Mr. Bobby Lee, everybody!
I used to be on a show called MADtv.
[cheers and applause]
It was kind of like SNL but for Mexicans.
12 Mexicans watched that show,
so if you're a fan, Hola, que tal?
So I was really excited getting booked on a TV show
because I'm a fat ethnic guy, right?
I didn't think that could happen,
and so maybe I'll get laid.
You know, who knows? You know?
So I show up to MADtv, and they didn't use me at all.
I'd play, like, Chinese Waiter Number Two.
They gave me one word to say, like, "Hello."
"Cut. Bobby, you're a wrap."
"Thank you so much. I'm gonna kill myself."
So over the months, I developed an eating disorder.
I couldn't stop eating Vicodin.
That shit is delicious.
And it started out with, like, five a day, right?
I eventually took 40 a day, and I'm a small dude,
and the reason why it didn't kill me,
because Asians are evolved.
We have a stronger core than all of you,
and we're smarter.
I've never met an Asian guy with Downs Syndrome,
but if I did, I bet you money he's just as smart
as the average white guy.
Instead of straight As, he gets straight Bs.
He only knows one instrument.
40 a day, and, you know, it was a disease,
and it got worse and worse.
Like, we would have table reads at 9:00 in the morning,
right, on Fox,
and I'd be in a strip club in Tijuana,
like, onstage dancing like--
"[bleep] yeah."
And so after about two years of this,
they--like, it drove them crazy, right,
so they gave me an intervention, right, which they're nice.
They're nice, good people, right?
So I sat in an office.
They say, "You're doing too many drugs,
"and we want you to stop,
"and we'll give you one more shot.
"And we wrote you a Connie Chung sketch.
Can you do it?" I go, "[bleep] yeah.
I'm gonna [bleep] do it."
So that was on a Wednesday.
On a Thursday, a comedian by the name of Duncan Trussell--
he's very talented-- came to my house.
Yeah, he's very talented.
He took all my Vicodin and just ran away.
What an ass[bleep].
And so all was fine for about five minutes,
but then all of a sudden, I got the shakes for 12 hours.
So on Friday, I show up, and I'm shaking,
but in front of the producers, I'm fine.
My face--completely fine, because I'm a good actor.
Would you not agree? Yeah.
So I'm in makeup, right? And I'm sitting in makeup.
And I'm sweating so bad the Connie Chung makeup
is dripping off my face.
So I'm sitting there, and all of a sudden,
I hear a noise in my stomach.
It went like this.
[slurping noise]
And then I told the makeup-- "No, I just ate a banana.
I'm really hungry, you know?"
But it was really the Vicodin, the detox, right?
So I show up onstage. There's 400 people.
I'm sitting there with the Connie Chung.
Now, I have three pages of dialogue
I was supposed to memorize.
I knew six words, all right?
So I hear this:
"Five, four, three, two, one, action."
I said, "Good evening. I'm Connie Chung,"
and then I shit my pants.
Down my stockings.
The audience went...
[gasping]
Which is what you do when somebody shits their pants.
And I knew right then and there
my career was over.
From one night, it's over.
Ten years of hard work, okay?
But I was fine with it, 'cause I wanted to get sober.
The producer Dick came up and goes,
"Pack your stuff," so I went to the dressing room.
I packed all my stuff.
I was literally crying, and I was so sick, guys.
I was about to die.
And I went to a rehab the next day,
and then a couple of months later,
they found out that I was sober, right,
so they hired me back on the show.
And I stayed on the show-- thank you--
for six more years,
and I just celebrated 12 years of sobriety.
Clap your [bleep] hands. Clap your hands.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so much, guys. Thank you so much.