- As some of you already know,
a bunch of our private Instagram messages
were leaked online.
And before you see them on Twitter
or before they're taken out of context,
we decided to read them all ourselves here today.
Just so you know,
a lot of these are pretty embarrassing,
but we hope you don't see us any differently
after seeing these messages.
Olivia, would you like to start?
- Okay.
(chuckles)
All right.
So, this was to the Dalai Lama,
and I said,
teach me how to dougie.
(chuckles)
- That's how you pronounce it?
- Teach me how to dougie?
- Are you talking about taking a (beep)?
(chuckles)
- That's dookie.
- Oh, okay,
this is--
- I would never talk (beep) with Dalai.
- That looks like Dougie to me.
- Oh.
- (chuckles) Do you not remember what you said?
- This was like...
Seven years ago.
- Okay. - Okay, got it.
- A different time.
(tape squeaking)
- To Google.
Where to find non-horny singles in area,
looking for something serious.
- So, you DM'd Google instead of going to Google?
- I was just trying to do something different.
I felt like it was more direct doing it this way.
- Okay, this is to Anya Taylor-Joy.
Hey, Queens Gambit,
ha-ha JK.
I know you for more than that show
that you were super good in,
anyway, I was wondering if you live in LA,
because I live in LA and I know you're busy,
but if you want to get a Peets Coffee sometime,
that'd be cool,
haha.
I'm not weird,
although some of my friends think I am ha-ha,
but anyway, I feel like we could be real friends
or more maybe,
ha-ha JK or am I?
Anyway, if you don't respond, - Oh my God.
- that's cool,
but my role model taught me to go plus ultra,
(chuckles) so, here I am.
(everyone laughing)
Okay, it's been an Anya Taylor joy
(chuckles) talking to you,
more funny jokes like that await you,
if you respond beautiful princess.
- Wow.
- I was in a dark, dark place.
- You seem to be very happy to me.
You laughed all throughout it.
- I think sometimes the us
that we present online
is very different than the us that lies within.
That was my saddest point in quarantine.
- To Kathy Bates.
Hey, so, now that we besties,
can you come to my long-form improv show,
please?
It's at 2:00 AM
in the back of my foreclosed Denny's
- Oh my God.
- I sent her that image.
- You're gonna get unfollowed by Kathy Bates,
so,
like, for sure. - No.
- If you're already sending her stuff like this,
like, have you guys even hung out before?
- We have plans.
- This one was recently to Stanley Tucci.
I said,
Hey, Tucci, let me see (chuckles)
(Shayne chuckles)
Let me see (chuckles)
I said,
hey, Tucci, let me see that bucci.
Bucci equals Tucci--
(everyone laughs)
I wanted to explain to him
that Bucci equals Tucci bootyhole.
- I feel like this isn't the first time
he's gotten a message like that.
- No. - Yeah.
- To the NFL,
I sent,
if you think about it,
football is just basketball on grass.
And I firmly stand behind this.
- You got it.
- I don't even know what NFL is.
- National Football League.
- This is especially embarrassing here,
but this was to The Try Guys.
Are you guys hiring?
- That's kind of (beep),
were you trying to leave us?
- Well, - That's messed up.
- I think they make very good content
and you know, we do what we do.
So, I kind of-- (everyone laughing)
- What is--
- What is-- (Shayne laughing)
It's in the--
- To Mel Gibson.
Hey dad, can you let mom know
I got the mole checked out
and it was just a chocolate (chuckles) chip
I fell asleep on.
(Keith chuckles)
- That's good.
- This is to Anthony Padilla.
I messaged him,
where are you?
Yeah (chuckles).
You told me you were going
to the bathroom (chuckles)
(Shayne chuckles)
and I haven't seen you in five years.
(chuckles)
- Kind of embarrassing, Olivia (chuckles)
- [Shayne] That sucks.
That really sucks.
- So, to Pornhub,
(sighs)
(Shayne laughing)
This is actually very embarrassing,
like, I lasted more than five minutes.
What do I get?
Well, when I sent this,
it was like, one of the first times
I've done it.
And I felt like I needed a prize.
A pat on the back or something.
