- Okay. All right.
She'll raise...
whatever that is. I don't know what it is,
but get ready to lose your shirt
and your stuff and your vest.
Oh, hi. Hello.
We were just doing a meeting--a work meeting.
So, off, go. Scram.
I love your pants, by the way.
Today--it's just that easy.
Today, we're gonna do something a little bit different.
I'm gonna sit here. You're gonna sit wherever you are,
and we're going to look back at all the funny ladies
that I've had on my show this past season,
besides me, you guys.
Anyway, one of the funniest women I talked to
this year was Amy Schumer.
Actually, I barely had to talk,
she just talked and I sat back and I laughed
and laughed and laughed and laughed
and I let her talk.
- Hi. - Hi.
- How's the poster doing that we gave you?
- Well, I realized when I got home
that it was a hostile, hostile gift.
- What? - Yes.
- You love the Hemsworth brothers.
- I love the Hemsworth brothers,
and I got the opportunity to meet them
at the Vanity Fair party last year,
but my sister took a horribly blurred photo
and so I've never forgiven her.
- Um, we're no longer in touch. - No.
- No, I'm just kidding.
But then, so you got me that portrait.
I live in Manhattan,
so my apartment is the size of this chair.
So it takes up my whole apartment.
- Oh, no. - Yeah.
And people think I'm-- like, have a really weird pro--
like, they think I stalk them,
and they're just, like, concerned for me,
so that was a rude gift,
and you could have just gotten me, like, a plant.
- I am so sorry.
Well, I will give you a plant while you're here instead.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Why don't you-- no, no.
- No, that's mine. No. - Oh. Okay.
- You just can't take whatever you want.
- Oh, okay. - No.
- Why don't you move here, and then you'd have a bigger place?
Do you like it here?
- But--[sighs] I mean,
I don't fit in here--just, like, straight up body type.
Like, in L.A., my arms register as legs.
They're just like-- [laughter]
[laughter]
They're like, "Why is that octopus on Sunset?"
"Is that--" [laughter]
It's not-- it's not for me out here.
- No? - It's not, no.
But I--you know.
- What do you do when you're here?
- I cry. I just sit in my room...
[laughter] Bawling.
No, I--
Well, last time I was here, right from the show,
I got courtside tickets to a Laker game.
- That's fun. - Yeah, 'cause my--
my business agent thought I was mad at him
for sexually harassing me.
- Well-- - But no, I'm 33,
so I'm just starting to really appreciate that,
- you know what I mean? - I see, I see.
- Well, it's true. I can't speak for everyone.
I'm not like "Sexually harass--"
but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around--
like you'll walk past a construction site,
and be kind of like, "Oh, don't look--"
But then, in your 30s, you know, I'm just like,
"What about this?" [laughter]
"Like, how about--" [laughter]
It's like my skirt's over my head.
I'm like, "Aah." [laughter]
They're like, "We're eating."
But, uh-- [laughter]
[laughter]
It changes, it really does.
It changes, so-- So I got courtside seats,
which--you've sat courtside at a game, right?
- I have, yeah. - I thought--I went--
I thought it would be free booze.
Um... [laughter]
It's not, it's not. [laughter]
I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze.
So... - [laughs]
- I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron.
You know, the actress. She was on "Glee."
She played the cheerleader, Quinn?
I mean, that lets you know how hot she is.
Yeah--oh, there we go. There's the picture.
Thanks for--yes. Isn't that great?
[laughter] She's like--
the most gorgeous girl ever.
Her name was "Quinn" on that show.
- To pull off that name? - Yeah.
- Like if my name were "Quinn" on a show,
they'd be like, "Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper, that--"
[laughter]
"Does a jig time and again," you know.
But so she's there. Is she not like an angel?
So--and the whole night, she's like,
She's like this...
'cause she knows people are taking pictures of her.
I obviously don't.
[laughter]
I learned a lot. I learned that my resting face,
is just a scowl, it's just-- [laughter]
[laughter]
And I learned--and you can see--
that I have what I'm now calling an "at-risk chin."
[laughter]
This is not a good section!
[laughter] If I--if I don't,
like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself, just--
[laughter]
I become the dinosaur in the jeep in "Jurassic Park,"
just "Fff!"
[laughter]
So I'm like--no idea people are taking pictures.
I'm pounding red wine, and I--
I thought it was free-- and I--
[laughter]
I get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know?
Like, just first sniff of merlot,
just "True Blood" mouth.
I look like I've been feeding, and I'm eating popcorn,
the way I think we all eat popcorn, which is--
you know, at first, don't you always kind of start out
kind of like lying to yourself?
Like, "I don't know, I'll have a little."
Ehm. [laughter]
Like one piece at a time, you know?
And then--and then, like, you get a little more real.
Right? [laughter]
and then eventually, you just--you get "real" real.
And just "gah!"
[laughter]
Like, I've split my lip trying to get one more kernel--
[laughter]
It's true. In my dumb mouth.
It is true.
- [laughing hard]
- And so that's what happened. If you Google me, it'll be--
And I--I look like her, actually.
I look like her if she were stung by a million bees.
[laughter]
It's true!
I look like her if she were, like, becoming the Hulk.
That's-- [laughter]
And she--you know, she wanted to be friends,
and I'm like, "I can't. I can't.
We don't have-- we're not the same thing."
Like she was telling me hot people problems, you know.
She's like, "He won't stop calling."
