-President Biden signed his
$1.9 trillion COVID relief bill into law today,
exactly one year after the World Health Organization
declared the coronavirus a pandemic
and the country started to shut down
and Republicans tried to both lie about the bill
and claim credit for the bill at the same time.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪
Everyone's been reflecting on the fact
that it's been exactly one year
since the start of the pandemic and the shutdowns
and, while most normal human beings
have looked back solemnly at the staggering death toll
and all the suffering, the pain, and misery caused
by the economic crash, "Fox & Friends" is wondering,
"What if we just like didn't do anything?"
You wonder where we would've been a year ago,
had they said, "Okay, these are the things
to protect yourselves,"
but they had not closed down the whole planet
and then just given people the choice.
Where would we be one year later?
Because today marks the one-year anniversary of the pandemic.
-I know. Can you imagine where our economy would be today,
where our healthcare sector would be today?
Human beings are capable of good decisions,
if you provide them with the right information.
It's a thought experiment, unfortunately, Steve,
we don't get to do in reverse.
-I don't know, guys. Seems like
the thought experiment falls apart
when you talk about providing people
with the right information, since you work for a network
that might as well be called...
Let's not forget last year's hits, like,
"It's basically the flu," "Masks don't work,"
or the doctor who said hydroxychloroquine is the answer
is the same doctor who also believes
demons have sex with men to collect their sperm.
Do you know how hard comedy writing is
when the real thing is demon sperm?
You can't heighten it. Here, I'll prove it.
Trump's touting a doctor who believes in demon sperm.
What's next, demon sperm?
See? There's nowhere else to go.
Sure, I guess I could say unicorn [bleep],
but they're just going to beep [bleep]
I can't believe the question these guys are asking,
after a year and half a million deaths, is,
"What if, instead of helping people,
we just like did nothing?"
You sociopaths. Do you guys not understand
like the germ theory of disease?
[ Dully ] Microorganisms spread from one person to another,
so, in order to stop the disease,
you have to keep people apart.
I can't believe I have to explain this to you
like I'm some 19th-century biologist.
"You don't understand.
Diseases are caused by microbes."
Okay, Louis Pasteur. Come on, guys.
Let's go drink from the fountain outside the asylum.
I can't believe it's been a year since everything shut down.
And, by that, I mean it's only been a year.
I feel like, these last 12 months,
we've all aged at president speed.
Remember how Obama went in
looking like a cast member on "My So-Called Life"
and came out looking like
he'd just seen Mitch McConnell's ghost?
That's all of us now.
In fact, I feel like Obama's the only one
who's somehow gotten younger in the last year.
He's hanging out on the vineyard,
doing podcasts, like a 20-year- old stand-up.
[ As Obama ] Bruce, I, uh...
got a sweet new audio setup.
Just bought a Yeti and a pop filter.
But it's true, it's been exactly one year
since that surreal cascade of events led
to the shutdown of the country, from the NBA shutting down
to Tom Hanks getting COVID
and then, of course, as we all solemnly remember,
the late night shows.
One year ago, I was here in my studio alone,
after sending our staff home and canceling our show,
doing "A Closer Look" for YouTube.
And now, a year later, I'm here in my studio alone,
doing "A Closer Look" for Wally.
I hope you enjoy them, Wally.
-I mean, I wish they could be a little shorter.
-Not now, Wally.
-It's really heavy to hold!
-Not now!
I remember that day like it was yesterday.
Everything was shutting down, people were scared,
grocery stores were ransacked,
so I got up on a chair in the office
and gave an inspirational speech where I said to my staff, "Gang,
I know you're terrified, but this is our moment.
People are counting on us.
So let's get out there
and put on the best goddamn show of our lives."
And then I looked down and the room was empty,
except for a tumbleweed that rolled past,
stole a bottle of Purell off my desk, and then left.
[ Wind blowing ]
And it was even worse than that because I was standing
on top of my chair and the crew guy
who helps me down from chairs had left.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know how to do it.
I used to.
Anyway, the point is it's worth stepping back,
reflecting on everything the country's been through
over the last year -- all the pain, the suffering,
the joblessness, rising poverty, food scarcity,
so much of it needless, thanks, in large part,
to the sociopathic incompetence of an administration
and political party that simply did not care
that a deadly virus was rampaging through the country
and often did everything it could
to help spread the disease.
It's also been one year
since we all trapped ourselves inside our homes
with stockpiles of gin and red wine,
watching "Tiger King" and "Love Is Blind"
while clinging to our last shreds of toilet paper,
like a plank floating in the water after a shipwreck.
Remember that?
When there was a deadly, mysterious virus
rampaging through the country and, instead of face masks,
everyone thought the one thing they'd need was toilet paper?
