- Now I have never seen a man get hit by a truck before,
so I don't know if they always hit the concrete
and then Bruce Lee back up immediately ready to fight,
but that is what he did.
It was like, boom, boom,
let's fucking do it!
(techno music)
(growling)
- Welcome to This Is Not Happening, everybody.
(crowd cheering)
Thank you!
So, here's the show.
Just a bunch of funny people
and we're all telling true stories.
Please, give it up for Mr. Cy Amundson, everybody.
Let him hear it!
Cy Amundson.
(crowd cheering)
- I used to be terrified of flying.
Terrified.
And a number of years ago, my parents were going to adopt
three teenage girls from Texas.
And before we adopted them, the whole family
had to go down to Texas to meet them, to prove
that we were an okay family to be in charge of children.
And I, I thought if I flew, I would die, obviously.
So instead, from Minneapolis, Minnesota
to Dallas, Texas, I rode a Greyhound bus.
And after you ride a Greyhound, you realize dying...
Not that bad.
(crowd laughs)
Use a pillow, you can stretch your legs out,
you don't have to worry about somebody
trying to finger you in your sleep.
(crowd laughs)
Comparatively, it's pretty nice.
So, I dressed the part, I wore hospital scrubs,
a Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt that could not have
been intended for a man.
And a camouflage vest.
I loaded the bus and I found a seat.
I was one of the first guys on the bus,
and I found my seat.
Right here are three, Mexican, young Hispanic
Mexican type-y folk.
Somewhere in that region.
Behind me is a man, a grown man, with a stutter.
Now I only know he has a stutter because every town
we came into on the entire trip,
he had to announce it out loud.
(stuttering)
Topeka!
(crowd laughs)
Now I'm not gonna make fun of somebody with a stutter
he can't help that.
I just don't understand why the fuck he's boasting
about it right now.
You don't see people without arms like,
Hey come watch me swim laps at the pool (screams).
And then to Stutters is an old Nigerian man.
So we're cruising along, and I'm trying to sleep,
and I can't 'cause Stutters is announcing
every town and village we come into.
We pull into a McDonald's slash gas station parking lot
in Oklahoma City at 2 o'clock in the morning.
The bus parks, everyone gets off to smoke cigs.
If you ride the bus, you puff cigs.
You a kid, on the bus?
Puff cigs.
Everybody.
The only three people who stay on the bus are me,
Stutters, and the Nigerian.
Literally, everybody else gets off to smoke cigs.
They get out and they're right in front of the bus
right here, in their group smoking.
And because it's the South, at 2 o'clock in the morning,
on the other side of the parking lot is a group of
Good Old Boys, and their significant others,
and their pickup trucks.
Correct.
(crowd laughs)
Within a matter of moments, that devolved into
the Good Old Boys and the bus people shouting
at each other across the parking lot
like some long distance episode of Maury Povich.
Like, fuck you!
No, fuck you!
(screeching)
Just fucking, cackling, white trash madness
at one another, right?
So they're going back and forth,
and then the Good Old Boys hop in their pickup trucks,
they start hopping in their pickup trucks,
driving as fast as they can at the group of bus people
and then at the last second (car noise) they peel away
and circle to do it again.
They are playing Human Chicken with the bus people.
(crowd laughs)
I'm sitting watching it unfold,
and then I see a truck coming
and I remember thinking,
oh, well that one's coming way too fast.
And it was.
And at the last minute when it tried to peel away
it hit one of the bus dudes.
The moment it hit the bus dude, the old Nigerian behind me
goes, kaboom mother fuckers!
(crowd laughs)
He's the only hero in this story.
(crowd laughs)
He is the only champion in this tale, okay?
Now I had never seen a man get hit by a truck before
so I don't know if they always hit the concrete
and then Bruce Lee back up immediately ready to fight.
But that is what he did.
It was like, boom, boom,
let's fucking do it!
The two sides rush each other like a WWE event
to the middle of the parking lot.
Now, if you've never seen bus people
fight parking lot people.
It's a lot like the Civil War.
If the South would've fought itself.
(crowd laughs)
The moment it starts getting ugly, I had this thing in me.
My dad, he taught me to be a peacekeeper.
So I'm thinking, I have to do something,
and I stood up to go help, but I shouldn't
have had that thought.
I shouldn't have gone to do this,
this here is natural selection at its best.
Okay, Darwin could write a book about what's
gonna happen in this parking lot.
People need to die, gene pools need to end.
It has to end here.
But I didn't think that way, I was like,
I gotta help,
and I got up, and to his credit, Stutters came with me
and the two of us got off the bus, and by that point
the bus driver had come out of the gas station McDonald's,
and it was the three of us in the middle of this fight
trying to separate it.
It actually went really well.
It separated really easily.
Everybody was pretty calm.
When the guy, the truck, who did the hitting of the man
came pulling back up.
In the truck was the man who
committed the attempted vehicular homicide.
(crowd laughs)
Next to him was his cartoonishly obese wife.
