-These days, the news stinks.
Every headline I see makes me feel worse than the last.
But every once in a while
there is a story that makes me feel great.
I'd like to share one now in a segment called
"The Kind of Story We Need Right Now."
[ Cheers and applause ]
This is Cait Oakley.
She lives in Canada, and she was at home recently
breastfeeding her new baby when an eagle
swooped into her front yard
and attacked her pet goose, Franky.
Now, normally that in and of itself
would be enough for one of these,
but there is a ton more.
As the eagle started to fly away with the goose in its mouth,
Cait ran out of her house while still breastfeeding
and chased it away, saving her goose's life.
If you're wondering what that looked like,
I've got some excellent news for you.
[ Laughter ]
The whole thing was caught on her doorbell camera.
[ Goose squawking ]
-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop!
-Ding dong!
[ Cheers and applause ]
When you install a doorbell cam,
the most you're hoping to catch
is a thief stealing an Amazon package,
not an attempted goose murder!
This is the kind of story we need right now.
The news has been so [bleep] lately,
especially for women with the Supreme Court
and state governments passing laws
that take away control over their own bodies.
This woman says, "I have control over myself and also birds."
[ Laughter ]
Also, what an absolute master of multitasking.
She breastfed and saved an animal's life at the same time.
I think I'm hot [bleep] if I answer an e-mail
without spilling my coffee.
Now, you might be wondering
how Cait knew there was trouble in her front yard.
It's very simple.
This woman has a guard goose!
This is the kind of story we need right now.
America is in the middle of a gun-control crisis
with millions of people claiming they need a gun
to protect themselves.
No, they don't. They need a goose.
If we replaced every gun with a goose,
our country would be a lot safer.
Also, it would be covered in [bleep].
For the record, you know -- you know this whole thing
isn't the version of the story
that eagle is telling his friends.
He's like, "Oh, yeah, it was a big, beefy guy,
and he was carrying an M16."
"That's not what I saw."
"How would you know, Gary? You were way up in the sky."
"I have eagle eyes!
Also, the whole thing was caught on the doorbell cam,
and people have been e-mailing it around."
So Cait heard her goose honking, but just because it was honking,
how did she know it was in trouble?
-Just like moms can tell the different cries
of, like, babies, I can tell the different honks of my goose.
-That's incredible. In America, most people only speak one language.
Meanwhile, in Canada, people speak English, French,
and goose?
I guess they're speaking goose now?
No, I did see this and think
that is the bravest thing this woman has ever done.
Well, I thought wrong.
-This has happened to her before.
Apparently something similar.
A raccoon broke into her coop,
and she had to go in and she tried to tackle the raccoon.
-This is the kind of story we need right now.
Turns out women can have it all.
They can be moms and they can have
a full-time career scaring the [bleep] out of animals.
After hearing this, you might be thinking
or wondering if Franky the goose is okay.
Well, Cait posted a video of Franky online
to assure people she is.
And with Cait's help, we were able to translate
what Franky is saying in the video.
[ Franky honking ]
I love this story.
Americans are so weird about breastfeeding.
It only became legal to breastfeed in public
in all 50 states five years ago.
And even when women do, we want them to cover themselves
with discreet little blankets.
Not Cait Oakley. She said, "you will watch me breastfeed,
and you will watch me do it while I attack an eagle!"
It's badass, and it's exactly
the kind of story we need right now.
[ Cheers and applause ]