I have so much residual anxiety from that
that, when I see a guy walking down the street
with a 12-pack of Charmin from the grocery store,
I still can't help but think to myself,
"[Bleep] you!
[ Laughter ]
You better have 12 [bleep], buddy."
[ Laughter ]
Also, remember "Love Is Blind"?
I know it was a year ago, but we still
have to talk about Jessica.
Mostly, in regards to how she was showing us our own futures.
Everyone thought it was insane when she gave wine to her dog,
but then quarantine happened and we all ended up doing
much, much weirder things to pass the time.
I, for example, developed a close personal relationship
with a sea captain painting, so, Jessica,
I am very sorry for judging you.
It's also been exactly one year since our last president
delivered a bizarre prime time address
where he struggled to read off the teleprompter,
got a bunch of his own policies wrong,
and then did this after he thought the feed had cut out.
-We will heal the sick,
care for those in need, help our fellow citizens,
and emerge from this challenge
stronger and more unified than ever before.
God bless you and God bless America.
Thank you.
-Thank you. -We're clear.
-Okay.
Okay. [ Sigh ]
[ Laughter ] Remember that?
When the president reacted to his own speech
on a national crisis like you just told him
you were getting back together with your ex.
[ As Trump ] She stole your car to go have sex with your brother, but,
ah, okay!
[ Laughter ]
Although, my favorite part of that speech was actually
the bit C-SPAN cut before it started,
when Trump accidentally got a pen mark on his suit
and freaked out.
-You have [indistinct]. -A what?
Oh, [bleep]
Uh-oh. I got a pen mark.
Anybody have any white? Do you have any white stuff?
-That is definitely not
what you want to see during a national emergency --
tune in to C-SPAN early and see the president saying --
[ As Trump ] Uh-oh. [Bleep]
Oh no!
"What is it, Mr. President,
more bad news on the virus?"
No, way worse, guys.
I got a big old ketchup stain on my shirt.
You shouldn't have let me have the Sloppy Joe
right before we went on.
Does anyone have a Tide to Go stick?
Tide to Go stick? Mel?!
[ Laughter ]
Mel?!
Do you have the Tide to Go stick?
What? [ Laughter ]
Say it louder, Mel.
I should Tide to [bleep]?
Mel!
[ Laughter ]
Bring down the white stuff!
No, not cocaine! Mayonnaise!
[ Laughter ]
You know, it's such a relief
to have a competent administration
that actually cares about governing
and a party that just passed a massive stimulus bill
that will deliver urgent relief to millions of people,
as opposed to, you know,
a racist, authoritarian, criminal sociopath
who tried to overthrow democracy.
But I will still occasionally reminisce
about how deeply weird he was.
If Trump wants to run again, we should just create
a second position, separate from president,
and call it White House Weirdo or something.
Let him hug all the flags he wants
and shake Macron's hand for an hour,
while Biden does all the actual governing.
And let's not forget, a lot has changed in the last year
for Trump, too, and not just because of the pandemic.
Now that he's lost the legal protections of the presidency,
he's under increasing criminal scrutiny.
The Wall Street Journal obtained the audio
of yet another phone call in which Trump pressured
a Georgia election officials to throw out valid ballots,
which comes as the Fulton County D.A.
investigates Trump's bid to steal the state's votes
and his former fixer Michael Cohen,
who already went to jail for a hush money scheme
directed by Trump, is apparently cooperating
with the Manhattan District Attorney's Office
in its investigation of Trump's business dealings and taxes.
-CNN has learned that Michael Cohen,
former Trump lawyer and fixer,
met with prosecutors from the
Manhattan District Attorney's Office
for a seventh time, as their investigation
of the former president continues.
-Seven interviews. My God, they're going to have
to publish the indictment as a multipart series,
like "Game of Thrones."
I'm no lawyer, but, generally speaking,
it's not good when the prosecutor investigating you
does more interviews with your personal fixer
than there are episodes in an HBO miniseries.
When Trump heard about the seven interviews with Cohen,
he was probably as shocked as Nicole Kidman was
when she found out her charming British husband
with a mysterious past, who's estranged from his family,
and conspicuously left his phone at home during a trip
that he was purposely vague about
might have killed someone.
When Trump got the call about Cohen's seven interviews,
he probably was like --
-Oh, [bleep]
-But Trump's bizarre halfhearted speech one year ago
is a stunning contrast with the seriousness and gravitas
of the speech President Biden delivered tonight,
exactly one year later,
to mark the pain the country's endured,
while also offering hope for the future.
Vaccinations are ramping up, cases are headed down,
and, today, Biden signed a bill that will inject
$1.9 trillion into the economy
to help struggling Americans who need and deserve it.