And in the back, well not really in the back,
just more darting around the cab
was a nine-year-old boy just like
Mountain Dew! Mountain Dew! Mountain Dew! Mountain Dew!
'Cause fuck seat belts and safety, right?
It's two o'clock in Oklahoma, he's not fucking
going to college, right?
We might as well get a jump start on his organs
is what I'm saying.
(woman groans)
Yeah, welcome to the show.
(crowd laughs)
So, that truck doesn't even stop rolling
when that obese woman flings the door open
and starts storming at the group of people
accusing the man who got hit by the truck
of faking it.
You're a fucking faker!
Fuck you you fucking faker!
You took a goddamn dive, you're a fucking faker!
She's roaring up the fight.
To his credit, the man pulled the truck
the rest up of the way up to the fight
and got out way calmer.
He was like, yeah, I did that.
And then his boy got out, and because he's
a wonderful father, he took his son
he put him up on the hood of the truck
so he could watch over the fight.
Like it was some scene from Hillbilly Lion King.
One day son, this could all be yours.
♪ Ha svenya! Skitty ski, red bull!
♪ Who Toby Keith, tattoos
(crowd laughs)
The dad steps in front of the truck to the fight,
by this point everything has calmed back down again.
Either because the woman is no longer angry,
or b, she is winded from the 11-step walk
from where she exited the truck to the fight itself.
Doesn't matter why, she's no longer angry.
Everything seems fine.
When one of the bus people did the funniest thing
you could ever do in that scenario.
They threw a Diet Coke at the fat woman.
(crowd laughs)
Now, I'm trying to keep peace and I know
that's a fucking boss move right there.
That's a winner's play.
He throws a Diet Coke.
It hits the fat woman in the neck-ish, chest-ish,
boob, you can't tell what it is,
but in this region.
It explodes, she reacts like it's Holy Water.
(screams)
So fucking funny!
Oh my God, it was so fucking funny.
Her husband did not feel the same way
about the humor that I did.
He lost his damn mind.
He started Tasmanian deviling his arms.
Trying to murder someone.
And I'm right in front of him.
I'm not trying to punch him, I'm not trying to hurt him,
I'm literally just trying to stop a homicide.
I just have my hands on his chest, that's all I'm doing.
This is it.
I don't know if his son thought that I was trying
to hurt his dad, but that nine-year-old boy
shouted the words Hulk Hogan.
Which isn't even a fucking relevant wrestler at this time,
leapt off the hood of the truck,
and flying punched me in the face.
(crowd laughing)
Now, I don't know if you've ever had to opportunity
to be in an Oklahoma City McDonald's slash gas station
parking lot at 2 o'clock in the morning
with 60 of the grossest people on the earth,
just fucking Crocs, and socks, and jean shorts
they cut themselves, and sleeveless racing t-shirts,
and fucking Tweety Bird tattoos.
(crowd laughs)
And been able to be the worst out of those people.
But I've lived that, 'cause I had a real moment
where I was like, I am gonna fuck this
nine-year-old up!
(crowd laughs)
And I stepped to him.
I stepped to a nine-year-old child.
I did the what!
The I'm-gonna-crush-your-face-child.
That move.
Literally 60 of the worst people on earth
all at the same time were like, no!
Fight's over!
That is the exact moment the police car
pulls into the parking lot.
They see 60 disgusting adults going, no!
A child and a grown man in a Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt
welded back ready to melt his nose.
Now, the good news is I didn't get in
any legal trouble for the incident.
They believed me, I told my side of the story,
there were other witnesses.
I was exonerated in the process.
The bad news is I had to miss the bus.
They left without it.
Anybody who was involved in the fight had to stay behind
and do statements.
We missed the bus so I missed my bus, I have to sleep
in the Oklahoma City bus station.
And take a different bus in the morning, because fast fact,
the longest you can be banned for a Greyhound bus
is until the bus shows up.
(crowd laughs)
So I'm getting on the bus in the morning,
it's been a long night, and it hit me I was like,
oh shit, I have to call my dad.
I'm not gonna be there when he thinks I'm gonna be there.
So I call my dad and he answered in an incredible mood
'cause why wouldn't he?
This is one of the monumental weekends in his entire life.
He goes, hey bud, how's it going?
I was like, dad, hey just real quick, I am not
gonna be there this morning.
There was an incident last night.
I threatened to punch a child.
I didn't punch a child, he punched me first actually.
There's a fat woman and Diet Coke,
and I was actually trying to keep peace.
I wanted to fucking punch the child, but I didn't.
The point is, I'm gonna be on a different bus later today.
And my dad goes, all right, well, I'm gonna take you
off speaker phone there, bud.
(crowd laughs)
My dad was at breakfast with my soon-to-be
three new sisters, two of their foster parents,
and three social workers from the state of Texas.
(crowd laughs)
So I am still a little bit scared of flying,
but I'm definitely far more scared
of all the disgusting trash in between places.
(crowd cheering) (techno music)
Thank you guys so much!