Could I have one right now? - Sure.
- Because-- - Could I have a pat
on the back for lasting more than five minutes?
- If you lost more than five minutes
riding the bull,
you get a free sampler,
hotter.
(Shayne sighs)
- Yeah.
- So, I see what you were thinking.
- This one is to Tom Kenny,
the voice of SpongeBob SquarePants.
Hi, are you ready kids?
Ha-ha JK.
I know you for more than that show
you've worked on for more than 20 years
and are super good
and anyway,
I was wondering if you live in LA?
And I know you're super busy,
but maybe we can grab an Eggslut sometime.
That would be cool,
ha-ha.
I'm not weird,
although, all of my friends think I am ha-ha-ha,
but anyway,
I feel like we could be bubble buddies
or maybe more ha-ha JK or am I?
Wink.
Anyway, If you don't respond to this,
that's cool,
but my role model taught me to go plus ultra.
So, if you don't respond,
I'll put rocks in my shoes
and find the nearest lake.
Okay,
It's been an (chuckles) Anya Taylor
(Shayne laughs) joy talking to you,
beautiful princess.
- Did you like,
copy and paste this message - No.
- to a lot of people?
- In the second most dark place of my life,
having no memory of the first message,
I wrote this completely organically.
- To Bucca Di Beppo.
Big meatballs ha-ha.
Balls, give me your balls,
ha-ha.
- Sounds right.
- Once again, we're just pitching kind of stuff.
You know, just ideas.
- To Wendy's.
Horny.
(chuckles)
Is it my fault?
It's a natural feeling.
- I just wanna know
why you sent that to Wendy's.
- Yeah.
- To Veterinarian.
Is it normal for her to look like this?
She's cute, right?
She's a little jello cat.
My little baby.
She's so soft, she's like butter.
Little butter cat.
Is this a healthy weight?
Look at her.
Isn't she so kissable?
I'm so drunk.
(everyone laughs)
- Wow.
- To Duncan.
Horny.
- Well, you do little food.
So, that makes sense.
- I'm horny always. - For food.
- America runs on horny. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- To Courtney.
I said, do we film tomorrow?
Courtney says,
Keith tomorrow is Easter.
(both chuckle)
I say,
what time do I need to be at the airport?
Courtney says,
Keith, we haven't flown to film
in three years. (laughing)
So, then I said,
okay, so what time do I go to the studio?
Courtney says,
Keith, it is Easter.
(both laugh)
It's really embarrassing
that I like, showed up - It's like Easter.
to the airport.
- Yeah.
- To Crunchyroll,
Dragon Ball Z?
More like dragging my balls P--
(Keith chuckles)
Ha-ha, I actually hate anime.
- Wow.
- [Keith] That--
- This is not how I wanted people to find out.
- That sucks, man.
I'm really sorry.
- I've always liked anime,
because I wanted to be popular and cool.
And now, you guys know that it was a front.
- [Keith] So, it was all a lie?
- Yeah, it was all a lie. - Hate anime.
I like really sad Russian animation
from the 60's.
- To Pizza Hut.
(chuckles) Horny.
(Olivia grunts)
- Did any of them respond to you at all?
- No.
- Okay, well...
Stop it.
- I'm gonna keep going.
- All right, to Shayne,
I said,
Hey, want to go for a hike?
Then Shayne says,
my ankle is broken.
And then (chuckles) I said,
(mimics laughing) (everyone laughing)
I mean, it's really funny.
- You did 100%,
actually DM me this. (laughing)
- Ah,
the whole Yankee Candle fiasco.
Here's a new scent you can use,
my butthole.
(Keith chuckles)
I'm serious,
people want it.
I get DM's like, twice a day and I respond,
just wait, I'm working on it.
This DM to you, is me working on it.
Let's collab.
- I feel like you're following
in Erykah Badu's footsteps,
she has candles that smell like her vagina.
- Damien is definitely
the Erykah Badu of Smosh,
I would say. (Olivia chuckles)
- I agree (chuckles)
(Shayne laughs)
- To Steve Carrell.
I need you to confirm this,
because I truly believe this (chuckles)
with all my heart,
do minions eat ass?
