-The president called
the charges against him "impeachment lite,"
as one of his main conspiracy theories about the FBI
was officially debunked.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yesterday, the House unveiled articles of impeachment
against a president for only the fourth time in history.
Now, if you were worried about getting fired
and you were trying to prove that you were,
in fact, qualified for your job,
you might decide to try to behave
like a normal, sane person.
Instead, Trump decided to go to Pennsylvania last night
for one of his deranged rallies and do his usual routine
of slurring like a lunatic
while throwing in some of his trademark sexism.
-The president of Ukraine repeatedly declared
that there was no pressure, but he didn't want to say that.
We said, "Say it. Say it, you crooked bastard. Say it."
You'd have windmills all over the place
if you had crooked Hillary.
They'd be knocking out those birds left and right.
Those windmills, "Wah, wah, wah."
Beto. Beto. [ Rally audience booing ]
Remember?
So, he wanted to get rid of religion, the bible.
Crazy Elizabeth Warren -- I give her credit.
I thought she was left for.
I mean, there were, like, just little embers,
and then she rose.
She rose and she became strong.
But then she opened that fresh mouth of hers, and it stopped.
-"She opened her fresh mouth"?
You sound like the headmaster
of a private school called St. Misogynist Academy.
Elizabeth Warren has detailed plans
for things people actually care about
like corruption and equality and climate change.
Your energy plan is that windmills sound like "wah, wah.
Wah."
Trump's obviously rattled by the fact that he's about to become
the third president ever in history to be impeached.
No matter what happens next,
Trump's name will be emblazoned in history
as one of only three presidents to be impeached,
and that will follow him forever.
They're gonna have to put an asterisk
next to Trump's name on his building
with a footnote below it that says "impeached."
Now... [ Cheers and applause ]
...House Democrats decided to exercise restraint
and file only two articles of impeachment against Trump
despite the fact that they could've filed many more.
I mean, this guy obstructed justice, solicited a bribe,
and was literally identified as Individual One
in a court filing involving an illegal scheme
to pay hush money to cover up an affair,
and we know Individual One was Trump
because the document also said, "Individual One began
an ultimately successful campaign
for president of the United States."
That was in a court filing.
I mean, think about how crazy that is.
That's never happened before.
It's not like Abraham Lincoln was ever named in an indictment
as Honest Man in Very Large Hat Number One.
And yet Trump yesterday actually taunted Democrats
for not filing even more charges against him
by mocking how limited the articles of impeachment were.
-You saw their so called articles of impeachment today.
People are saying, "They're not even a crime. What happened?
All of these horrible things. Remember?
Bribery, and this and that. Where are they?"
They send these two things. They're not even a crime.
This is the lightest, weakest impeachment.
You know, our country's had actually many impeachments.
You call judges and lots of other -- many impeachments.
But it was on today.
Everybody says, "This is impeachment lite."
This is the lightest impeachment
in the history of our country by far.
-You're either impeached or your not.
There's no light version.
Trump's like a drunk guy at a bar on his sixth beer going,
"It's impeachment lite.
Now give me my keys!"
Trump needs -- he desperately needs
these group therapy sessions with his fawning admirers
so he could lie to himself and soothe his ego.
For example, he also made this ludicrous statement about
how the world has reacted to his presidency.
-This country is so respected,
and we were not respected four years ago.
We were laughed at.
-Dude, it was literally last week
that a bunch of world leaders were caught laughing at you
in a group chat during the NATO summit,
including your buddy Boris Johnson.
And if you're getting laughed at by this guy,
you know you are an idiot.
Boris Johnson would be the world's Donald Trump
if there wasn't already an actual Donald Trump.
Boris Johnson must be so happy Donald Trump exists.
It's like in middle school
when the chess nerd finds out the school has a LARPing nerd.
He's like, "I'm off the hook!"
In fact, today in the UK,
Johnson dodged questions from reporters
during a campaign stop at a dairy farm
by literally hiding in a freezer.
-Mr. Johnson, we only have five minutes.
Could you talk to us?
-I'll be with you in a second. I'll be with you in a second.
-I have an ear piece here in my hand ready to go.
Right. He's been taken inside into the freezer.
-He hid in the freezer.
Although, it's hard to tell with him,
because he always looks like
he was just locked in a freezer.
I mean, if you put Trump's hair on Jack from the "Shining,"
you'd get Boris Johnson.
That is...how that looks.
So, as usual, Trump's rally was totally detached from reality.
