Ah, how do you deal with a lazy teenager? It comes up, doesn't? -It does. -We're
taking that on today. Teenagers get this rap all the time. Actually, I think
they're pretty creative and efficient. -In getting what they want. -Expend more energy
than they have to, right? I mean maybe we're just jealous of our teens. -That
they say in the now. -They get to live this life of leisure and luxury without
too much output. -So, what are we going to do with this teenager that is kind of
viewed as lazy? But maybe just be normal. -And that's probably the first step.
So, acknowledge that this is probably part of a developmental stage that
they're going through it's pretty typical pretty normal.
You've got a great teenager. Now, I'll just desert that because I know that
you've got issues and they're issues going on in your home or with your teen.
It could always be worse, right? That's important to acknowledge because it puts
you in a different frame of mind. And then you can approach your teenager much
differently. -So, one of the first things you're going to want to do in dealing with
your teenager is remember that there are some things you control and some things
you don't. And most conflict between parents and a teenager come because
you're worried about the things in their life you can't control and they're
worried about the things in your life that they can't control. And so there's
kind of a conflict. Meaning, maybe I'm irritated by the messy bedroom day after
day. It's just so lazy, won't pick up. You know, I'm irritated by the messy bedroom.
Whereas the teenager might be irritated by the fact that you control the car
keys and don't let them go anywhere. -Mmm. -You know. So.. -Can't get permission. -So that
they're upset about the permission which you control versus... Yeah. So, just get
really clear about what you control. -That will save your sanity.
If you're trying to control something that you don't, it will frustrate you and
annoy them. -And you know, here's one of the things that you'll see a lot with
teenagers is the eye roll. You don't control whether their eyes
roll in their heads or not. And so just get really clear about what you
do control and what you don't control. -Now, Vicki you having established that
thinking about control. Which is important to keep in your mind somewhere.
Let's also review very quickly the 3 stages of moral development. Remember
stage one is selfish and self-centered. It's manipulative, it's demanding.
Stage 2 is cooperative and compliant, stage 3, is all about initiative and
being responsible. So, you can see if you put those 3 stages up next to each
other, you're going to deal with your teenager depending on what stage they're
in. It's about stage not age. -And that's so tricky because we think, they're a
teenager. They're going to be stage 3 of course or at very least stage 2 at all
times. -That has to do with your expectations. So, check in with your
expectation. If you expect them to be on stage 3. And they're over here on
stage 1, you're going to feel some frustration. Maybe anger and resentment.
-So, one of the things you want to do when dealing with your teenager is actually
we call it a top-down approach. -Yes. -So be aware of those stages and always start
at the top. See if they're ready to meet you on a stage 3 level. And if
they're not, then you very calmly move to stage 2. And if they're not ready at
that point, you go ahead and go down to stage one. Now, that's kind of a tricky
thing. You want to... We've read a book so many years ago called the knight in
rusty armor, as thought it was. One of my favorite statements from that is
"When you learn to accept rather than expect, you'll have a lot less
frustration" or something like that. -Those words are so similar. They expect versus
accept. And as we accept their stage, then we approach them at an appropriate
level for their stage. So, Vicki. When you said the top-down approach, you want to
start as high as you can and goes Low as you have to. -Yeah. Right. So, you're
not going to go up to this child and say... Just assuming they're at stage 1 and
start coming in with all these consequences and and penalties and
things like that. -Right. You'll invite them to meet you at a higher stage. And
this has to do with communication first. I love to ask the question "Will you
cooperate with me on this?" -You immediately know if they're at least in
stage 2 if they say yes. -Right, if they've completely refused and they're defiant
and oppositional about the whole thing, then you know they're on stage one. And
the good news is, you don't need their input at stage one. If they will
cooperate with you then you're going to go to stage 2 and you're goingto use a
whole different kind of consequence than you would. So, in dealing with a lazy
teenager, first discern which stage they're on. Is it 1, 2 or 3? And if you
need a review of that, go to the video about teaching kids responsibility where
we give a good overview of those 3 stages. Or if you're already enrolled in
the Parenting Power-Up program, we go into it in detail there. You can connect to
that at parentingpowerup.com. And then you'll have good resources to refer back
to. That's what we're talking about with those stages. Vicki, you knew I was gonna
go here. Positivity. I am such an advocate of positivity. Not in the trite fluffy
way that motivational speakers talk about. "Just stay positive" I'm talking
about choosing on purpose to take a positive approach. This has to do with
your language. It has to do with what you're communicating to your child about
respect and that you actually enjoy them. It's really... -I just think it's really
important to be aware of how much you do enjoy the child. And if you can't go
there, that's probably a place for you to start working on a few things
with things you can enjoy about your child. So, that you can fall back on that
and remember that in the moments of challenge. -I tell you what? If a teenager
feels that you like and enjoy them, they will respond to you very
differently than if they think you are disappointed in them or you think
they're never good enough. -Yeah. -Or that they need to do something differently.
