The following trailer is rated "H" for "Honest".
From a developer that's been making games since you were a zygote,
comes another entry in the granddaddy of game series
about beating the crap out of people in public--
Street Fighter V.
Drop your controller,
Drop your controller, crack your keyboard,
Drop your controller, crack your keyboard, and dust off an expensive joystick
for the genre that makes you feel like the opposite of a god
and bodies you so hard
you either quit the game forever
or dedicate your life to mastering it
as Street Fighter V expects you to put in actual work to lift yourself out of button mashing hell
in an entry that feels like it's designed only for its hardcore fans
in an entry that feels like it's designed only for its hardcore fans and eSports,
because, let's face it,
if you don't know your footsies from your mix-ups by now
this game ain't for you.
Discover Street Fighter all over again
as the series transitions from the oily, buff boys of SFIV
to the clay banana ponytails of V
and adds all new systems to constantly remind you
you're playing Street Fighter "V",
With V-Triggers,
With V-Triggers, V-Reversals,
With V-Triggers, V-Reversals, V-Skills
With V-Triggers, V-Reversals, V-Skills and V-for-Vendettas for every character,
then adds a handful of new characters to go along with the old favorites,
like...
a Middle Eastern tech bro,
an Aztec Super Saiyan,
the Silly Hat Crew,
and this weird Chinese poison guy who sucks an entire ass.
Maybe next patch, right F.A.N.G players?
Dive in to the lukewarm kiddie pool of Street Fighter V's single-player modes--
from character stories that are still just frames of some character art,
to the actual story mode that came out months after they put out the game,
which pales so much in comparison to fighting games that actually care about this kind of thing
that you wonder why they even bothered.
Then fiddle around in Training and Survival Mode until you're ready to go online
and be totally unprepared for the difficulty curve
as you face either the long, hard grind to level up your game
or the short walk to return it to Best Buy,
unless you discover the real way to enjoy Street Fighter V--
watching other people play it on the Internet.
Experience the fresh, new ways Capcom is trying to nickel-and-dime you
as they move from the traditional "release-the-same-game-five-times" model
to just selling you everything individually, including the characters,
unless you want to spend countless hours grinding out Fight Money to earn them in-game,
which sounds like a good compromise,
but, in reality, only works out if your time is worth absolutely nothing,
leaving you to wonder if it's really worth it to spend six dollars on f^%king Guile.
So sharpen up those combos,
memorize that frame data,
and chase that dream of making football nerds mad that you're being shown on ESPN,
because if you're not fighting to be the very best, like no one ever was,
you're probably better off playing Tekken.
Starring...
and...
Friend Fister V.
All these actual fighting games are great and all,
but where's the Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo sequel the people truly deserve, Capcom?
(Subtitler's Note: On mobile...*sigh*)
Comment below on what you want me to read in my epic voice!
"just monica"
"Wayward though my son may be"
"Machines aren't capable of evil. Humans make them that way."
"Sub Zero is lord so get over here"