(chuckles)
- That's--
Did he respond?
- I don't think he responded. (Keith laughs)
I haven't checked.
- To Jiffy Lube.
Horny.
Thinking Jiffy might...
- No - No, don't.
- lube my Jiffy?
- Don't do that. - (chuckles) Stop it.
- Don't do that.
- Jiffy, lube lube jiffy?
- To Elon Musk.
I straight up asked,
(beep) marry kill,
me, me and me.
So, I didn't give her many other options,
because I'm trying to get that--
- Yeah.
- Kill, has to probably come last.
- I mean, whichever,
it doesn't matter.
I feel like he could bring me back from the dead,
if he killed me first. (Olivia chuckles)
- Oh, this is a conversation
I had with Shayne.
Hey, check out this weird fan fiction
somebody wrote about us (mimics laughing).
Shayne,
Damien, did you write this?
Me,
no way ha-ha a fan sent it to me on Twitter.
Shayne,
It says written by Damian Haas on it,
and you described the birthmark
on my butt in detail.
Damien,
so crazy that someone wrote this.
Shayne,
Damien, I told you that in confidence.
How do you know
what the inside of my shower looks like?
Me,
It's pretty good writing, huh?
They should write more I think.
I have a confession.
- What?
- You know that fan fiction
that I said someone else wrote?
- Yeah.
- Well, they did.
And they're out there.
- So, I'm responding
to one of Liza Koshy's Instagram stories here.
Beautiful Instagram story as always, Liza.
Keep up the good work.
(Keith chuckles)
LOL, nice boomerang!
I love tacos too.
Classic!
Wow, gorgeous much.
Ha-ha just kidding!
Love you Liza.
I'm Matt (chuckles) Bradley (both chuckle)
from the Goldbergs. (Damien chuckles)
I thought maybe that would get a response.
Like, if she knows
like, hey, no,
I'm kind of like you.
- I'm really embarrassed.
- What?
- I am too.
- This was to Dr. Oz.
I don't know who I am anymore.
All I know is,
eat yummy food and acting,
but deep down,
I want to (chuckles) be a dog.
(chuckles)
I think I am a dog.
I was meant to be a dog.
Should I be on Oprah (chuckles) for this?
- Oh my God (chuckles).
- I'm sorry that, that got leaked.
- We should've known,
she wanted to be a dog.
She arfs all the (beep) time.
- Keith, It's her choice on when to reveal that,
you know?
- This is between me an Oz
- All right,
so, to my boy, Bruno Mars,
like, one of my favorites,
he's like really cool,
down to earth.
I had to ask him,
is it true that you wrote Uptown Funk about me,
because I live in North Hollywood
and I smell like (beep)?
(laughs) (Olivia mimics crying)
- I'm sorry. (chuckles)
I'm literally crying. (chuckles)
(scoffs)
(Shayne laughing)
- This was to the official Star Wars film,
Twitter account.
Do you like my fan art?
- Are they touching each other's butts?
- Yes.
- [Shayne] Yoda-
- Now, I gave Yoda a butt,
like way in the upper middle of his back,
because it isn't specified
on Star Wars Canon,
how Yoda (beep).
- To Mr. Clean.
How good are your magic erasers on skid marks?
(chuckles)
- Real talk,
you could've just asked me.
They work wonders.
- Okay, This was to Subway.
Whose foot are you using
to measure the foot-long? (everyone laughing)
You can use mine (chuckles),
I have a small (chuckles).
It will save you bread.
(everyone laughing)
I was trying to help out Subway.
I feel like they're wasting too much bread.
- All right,
If you couldn't guess,
a bunch of our writers wrote a bunch of (beep)
for us to read.
So, we're seeing this for the first time.
- Mine is all accurate.
- That's the problem,
these DM's are actually very close
to my real DM's
- Hmm. (Keith laughs)
- Yeah.
- Speak for yourself. - No, not too far off.
- Yeah, you're like,
I've never lasted five minutes - Yeah.
- Yeah, go all night. (indistinct)
(chuckles)
- [Keith And Shayne] Bye. - Bye.