Now we could all do something differently. -Right. -There's
always room for improvement. What we're talking about here is taking an
intentional position that you like and enjoy your teenager. You communicate that
and you convey that to them in interacting with them. You're going to have
a whole lot more influence that way. Now, Vicki, let's tie this back into the topic,
okay? What do you do with your lazy teenager? -Okay. -Consequences... -Why... Can I...
Could just say that, usually you're thinking they're lazy because they're
not doing something you expect them to do? -Yeah. -I can get away without it, right?
-So, that brings up our next concept of I'm fluffing the nest. So, what does it mean?
-Well, right. Was it an article or something we were reading about birds
that when these little fledgling birds are getting big enough to start leaving
the nest but it's nice and comfortable in there. Sometimes the momma bird will
start plucking the fluff out of the nest and tossing it out, right? So, now it's
twigs and prickly stuff so that it's not as comfortable to stay there. What might
that mean with your teenager? -Yeah. So, kind of think about what is it that
you're perceiving is laziness. And if there's some action you want them to the
child to take, the teenager to take, you might see, "Well, do they really even need
to are they getting all their needs met without doing XYZ?" So, just kind of start
on fluffing the nest. -I just thought of an example for one of my clients who was
frustrated that their teenage son was simply in his room for hours on end.
Maybe 6, 7, 8 hours a day playing video games online. So, that's
pretty comfortable, right? For a 17, 18 year-old kid to be you know, in this
comfortable room. -Not being bothered by anybody. -Internet access in the computer. And so,
unfluffing for this particular parent meant turning off the internet access
during certain hours. -Mm-hmm. So, there.
-Okay, disclaimer. Teens don't particularly like it when
you set limits with them. When you starting unfluffing the nest. -Remember, they're trying to gain
autonomy. And so they want to be in control of their life. And they see that
you still have some controls... -Over things that matter to them. -Mm-hmm, yeah. -Right? So,
they're going to give you a very strong push back yeah from time to time. And
sometimes, it will be noisy and sometimes it will be disrespectful and sometimes
it will be demanding that "You can't take that internet away from me?" -Yeah. -Well can
you or can't you? See, you don't need to argue with them if you've got control
over that. -Mm-hmm. So, whatever consequence that
you have set up, remember you need to be able to control that consequence 100%.
Stay firm with it. And in doing so, expect the storm. Then you're not thrown off or
surprised when it comes. -A little word about storms, okay? We just visited
northern Florida not too long ago. I think it's some crazy storms down there. All
you folks in northern Florida, Wow! we understand now even though it wasn't
a hurricane, pretty heavy storms that can happen. When you see a storm coming, what
do you do? Get batten down the hatches, right? -Right. -You don't stand there, "Go
away storm." You don't shake your fist up to heaven, right? "Don't start with
me?" So, expect the storm. Batten down the hatches a little bit. Prepare yourself to
weather the storm because it's probably going to happen. As you stay calm and
positive, the storm will pass eventually. Storms always do, right? That storm
is going to pass. And then after the storm, you can have whatever appropriate
processing that you need to with your teenager. Great point Vicki. Expect the
storm, prepare for it and weather the storm. -We hope you found some of these
tips very helpful. If you're looking for more tips in your parenting, go to
parentingpowerup.com. We've collaborated to come up with
some great content for you to help you feel more empowered as a parent. -We'll
help you do your job. We've got your backs.