let the fog settle
and get clear, and you ask yourself,
"Wow, in the last 30 days, have I been disappointed more,
or have I been happy more with this person?"
'Cause often they'll text you all the time.
They'll talk to you all the time.
But how much time have you actually spent with them?
And that's exactly what "The Tinder Swindler" did.
Is he showed them great wealth.
He even invoked reciprocity
where he showers them with gifts, puts them up in hotels,
does all these things for them.
So now they're feeling that trigger of reciprocity like,
"Well, if he's giving me this, then I can lean in more."
He showered them with emotion
and then showered them with commitment,
saying, "I wanna marry you.
I wanna be together. You're my girlfriend.
We're gonna build this big, beautiful life together."
So those women began to imagine
what life with this guy would be like.
He was emotionally open and available.
But then all of a sudden, he wasn't around.
He would call them and text them,
but he was never physically there,
'cause he's out scamming other people and doing his thing.
But he was always promising,
"Hey, when we get this big deal done,
then I'll move you together with me."
Or, "When we get this thing,
then we're gonna get married together."
So these women were living in this hope for the future.
So notice that red flag number four
is if there's a carrot on a stick,
and over the last 30 days, you've been like,
"You know what, I've been way more unhappy
than I've been happy,"
then that is definitely a red flag.
So now "The Tinder Swindler,"
he had his game dialed in so well,
he was actually playing the long con.
So he would ask for 1,000 bucks, 2,000 bucks
but then he would pay them back.
And not just pay them back the money they loaned him,
but pay them back double.
And so giving them reason that there's no reason to believe
that he won't pay them back later
when he asks for a whole lot more money.
This moves us into phase number six.
Phase number six is drama and where they raise the stakes.
Now you care about them.
Now there's been trust built.
There's been so much trust, you've loaned the money,
and then they've actually followed through
on their agreement
and paid you back and paid you back double,
more reciprocity.
So now there's this feeling you're in a bit of debt to them
and this is where "The Tinder Swindler" would call up.
And there'd be some major drama that happened.
And this person would have enemies that was after his life.
The greater the stakes,
the greater the chance
that he knows that you're gonna come to his rescue.
And so in "The Tinder Swindler's" example,
he had enemies that were after him.
They were gonna kill him if they knew where he was.
So he couldn't use any of his credit cards.
He couldn't use any of his finances.
And he needed her to open up
an American Express account in her name
and send it to him for him to use.
But he's gonna pay her back everything that he owes her.
And this is the tipping point.
He would even have women pull out loans,
20, 30, $50,000 loans just to get deals done
because he couldn't use his bank accounts.
They were frozen.
Couldn't use his credit cards.
And he was tying that favor
to the future promise of being married.
"Hey, we're partners.
We're gonna be married one day.
We need to be operating.
You're gonna be a part owner in this business.
We need to operate as business partners."
And so the women were like, "Yeah, okay."
And they leaned in, and they overextended themselves.
Now, when you think about it,
this is actually really common for toxic relationships.
Because toxic people love to use drama
for excuses for bad behavior.
Maybe you've been on a date,
and it can't just be that someone's late.
It was there was this huge accident on the freeway,
and they were so scared and all this stuff.
And they tried to make you feel bad for them
so that you will give them a pass on the bad behavior.
Or they said they were gonna follow through,
and they didn't follow through.
And, "Oh my gosh, I lost my phone and I was so scared,
and I couldn't get through, and I needed to do this,"
or, "I'm gonna get fired from my job
if I didn't get this done.
And that's why I didn't follow through on my promise."
There's always some sort of drama.
So if you notice,
a pattern of drama to cover up excuses,
if there's always this pattern,
then that is a major red flag.
And you want to remove yourself from that relationship
as quickly as possible.
And all of this builds up
to this common theme that they're the victim
and they need you to save them.
They need your help.
And if you won't help them,
then they apply a guilt trip on you.
"What do you mean? I love you.
We're in this together.
We're gonna be married someday."
And they use all that leverage
that they've built in the beginning of the relationship,
pouring love and affection on you,
giving you gifts, pouring time into you,
to then later try to cash it in
through guilt and through manipulation.
So if you feel that you're being guilted,
if you feel that you're being manipulated,
if they're asking you for money,
if they've done any of these red flags,
it's a moment for you to say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."
And put the breaks on this relationship.
Take a step back and reflect
and look at the entire story.
So often when we're in a relationship,
we just look at the facts
that are presenting us in that moment,
and there's drama, and there's urgency,
and it has to get done now?
Those are red flags.
You will know as you start to see these things a mile off
Someone starts to love bomb you.
Someone wants to commit way early,
and you're like, "Well, let's slow things down,"
and you slow it down and you take a pace.
And then all of a sudden, they disappear.
Because they know they can't get to you
if they can't cause you to jump
into the relationship super fast
and fall in love super fast and over-commit super fast.
They're like,
"Oh, this person's got a good head on their shoulders.
I can't scam them."
And so you're able to see these things way far off.
You're able to maintain your pace.
You're able to maintain your center.
You're able to maintain your groundedness
and scare off the ones
and avoid the ones who are not right for you
so that you can stay open to the men who are right for you.
Because here's what I would hate to happen
by this movie "The Tinder Swindler" being out there,
or for you to hear horror stories
of people getting scammed online,
is for you to say, "You know what?
I'm not gonna put my myself out there
because I might get scammed."
That's the same as saying, "I'm not gonna drive.
I'm gonna stay at home my entire life
'cause I might get into a car accident."
Well, you're not gonna surrender yourself
and be controlled by outside influence.
There might be something bad that happens.
You're gonna claim the freedom to say, "No, I'm capable.
I'm enough.
I know how to keep myself safe and protected
to live the life that I wanna live with freedom."
And I was so inspired by the woman
at the end of this documentary,
one of the women who were scammed,
because she got back on Tinder.
And the documentary filmmaker was like,
"You're getting back on Tinder?"
And she was like, "Yeah, this wasn't Tinder's fault.
This was this jerk's fault.
And I'm not gonna let him rob me of creating the love story
that I ultimately want for myself."
And she's keeping moving forward.
And I love that attitude.
Now my question for you is, what signs have you seen
that show the person that you're interacting with
is a scammer?
What have you experienced?
Go ahead and put that in the comments section below,
because what happens is as we share these experiences,
it empowers all of us, it expands our awareness,
so that everyone can see those scammers coming a mile away,
and they can steer clear.
So they can date with the freedom
that they want to date with, and ultimately fall in love.
So go ahead and share those now.
I appreciate you.
I hope this video serves you, and I'll see you soon.
(cheerful music)
♪ Yeah ♪