Welcome back to my channel.
If you are new here my name is Tom Harlock,
and I do not have an intro.
But I do have an insatiable, disarming,
and overwhelming need to prove to my peers that
I am, in fact, better than them.
It's pretty much the only reason why I have a
Facebook account.
Whenever I feel ugly or unaccomplished,
I like to log on to Facebook and remind myself...
Thank god I'm me.
If you've never heard of Facebook,
you either live under a rock,
or perhaps you're Chinese.
Either way,
ni-hao!
Facebook has millions of uses every single day,
posting photos,
sharing updates,
and discussing their favorite things in groups.
There are so many different types of Facebook users...
You have the lads who replace their
personalities with big exhausts,
broom broom.
You have old people who hate young people
merely for existing,
and my personal favorite
and the topic of today's video:
yummy mummies.
I wanna be very clear before I start this video,
having a Facebook and being with child
does not a Facebook mummy make.
However if you're with child,
and you're worried where you stand,
I have an easy checklist:
Number one) Do you enjoy minion memes?
Number two) Have you ever- EVER diagnosed a child
with meningitis and proceeded to cure them with
two drops of vanilla essential oils?
Number three) Have you ever sent a Facebook message starting:
"Hey hun, love your page."
"Would you like to earn some extra money per week
from home, working from home."
"So you can look after your kids from home,
get free makeup to play with as well,"
"and it's all from home. Hey hun-"
If so, I'm so sorry to diagnose you over the camera
like this,
but unfortunately ...
You are a yummy mummy,
and the only way you can cure yourself
of this disgusting disease
is to delete your account.
In an effort to find out more
about the type of people who post shit like:
"Moms should get a fast pass to the front of the line
at coffee shops."
"Honey, you're 22 and you slept 10 hours last night?
Get to the back of the line, bitch."
Firstly, do you think I look 22?
And secondly, do you think I look like I got ten hours worth of sleep last night?
I've decided to go undercover
as a Facebook yummy mummy.
I've curated a very complex three-pronged attack,
it involves a lot of Red Bull,
and Phase 1)
I make a fake email address,
I make a fake Facebook,
I use a very generic name with a little bit of spice.
Time for a top tip:
If you ever need a picture of someone,
and you don't want to use an actual human being
because that's a bit weird and creepy,
and probably against the law.
Go to thispersondoesnotexist.com
and it automatically computer generates
a different person, who isn't actually real,
using a combination of other people's features
and automatic shit.
I don't really understand it.
It's A.I.
Do I look like a robot?
End of my top tip.
Once I have a family saved,
I upload the photos,
then good.
Time for phase 2)
Firstly, a little bit more Red Bull
Join some groups.
When you join a Facebook group,
sometimes it might ask you to answer some questions.
Tom's top tip for these questions:
Just tell them what they want to hear.
For example: the Vaccine Educated Christian Moms group asked me,
"Why would you like to join us?"
You just gotta tell them what they wanna hear.
"Hate vaccines, love God."
Some of the questions can get pretty specific.
"If you're also a step mom, do you agree or disagree
that other step moms aren't so lovely?"
"I love everyone."
Leave a little status to keep things personal.
"Love my baby, my God, essential oils,
and feeling great about my ethical choices."
And now it's simply a case of waiting to be approved,
so we can initiate
Phase three)
[spy movie music]
Cause drama.
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me,
and I'm feeling malicious.
I think I'm wearing quite a good outfit
to be in young mummy groups as well
because turtlenecks scream sophistication,
class,
and intelligence.
And the leather jacket just says,
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing."
However, if I do take this leather jacket off,
does anyone remember that picture of
The Rock? Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
He's got a turtleneck on, blue jeans, and the silver chain around his neck?
Well ...
I look like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,
but with just a little bit more muscle mass.
Anyway, enough of that dramatic mess...
Hopefully, my home page on Facebook will be full of
lovely young yummy mums looking for advice and help
in this big cruel world,
and I'm here to give it to them.
"Show me nails, ladies."
Oh God, this is perfect.
Let's talk shit about some girl's nails.
This is a fat joke,
look how absolutely disgusting they are.
"Do you need a lawyer hon?"
"Stunning."
This young yummy mummy is pregnant,
she needs some help apparently,
and I'm here to give it to her.
