What the [bleep]?
You can't do this to me!
I created "Sing It!"
I birthed it from my vagina, you [bleep]!
Welcome to "Celebration Tonight."
Television is abuzz with the drama surrounding "Sing It!"
the longest-running television singing competition.
For as long as we can remember,
the world has been captivated
watching unknown singers achieve their dreams.
♪ Baa baa, black sheep ♪
♪ Have you any wool? ♪
♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full ♪
You're out.
Ohh.
Kind of liked him.
And now longtime executive producer Bradley Datner
has suddenly exited the show in what the network
is calling a mutually amicable parting of the ways.
'Cause this is gonna [bleep] you up!
"Sing it"? More like "Suck It!"
Did you get my dick on camera? [bleep]!
Rumor has it longtime executive producer
Stacey Needles is poised to take the helm.
The show's fate will lie in the hands
of whoever takes over this once hit series.
Hi, Megan.
Which look do you like better?
Thanks, Stacey!
Can you sign this so I can learn to forge your signature?
That was Brad's way of doing things because he got too lazy.
I want to read everything before my name goes on it,
except birthday cards. Feel free to forge those.
Thanks, Stacey.
Yo, man, I don't think so.
Hey.
♪ ...no sound ♪
♪ No one hears the silent tears... ♪
16.
Think we've found this season's soprano jailbait.
What's her deal?
Loves her parents, Jesus,
captain of her softball team.
Ucch. Vanilla. We need to pimp her story.
Get the writers on it stat.
You always have a plan, Stace.
Don't drop my "Y."
♪ So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby, I am ready to be free ♪
[singing in Korean]
What is with those gloves?
Oh, she never takes them off.
Must be a Chinese good luck thing.
I'm Korean.
Must be a Korean good luck thing.
Well, good luck tonight.
Mm-hmm.
♪ Gee, gee, gee, baby, baby, baby ♪
Big day for you, Stacey.
I got you a little congrats gift.
Thank you.
It's from my product line that's in beta.
I'd really like your feedback.
Okay.
Out.
Okay.
Oh, remember,
Troy loves you.
Peww.
[sighs]
The years paid off.
Hello, hello!
I have a big announcement.
Stacey...
I would like you to meet Drew Davies.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Do you work with Marcy at the network?
No.
Is this the bike messenger
you've been hooking up with?
Oh, no.
Do you want to tell me who it is
so we can get to the big news?
Actually, I am the big news.
I'm the new executive producer of "Sing It!"
That's my big announcement.
Boom! Captured. [laughs]
Welcome to "Sing It's" Arab Spring,
the day "Sing It!" became relevant again.
[mouths words]
Oh, wait. You're not smiling.
Let's do that again.
Yeah.
♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪
♪ Whoa oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh oh oh, oh oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh oh, oh oh ♪
What the balls, Marcy?! I've been busting my ass,
and then you step on my throat in your Prada boats?
[gasps] Do you love 'em?
I couldn't decide between brown or black, so I got 'em both.
Marcy, I haven't left this building in years.
I have missed birthdays, anniversaries,
my mother's funeral.
I haven't had a guy inside me that I remotely like
since before Obama was in office,
and that includes when he was a senator.
I'm sorry about your mom and your vagina.
Who is this guy?
Drew made that documentary piece
about how "Sing It!" is ruining the music industry.
Does he have any TV experience?
Experience is overrated,
and I can tell you that from experience.
So no show-running background?
Well, he graduated from film school at NYU,
and he was almost nominated for an Oscar
for his documentary "The Day After Yesterday."
That's today.
Oh, my God. I just got that.
He is so deep.
Okay, um, how could you hire someone
with no TV experience to take over my show?
Stacey, have you even seen his documentary on "Sing It"?
It's on my Netflix queue
of things never to watch.
I am in the goddamn trenches
on the goddamn floor every goddamn night.
I don't have time to pee,
let alone watch someone criticize my show.
I know a guy who can hypnotize you to only pee on the weekends.
That's it. I quit. I'm out.
Stacey! Stacey, Stacey, stay right where you are.
Listen. Drew is good for our P.R.
[scoffs]
Respected music snob disses show,
claims he can fix it.
Network gives him the opportunity.
If the show becomes a beast again,
Drew has a notch in his belt, and he heads off to make more documentaries,
and then we hire you for 70% of his salary.