In fact, Trump went to such lengths to soothe his ego
in the face of a historic political reckoning
that at one point, he literally gave himself credit
for saving people's marriages
with an obviously made-up story
about how happy people are about their 401(k)s.
-I have so many people that come up to me, "Thank you, sir.
My wife is so in love with me
because I went up 79% in the 401(k).
She thinks I'm a genius.
She always thought I was a total stiff --
a dumb, stupid dope.
Now she thinks I'm a financial genius, sir."
-First of all, if your spouse thought you were a dumb,
stupid dope until your 401(k) went up,
your marriage still has problems.
I do wonder where Trump got the idea
that wives only love their husbands
if they have a lot of money.
I guess we'll never know.
Now, you might recall that
since virtually the start of his presidency
Trump has harbored a deranged conspiracy theory
that there was a secret cell of treasonous deep-state saboteurs
within the government trying to take him down,
you know, like an insane person.
He's one step away from claiming
his aids are actually secret lizard people,
when we know for a fact they're obvious lizard people.
Why else would Stephen Miller's eyes blink sideways?
Trump has continued to repeat this conspiracy theory
even though it's already been debunked,
including by an Inspector General's report on Monday
and by the Inspector General himself at a hearing today.
Now, you might remember that
this whole insane conspiracy theory started
when Trump tweeted this out of nowhere
a few months into his presidency.
"Terrible. Just found out that Obama
had my wires tapped in Trump Tower
just before the victory,"
and then "How low has President Obama gone to tap my phones
during the very sacred election process?
This is Nixon Watergate -- bad or sick guy."
That was March of 2017.
Remember when we thought
that was the craziest thing a president ever said?
We were so young.
Also, I love Trump's parentheticals --
bad or sick guy.
It's like a choose-your-own adventure book
for insane people.
"If you think Obama was good, turn to page 10.
If you think he was bad, turn to page 27,
and if you think he's sick,
I'd like to offer you Secretary of Agriculture."
Trump's about to face a historic political reckoning
for a simple reason -- he abused his power,
he tried to cover it up, and he got caught.
And now his only move is to spin dark fantasies of subterfuge
and paranoia to scare his base and keep them in line.
But sometimes he even undercuts himself.
At the rally yesterday, for example,
he told his fawning admirers
that Democrats were trying to overthrow the government
simply by following the impeachment procedures
laid out in the Constitution.
But in the next breath,
he told them it wasn't that big of a deal.
-The radical left Democrats
and the failed Washington establishment
are trying to erase your votes, nullify the election,
and overthrow our Democracy.
Not gonna happen. Don't worry about it.
I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it.
-If we're not supposed to worry about it,
why are you telling us?
He's like a dad at a campfire who realizes his spooky stories
are scaring the kids, so he pulls back.
"They say these woods are haunted
by a killer in a hockey mask
who waits for little children to go to bed
so he can chop up their bodies,
but now that I think about it,
he was arrested and he's in prison, so you know, it's fine.
Just forget Daddy said that part.
Don't tell Mommy I said that part."
Turns out, of course, that the conspiracy theory was insane
and on Monday became official when the Justice Department
Inspector General released his findings.
It said that while there were serious errors
with parts of the Russia investigation,
it was both valid and justified.
The only thing Republicans have been able to hang their hat on
is the fact that two FBI agents sent text messages to each other
disparaging Trump, even though there were also
FBI employees who sent pro-Trump and anti-Hillary messages,
and yet at the hearing today, GOP Senator Lindsey Graham
selectively read the anti-Trump messages out loud
for everyone to hear.
-February 12, 2016.
"Oh, he's" -- Trump -- "abysmal."
March 3, 2016.
Page, "God, Trump is a loathsome human."
Strzok, "Oh, my God. He's an idiot."
March 16, 2016.
"I cannot believe Donald Trump
is likely to be actual serious candidate for President."
July 16th. We're getting closer to when this thing opens.
"And, wow, Donald Trump is an enormous douche."
Again, a lot of people agree with them.
-Those messages don't prove anything.
You can't go anywhere in the world
without hearing opinions about Trump.
I'm pretty sure there are people stranded on deserted islands
in the Bermuda Triangle putting rocks together that say
"Trump is a douche."
I mean, think about weak the president's position is.
He's been reduced to arguing that being impeached
isn't that bad because it's impeachment lite,
and now his key conspiracy theory
claiming the whole thing was a hoax
has been officially debunked
by the Justice Department Inspector General.
At this point, the only way things could get worse for Trump
is if the House passed a third article of impeachment
calling Trump... -"An enormous douche."
-This has been "A Closer Look."