"Okay, I need some help. My fiancé had a vasectomy
two and a half years ago,"
(That's the Snip.)
"They say I am four weeks along."
"If it is true I conceived the night my grandfather died,
it was a month ago yesterday."
"I am freaking out. I feel like if this is true, it's a sign."
I can't picture a situation where
I've had a close relative died, and I thought
"Mm... Nothing more I wanna do
than to spurge the night away."
"Oh yes, I've had a terrible day."
"My grandfather's just passed away,
do you wanna be in me?"
There's no way this woman's not cheating
on her husband with her granddad, or something.
"Is this normal after giving birth via c-section?"
Imagine asking for feet pics and getting sent these,
I would exercise my consumer rights.
There's no way you're gonna get away with
passing off those hooves as human feet.
"Okay so I thought I had more time, but I've seen the doctor today
and I'm having her in two weeks."
"Anyone want to help with some baby girl names?"
Names so far that have been suggested:
Stell Mae- Stell fucking Mae?
No offensive if any- actually no, full offence.
If any of you are called Stell Mae,
your parents don't love you.
Mya Ann- these names are not even real.
Kynz- [chokes]
Kynzley Grace and Noelle Kaelynn.
The caucasity ...
If Lele Smith doesn't let this lady know
that her baby names are fucking atrocious, who is?
She could have a fourth baby and call it ...
[deep breath]
Holocaustius Hiroshiminium.
Hopefully she's had all three of her babies
in the last 30 days,
so she can change the names,
or get a money-back guarantee.
Let's leave a constructive,
yet firm comment.
"My kids will bully your kids."
Oh, this is a really good essential-oils-for-moms group.
I've actually brought some
essential oils for the occasion,
Just in case I get any recipes on
how to fix my life,
thought I would have them handy.
Frankincense,
mulled wine,
"Yuletide spice",
and orange and cinnamon.
So hopefully, I can whip up a concoction
and stop the Nazis from ever happening.
The only way we're gonna find Madeleine McCann
is if we get essential oils on the case.
"Woke up with a terrible bout of polio this morning,
but I had one sniff of frankincense essential oil,
and fuck me sideways ..."
"Feel great."
The great thing about Facebook groups is
you can ask loads of questions,
and people will come back to you
and give you some advice.
"Hello ladies.Which oil do you recommend for
fighting the Nazis?"
Something simple like that can really set the tone,
and let other women know that you are more intelligent
than them because you know about Nazis.
One of my least favorite things about
parents on Facebook is their inability to
not over-share every single aspect of their lives.
Just because your child is your child,
does not mean it's the best child that's ever existed.
"Sorry about face, she was eating."
"She had a blister on her tongue, and we're taking her
to the doctor at four o'clock today."
"Anyone's kids ever had this?"
I'm so glad that when I was a kid, Facebook didn't exist,
because if my mum had the audacity
to put photos like this,
of me,
online,
I would fucking kill myself.
"I need some crafty ideas
to make a birthday gift with my daughter."
"For her father who I'm not with."
"She's seven months old. Pic for attention."
Aw, that is quite a cute kid.
Best birthday present you can do
is just never contact him again,
let him have a new family.
"Just need help, someone I know
wants to start potty training her two year-old son,
and this is our first boy she needs ideas."
Got some perfect advice for you,
if I'm completely honest.
"I just let my son shit all over the walls."
I accidentally said that this woman's horrible nails
were stunning, and she replied saying "thank you"
so now I'm gonna have to give her a dose of reality.
Actually, no I'm gonna let her live in this fake fantasy
of me liking her nails for a little bit longer.
"What did you ask for hon? Looks amazing."
If I need this lady's horrible nails,
I need to get a gel full set with
Stardust, and metallic sparkles.
"Thanks hon."
My Apple watch is telling me to breathe,
that's how stressed I am about being nice to somebody.
I'm not gonna stand up and breathe,
I'm gonna relish in my stress.
Who on earth is this guy replying the comments?
I can be very judgmental.
"Excuse me sir, this is a safe space for women."
What the fu-
[cackling]
Sanitary towel, some lavender essential oils,
some aloe vera and witch hazel ...
Almost trying to burn the yeast infection out of them, aren't they?