If it's a disaster, we fire him.
Then you take over at 60% of his salary.
So either way, I take over.
At 50% of his salary.
And just so you know,
this did not come from me. It came from the higher-ups.
They wanted to shake things up, so...
Okay, Drew, Stacey is going to show you the ropes
and give you your tour.
For the record, Drew,
the folks up top did not want a big shake-up.
I fought hard for you.
Whoever was in here before
had a lot of "Sing It! mementoes.
Pretty maudlin, right?
Let's get this tour over with so I can get back to work.
Oh.
Who's this handsome fella?
Troy Blue, Meet Drew Davies.
The
as in "'Sing It!' is cancer to music,
but could be cured," Drew Davies?
I have a noose in my office with your name on it.
He's our new executive producer.
The
[laughs]
As in the brilliant filmmaker?
Oh, wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what I meant was--
is--is--is--is--is-- is that I have a noose-paper
in-in my office with your name on it,
so you can just swing on by and--
Ooh, is that your special lady?
Yep, that's my Nina, four years strong.
She's in Sierra Leone.
She's working with Doctors Without Borders,
curing Ebola patients.
Ohh! And I just shook your hand.
I haven't seen her in six months.
Ohh! And I just shook your hand?
Nah, I'm just messing with you.
[whispers] I masturbate, too.
Well, as the irreplaceable face of "Sing It!"
I present to you
this basket of expensive lotions
as a welcome gift,
so enjoy the pineapple.
It's from
Okay, so this is grunt city,
P.A.s, researchers, assistants.
Got it. Gonna meet and greet.
Hey, boss.
As your new assistant,
I brought you a coffee as a peace offering.
Well, you're gonna want to give it to Genius Bar over there.
I know.
Troy already tweeted it.
I just wanted to make you say it.
Drew, meet Luke Crane, your new assistant.
Oh, okay. Cool.
Oh.
Paralysis is cool.
Spinal-cord injuries are cool.
What, you're gonna go meet up
with your hipster buddies tonight,
brag about what a generous guy you are while you eat
your artisanal street tacos, aren't you?
So openhearted.
Hmm.
You know, I didn't realize
that my initial response to somebody in a wheelchair
being my personal assistant was to placate
and pretend like it wasn't a concern.
That was false of me.
I strive for better.
I look forward to working with you, Luke.
Sweet. That's sweet.
This is home away from home.
Stacey, here's that audition highlight reel
Great.
[singing poorly] ♪ Girl ♪
♪ I'm afraid to tell you ♪
♪ That I want you, baby ♪
[half-singing] ♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪
♪ Of thee, I sing ♪
♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star ♪
♪ How I wonder what ♪
...you are.
How is this a highlight reel?
These people are abysmal.
The audience loves it.
That's why we pay them to suck.
You do what?
We hire actors to be bad.
Sorry, abysmal.
You're in charge, and you don't know
the most obvious thing about reality television?
Well, I know it needs to stop.
♪ Rock-a-bye, baby ♪
♪ In the treetop... ♪
Anyway, this is typically where we watch the show from.
No, no, no, no.
There are too many barriers.
This control room
gets between us and the singers.
The overblown production
gets between the singers and the audience.
We need to tear down those barriers
if we want the viewers
to connect to the music.
Or we could just go to everyone's house and sing to them.
Well, if the ratings get any lower,
we might actually have to do that.
WOMAN: I don't give a rat's ass about excuses!
We have a day to make, people!
Do you hear me?!
Even though we all hate the new douche-bag E.P.,
you need to get it together for the show tonight!
First impressions matter!
[cheerful] Okay, lunch.
Enjoy your meal, guys. Work hard, relax hard.
Oh, Stacey. Sorry. I'll get back to work.
Uh, hold on.
Someone I want you to meet.
I'm the new douche bag
that everybody already hates.
Oh, my God.
Idiot.
I am so sorry.
Kori's the stage manager.
Oh, and what does a stage manager do?
She finishes your tour.
[sighs] Hi. Really, I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
I know I need to prove myself
and learn from everybody, yourself included.
No producer has ever wanted to learn from me before.
Are you trying to seduce me?
No, I'm not.
Oh.
What's with Stacey?
Can you explain the unrelenting 'tude?