The bill's enormously popular.
75% of Americans and 59% of Republicans
approve of that. Do you know how hard it is
to get 75% approval for anything?
I can't even get 75% approval from my crew
for my impression of Michael Shannon
playing various Looney Tune characters.
[ As Shannon/Bugs Bunny ] Get ready to die, [bleep],
because it's duck season in this part of town.
You should've made a left turn at Albuquerque, mother[bleep].
[ As Shannon/Foghorn Leghorn ] I say!
[ Laughter ] I say, I say, boy!
What is the big idea?
[ Laughter ] Are you threatening me, boy?
I am the cock of the walk around here.
Nobody threatens
Foghorn
Alfredo
Leghorn.
[ Laughter ]
We brought it back one more time.
I promise that's it.
For today.
[ Laughter ] Anyway.
Point is, the bill is massively popular
with voters in both parties and, yet,
Republicans have derided it as a so-called partisan bill
and gone so far as to pretend that it doesn't even
do that much about COVID, which is a total lie.
-I'm extremely disappointed
in Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
This is a very partisan bill.
-There was no reason for them to jam through
this $1.9 trillion bill.
-I think we might have a new name
for this package that's come over.
It's the Porky Partisan, uh, Pricy...Pet Project...Package.
-It's just unbelievable.
This thing is just so corrupt, so costly,
and you look at it, it's just so liberal.
-$1.9 trillion of relief
that mostly has nothing to do with COVID.
-President Biden says it's
a coronavirus bill
and my response is, "Right, you know,
and the stripper really likes you."
-What? What are you talking about?
It says a lot about Kennedy that he thinks that's an analogy
that makes the most sense to people.
[ As Kennedy ] We've all been there, Brian.
You're at the club and you strike up a conversation
with one of the dancers --
Misty's my favorite -- and you make it feel
like you're having a real connection.
Next thing you know, you go in for a hug
and the bouncer's throwing you out on the sidewalk,
telling you you're banned from The Diamond Donkey,
which is bad news because they got the best shrimp in town.
And that's what this COVID bill is.
It just the strip club shrimp.
You can't have it anymore.
It's all COVID money.
The $1,400 checks, that's COVID money.
The money to reopen schools,
fund state and local governments to pay pensions,
to keep services running and people employed,
that's COVID money, too.
Bot to mention the money
for vaccinations and public health.
But Kennedy continued with his deranged analogy.
-It's just chock full of spending porn.
And, if you add up all the coronavirus spending
and then, all the spending porn, there's no comparison
and, to me,
using a coronavirus bill to effectuate spending porn
is like looting after a natural disaster.
-Jesus, dude, I don't love "Fox & Friends,"
but it's a morning show. You can't come out
firing "strippers" and "porn" everywhere.
I mean, save something for Hannity.
What's left for him?
[ As Kennedy ] I want to talk about unicorn [bleep]
[ Laughter ]
You're a weird man.
I can't follow a word you're saying.
Are you trying to sound like Boomhauer?
Because that interview would actually make more sense.
-Are you celebrating the greatest progressive bill
in the history of our country?
-We go -- [ Continues indistinctly ]
man, a little -- with a little squirt gun.
-But I have to say, some of the most galling behavior came
from Republicans who actually tried
to take credit for elements of the bill,
while also voting against it.
-Republican Senator Roger Wicker of Mississippi tweeted today,
after the bill passed the House, he tweeted...
Sounds like he's all for it
-Sure does. -and was part of passing it.
He actually voted against the bill,
as did every single Republican in the Congress.
-You voted against it. If you'd gotten your way,
restaurants wouldn't have gotten a dime of that money.
You can't just turn around and claim credit for it.
I know these guys are shameless, but I'm still shocked.
They're the kind of guys who would run out
and try to lift Tom Brady on their shoulders
while wearing Chiefs jerseys.
We're like a week away
from them going door to door, scribbling...
...in the memo line of everyone's stimulus check.
It has been a surreal and heartbreaking year
of pain, suffering, and misery for millions of people
and, while we're at a crossroads, right now,
with a mix of caution and competent governance,
we can get to the end of this soon,
but we can't forget the lessons of the past.
One of our two major political coalitions
became unmoored from reality,
dismissed an urgent public health threat,
and presided over needless suffering and death,
all while trying to overthrow democracy
and, now, exactly one year later,
the other coalition, whatever its faults,
has delivered urgent relief to the poor
and working-class Americans who need and deserve it.
Relief that's massively popular
with a majority of Americans of all political persuasions.
So, Republicans, most voters may not like you,
but, hey, at least maybe...
-"The stripper really likes you."
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
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