Jesus Christ.
Mummy's top tip:
If you've got pond rot, just get a tampon
and douse it in bleach
before you put it up inside yourself,
it clears all the bacteria.
It's great, amazing.
Yeast begone!
"My three and a half month year-old
doesn't like to sleep at all."
"It's a battle every evening,"
Top tip for stressed-out new mums:
If your baby's crying and you can't get it to go to sleep
just shake it really hard until its batteries fall out.
"So, my two-year-old
has a diaper rash that just won't go away."
"It looks awful when it's- "
Who the fuck is looking at your baby's ass
long enough to be-
Anyway ...
"It's starting to peel and flake.
Does anybody have any experience with a rash of this persistence?"
Try cleaning your baby a bit more, if completely honest.
It doesn't take a miracle worker to figure out
that your baby needs soap and water on its ass.
"Orange oil works great hun."
"What's a good vitamin or supplement brand
to take to gain a better memory?"
"I'm so forgetful, and really need some ideas on
how to have a better memory."
"It's a little scary sometimes."
"Just try not forgetting so much, hun."
Another big part of a yummy mummy world,
is the parents who feel like
just because they have children,
they have a level of humor and understanding
that nobody else can.
"Funny how drinking eight cups of water a day
seems impossible."
"But eight beers and seven shots
in two hours go down like a fat kid on a seesaw."
Imagine if that fat kid was your child
you'd get me done for bullying.
"A woman in the elevator just complimented me on my hair,
and then I complimented her on her shoes."
"When we got to our floor my five-year-old whispers,
'Are you friends?'
'Why are you saying nice things about each other?'
And then straight out of the movie scene from a movie
the woman re-opens the elevator door and says,
'Because we're women, and honestly, honey ...
it's our job to hold each other up.' "
Damn straight, sis.
"Didn't happen though, did it?"
"I no longer vaccinate
because vaccines almost killed my son."
If your son received any - and I mean any -
of the features that are on your face -
any -
a singular one-
you've not got one feature that I'm in awe of-
you've killed him already.
"Which is the real epidemic:
36 cases of measles lasting about two weeks,
or 1 in 36 children with autism, a lifelong disability,
or death after vaccination?"
Pooh-Bear and Piglet you're the only reason children are dying.
Don't think correlation implies causation but okay go off.
"I am disgusted with the fact that we're injecting babies with known poison."
I'll probably take your advice on things
when you own a moisturizer and a deep conditioner.
"Your 40s are good, your 50s are great, your 60s are fab,
and your 70- well-
70 is fucking awesome."
I can't actually be bothered living that long
I'm 25 years old,
do you think I have it in me to live another 45 years?
"Of the currently living about 320 million Americans,
about 45 million will develop Alzheimer's- "
and approximately 45 million of them 45 million
won't even know about it.
In my humble opinion,
Alzheimer's is the gift that keeps on giving.
Yeah, it may suck losing all your memories and shit,
but you're not gonna remember it in the morning.
"Have you ever just looked at someone
and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?"
That feels like a personal attack.
There's nothing quite more mumsy on Facebook
than minion memes.
"Going on a trip, need about four outfits,
I've packed 35 just to be safe."
Firstly, no you fucking didn't.
Minions don't wear proper outfits
they wear dungarees at best,
hard hat if they're feeling fruity,
and nothing in-between.
Morning: Tired.
Afternoon: Dying for a rest.
Night: Can't sleep.
[scoffs]
Isn't that just the way it always goes, Mr. minion man?
Us yummy mummies,
we really are living the same lives in different bodies.
I think that's all the slagging off
I've got in my bones for today.
But if you guys want to see a part two to this video,
I'm gonna keep this Facebook account live and thriving,
so let me know down below in the comments if you wanna see more.
Make sure to subscribe.
If you guys are around in the Netherlands,
I'm gonna be there next week so,
make sure you attack me VIOLENTLY,
so I can have a shining star of the beginning of Twitter's top trending page.
"Tom Harlock, young British hunk,
gets attacked in the Netherlands by anti-vaxxer brigade."
I can't wait.
Follow me on Twitter and Instagram if you feel the need.
Make sure to purchase your essential oils in the battle against vaccines.
Love you, bye.
[Matt Sellors' "Honey" plays]