Probably not my place to say this,
but, uh, everybody just assumed that Stacey would be taking over.
She's worked years for this.
Oh, how did I not pick up on that?
[scoffs] Idiot.
Sorry.
Hey.
I brought you some coffee.
What's this?
[sighs]
Stacey, I had no idea that they gave me your job.
It was never my job.
Well, I know that if this happened to me,
I would hate me, too,
and I don't want you to hate me.
This is an unfair situation for both of us.
Ohh. Well, I can see how this sucks for you.
It does.
'Cause the person I need to count on the most
already wants to shove Troy's mike up my ass.
Stacey, your "Sing It!" app is ready to go!
An app? Like it. What's it for?
Uh, it's just something I've been working on.
It lets the audience vote for their favorite contestant.
That's great!
One glitch.
I'm getting rid of audience voting.
Run that by me again?
These shows are always won by a pretty face
or a splashy costume.
I mean, we can't be music prom anymore.
So let me get this straight.
You're taking away the one thing
that engages an already dwindling audience?
From now on, the audience doesn't vote.
The judges do.
Excuse me just one moment.
[screams]
If I had known that being a judge
would involve actual judging,
I never would have agreed to do this.
No, I sit.
I look pretty.
Uh-huh.
And then the audience has to be the bad guy.
I--I will not be your bad guy.
I don't want you to be the bad guy.
I want you to be the real guy.
There's only two judges,
so if we don't vote the same, you're screwed.
That's why, starting next week,
I'm bringing in a third guest judge.
I'm calling my agent.
#PopStarsLivesMatter.
Holli, when you split with Destiny, you self-destructed.
People waited for you to be the next train wreck,
to shave your head or throw eggs at your neighbors.
Are you trying to neg me?
'Cause it's kind of working.
You had one of the best solo pop albums ever,
"Holli-Luyah."
Oh, some may call it pretentious.
Look who's talking.
I found it to be genius.
A pop star who writes her own songs?
The people need to rediscover the real you,
and in the process, you will help find the next Holli.
[sobs] Okay, I'll do it!
Ahh!
What about you, Barry?
Oh, people take me seriously.
I'm one of the most successful
record producers of all time.
I have a house in Malibu I built just for my Grammys.
Yeah, but you don't even produce anymore.
Your only contribution to young talent
in the last five years has been anxiety and eating disorders.
He said, "Young."
See, this is what I'm talking about.
You've become a caricature.
You have an opportunity
to be one of the only judges on a singing show
who actually judges.
Just your extraordinary taste
and expertise.
Come on, Barry.
Go on this journey with me.
You really care about the music?
It's my whole existence.
[sobs] Okay, I'll do it.
I'll do--
No, but seriously, I'll do it.
Seriously?
[theme music playing]
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Come on, now!
Hello, everybody!
Welcome back to...
"Sing It!"
After an interesting
and grueling audition process,
Now comes everyone's favorite part,
where we crush more dreams.
We're about to go from 12 contestants
down to our 10 finalists, who will earn their colors.
And for the first time ever,
the judges hold all the cards.
And may I add this also gives more weight to the competition.
You can't just get by on a pretty face
and a $5,000 suit.
Isn't that right, Troy?
Ooh.
More fun buddy banter from me and Barry later.
[cheering]
[music playing]
♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪
Whoo!
♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪
♪ How was I supposed to know ♪
♪ That something wasn't right, yeah? ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪
♪ I shouldn't have let you go ♪
♪ But now you're out of sight, yeah ♪
♪ Show me how you want it to be ♪
♪ Tell me, baby, 'cause I need to know now ♪
♪ Oh, because ♪
♪ My loneliness is killing me ♪
♪ And I, I must confess ♪
♪ I still believe ♪
♪ Still believe ♪
♪ When I'm not with you, I lose my mind ♪
♪ Give me a sign ♪
♪ Hit me, baby, one more time ♪
[cheering]
You've been getting to know the hopefuls all night.
Let's finally meet our youngest, Maisy Kelly.
[display sputters]
That is not Maisy.
Ah, damn it.
We have a corrupt file. Move.
What do you want us to do, Drew?
Uh, we--we could...
Um...
we--we could--
we could, uh--
Stall, Troy. We have a glitch.
Thank you.