And I'm like, "[whine], I hate that."
[laughter]
Do you eat popcorn like that, though?
- Are you a popcorn lover? - Yeah, I do.
And I eat it exactly like that. - Right?
- Yes. - I mean, that's why--
I'm so annoyed-- I'm single again,
so I'm going to have to start dating some guy,
and we'll go to the movies and he'll be like,
"Do you want to get popcorn?" and I have to be like,
"Oh, I hadn't even thought about it."
[laughter]
He's like, "What size?" and I'm like,
"[giggles] A small. Look at me."
[laughter]
Right, like a small popcorn? That's like taking one Advil.
Like, "get outta here."
[laughter]
"Get--I want a trough.
And I want to dunk my head in it."
And--and then, you know.
I'll be pretending not to think about the popcorn.
- Hilarious. So when you say
you're gonna start dating again, that means that you're--
are you dating at all?
- No, I, um--
Well, I know everyone here is like, "How do we date you?"
Thank you.
[laughter]
You can't, and not just 'cause I'm not totally out of the woods
with this UTI I have right now, but also--
[laughter]
but also-- Thank you.
[laughter and applause] Oh, my God.
[laughter and applause]
No, but I'm not on any dating websites.
I don't--I'm on--I have one, like, app on my phone
that's kind of-- it's called "Foodspotting."
[laughter]
And it's like Tinder, but for food, so, it lets me know--
- Is this real? - This is totally real.
It lets--they let you know about food in your area.
So, like, this week in L.A., I was eyeing this one particular
scone.
And uh-- [laughter]
Under a mile away.
Coincidence? Probably not.
[laughter]
So, I'm like, "Should I go?" And my friends are like, "Go!
Like, check it out!"
So I went to the scone, and I kind of just sidled up to it,
and I was like, "Oh, my God, you look just like your picture."
[laughter]
So I'm kind of dating. Kind of dating.
- It's different than that. You should--
[laughs]
Oh, my God. - It's pretty much
the same exact thing. - Hilarious.
It's almost exactly the same. - Yeah.
- So, you're hosting the awards.
Now, is this something that you think about?
Do you get nervous about? Have you hosted an awards show?
- No, the only thing I've hosted so far is HPV, so...
[laughter] I feel--
[laughter]
No, it's not detectable in my system.
I just went back to annual Paps, but--
[laughter]
I'm really excited. No, I didn't--
- It's so weird that you're not dating.
I don't know why. - I know.
Where is it? - What's wrong?
- Why?
I didn't even know I was up for the job.
And I got to do a show at Carnegie Hall.
You know, a dream for a comic.
- Yep. - And I'm from New York,
so I--and that night, I was just so excited.
All my high school friends were there.
And then, my publicist, Carrie Byalick...Bialick,
something like that. [laughter]
She's like my best friend, and I'm just, like, nervous.
But she--she was like, "You got it!"
And I was just like, "What?" And it was--
She's like, "You're hosting."
And my high school friends went crazy.
Now they finally think I've made it.
They're just like, "MTV!"
I'm like, "How old-- we're in our 30s, relax."
But-- [laughter]
Yeah, I don't know. My friends actually--
There's an article--I was on the cover of "Entertainment Weekly,"
which I'm so proud of. - I know, look at this!
I mean, look at the cover of-- - Yay!
[cheers and applause] Me!
I was so excited about that.
- Yeah, mini-- little alcohol bottles.
- Those are actually full size, but I am a giant.
- Oh, I see. [laughter]
[laughter]
- I'm on "Game of Thrones." You like me?
But one of my best friends, Chelsea Peretti,
she had a quote--they asked questions about me,
and she said, "Amy doesn't care what anyone thinks of her
to a clinical degree."
And I was like, "Kind of an insult,"
but she's right.
So I'm just--I just want to have a really good time,
and I want everybody to laugh.
- That's how everyone should live,
is to not worry about what anybody thinks.
That's the best way to be full of yourself.
- Yeah. - So this movie,
you are starring in it, you wrote it.
Judd Apatow is directing and producing, right?
- I also did craft service on it.
I, um... [laughter]
I drove the trailers. Uh, yes, Judd directed it.
- But you wrote it. I mean, that--
So it is called--
- "Trainwreck." - "Trainwreck."
- Now, is it about me?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Yes, it is. Of course, it's about me.
Yeah, "Trainwreck."
It's a story about a girl,
who's, you know, in her 30s,
and, like, her behavior isn't really cute anymore,
all the drinking and spreading herself a little too thin.
And-- [laughter]
Whoa, judgmental.
And, uh-- [laughter]
Guys.
I'm fine. And then--
And, you know, she falls in love, and--
- And when is this coming out?
- It's actually not. They decided not to release it.
[laughter]
July 17th. - July 17th.
- Can I stay with you till then?
Because I haven't gotten my first check for the movie.
Is that cool, or--
- Plenty of room. - Okay, cool, thank you!
- Yeah. We would love to have you.
That'd be great. Bring your Hemsworth brothers--
- I do--I travel with that. Yes.
- You do have it with you.
And your show is coming back on Comedy Central
for the third season. - Yes!
- Starting up again, congratulations.
- Thank you. [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause] This season, I'm so proud.
- Yeah? - Yes, April 21st.
Yeah, please watch it. Don't just clap and then
like, not watch it, okay?
[laughter] Be cool.
Be real.
- Oh, my God.
You make me laugh so-- you're hilarious.