Interesting factoid, ladies and gentlemen--
Maisy Kelly is only 16 years old,
which makes her the youngest contestant
to make it this far in "Sing It!" history.
Holli, Barry, thoughts on that?
Fixed. We're good, Troy.
Never mind. Well, let's get to know Maisy.
[applause] Go, Maisy! Whoo!
TROY: When little Maisy was born,
she could not speak.
We loved our little angel,
but we never thought we'd hear her voice.
Even her cries were silent.
TROY: But then one morning, everything changed.
I was in the kitchen singing the "Thong Song,"
and all of a sudden, she started to hum along.
And those hums turned into full-on singing.
She never looked back.
JON: Music gave Maisy her voice,
and we could not be more proud of how far it's taken us.
Her, I mean.
-Of course her. -Yeah.
[sighs] That was beautiful.
Don't tell me. Tell the writers.
Are you telling me that was fabricated?
Dude, seriously, how do you not know these things?
Is nothing on this show real?
Troy's suit really is $5,000.
That is the last time we produce anything
on this show that isn't 100% real.
♪ You know I had lost hope ♪
♪ I was all alone ♪
♪ Never been so low until you came along ♪
♪ Teacher, I can feel the dots connecting ♪
♪ So beat down on me ♪
♪ Beat down like a waterfall ♪
♪ 'Cause I can take on ♪
♪ So much more than I had ever dreamed ♪
♪ So beat down on me, beat down like a waterfall ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby, I am ready to be free ♪
♪ Now I am invincible ♪
♪ No, I ain't a scared little girl no more ♪
♪ Yeah, I am invincible ♪
♪ What was I running for? ♪
♪ I was hiding from the world ♪
♪ I was so afraid, I was so unsure ♪
♪ Now I am invincible ♪
♪ Another perfect storm ♪
[cheering]
10 of you will be represented by a color
that will be your beacon through the season.
But for two of you,
the world is about to fade to black.
TROY: Judges.
I thought all of you did--
I thought all of you were really, really so talented,
all of you, and none of you should go home.
None of-- No one should ever go home. I--
I'm so--I think you're great,
and I didn't-- I wasn't prepared
to choose to do-- to choose what--
to choose--Hahh!
I need a Xanax.
Ahh! Ahh!
[gasps]
Where's my Xanax?
Troy, throw to commercial.
We'll be back right after this breakdown.
I mean break.
Stacey, why did you break?
Holli's struggle is real.
Walk with me.
You do realize you're in charge, right?
On live TV, you need to deal with things immediately.
But things need to play out.
It's more earnest to see the angst and pain
from which great music is born.
Oh, my God. How much did your parents pay
for that pretentious bullshit?
[blubbering] No, no, no.
I cannot be the reason that some failed singer
becomes a drug addict.
Remember what I said, Holli,
about people's perceptions of you?
And now their perception of me will be
that I'm a dream-sucking vampire bitch.
Holli, don't look at it like you are taking away someone's dream.
Look at it like you are giving a dream to 10 deserving people.
[sniffles] So I'm like a-- a dream genie?
Like Xtina, but before
all the confusing sexual preferences.
STACEY: Yeah. Yeah.
Don't let a deserving person get screwed.
That's happened enough today.
Get back onstage.
[sighs]
That was really good.
I do what I have to do.
The show means everything to me.
See, I love that drive,
but getting rid of voting and fake stories
is just the beginning of what I need to do here.
And you've proven to me today
that I'm gonna need to have you onboard.
Right. Okay.
TROY: And with the judges' eliminations,
it is time.
Let's meet our Top 10!
With flash and showmanship, with a style all his own,
get on up, Freddy Traymont.
At only 16 years old, Maisy Kelly.
A former bus driver, Crystal Carl.
She's been street performing to pay for community college,
Adeline Murphy.
A married couple competing against each other,
Darrell and Darcy Docket.
He crept into America from the North,
Magnus Erikson.
A rocker ready to prove
that metal singers have talent, too,
Zack Tribbet.
An Orthodox Jew rapping his way into your hearts,
as long as it's not on the Sabbath,
Shimon Rabinowitz.
Her trademark gloves and energetic voice
make her a real contender, Sophie Chu.
There you have it,
your final 10 contestants for this season of...
"Sing It!"
Yeah!
This is gonna be...
the worst season ever.
[music playing]
CROWD: Potvin sucks!