- Hey, everybody.
Today, we're gonna talk about shame and trauma
and why they are so deeply connected.
Before we jump into this very important topic,
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As always, let's first begin by defining the two terms.
Now, shame is defined as a painful feeling of humiliation
or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong
or foolish behavior
but I find that many people confuse shame with guilt.
Maybe it's because they both cause us
to feel bad about ourselves but they are very different
and I think it's important to highlight that
before we really get into this any further.
Now, guilt is when we judge our behavior
as being negative or wrong,
our behavior, remember that,
meaning that if I told someone that I would pay them back
but I didn't, I could feel guilty about it
because I feel that what I did
or more importantly didn't do was wrong or inconsiderate.
Now, shame on the other hand
is when we view ourselves as being bad or wrong.
It's much deeper than guilt
and it can't be fixed by simply making amends
or following through with what you said you would do.
As you can see, guilt can in some ways
motivate us to be better and to make amends.
Shame isn't motivating and in most cases,
it can actually be debilitating.
It can cause us to believe terrible things
about ourselves and our situation
and in turn make our mental health issues even worse.
Many of my patients and viewers have shared
how shame has made them act in more self-destructive ways
whether it be sabotaging relationships
or engaging in self-injurious behavior.
Guilt is about our actions and shame is about ourselves.
Therefore, shame is something that we need to understand
so that we can process it and remove it from our lives.
Also, as I was doing research,
I've heard shame described as a developmental trauma
meaning that it doesn't occur
immediately following the traumatic event
but it grows over time, it develops over time
especially if the traumas repeat
or if our PTSD symptoms go untreated.
Now, moving on to trauma.
It is defined as a deeply distressing
or disturbing experience.
In order for someone to be traumatized,
they have to fear for their life
or the life of someone else.
These can be big events, big traumas or big Ts
or a bunch of smaller events or little ts
but they can all lead us to struggling
with the symptoms of PTSD
and if you want more information on PTSD or what it is,
you can click the link in the description
for my video all about it.
Now that we know the definitions of both shame and trauma,
let's get into why they are so connected to one another.
I personally believe that shame
is only linked to certain trauma experiences.
Now, I could be wrong and you're more than welcome
to share your thoughts in those comments down below
but just hear me out for a minute
because I believe that shame is only associated
with traumas that we feel we are responsible
or could have stopped.
This is obviously dependent on our own personal experience
during or after that traumatic event
but if we feel that we could have
or should have done something to stop it,
we can feel full of shame as a result
'cause think back to the definition of shame
and how it can cause us to feel
that we are just wrong or bad
and if we felt that we could have done something
to stop the trauma from occurring
or did something to cause it,
of course we would struggle with feelings of shame.
Does that make sense?
Now, research has shown that when we experience shame
as a result of trauma,
it can lead us into having more unhealthy coping skills
such as excessive alcohol use, complete avoidance
or self-injurious behaviors
which can interfere with our ability to process the emotions
that we associate with the traumatic event.
Think about it.
Drinking a lot is gonna numb us out.
If we're using self-injurious behaviors,
we've talked about this being an unhealthy coping skill
and a way to kinda express how we're feeling differently
or numb out from all that we may be experiencing
so we just focus on that
and this inability to process emotions
may then contribute to the development
or intensification of our PTSD symptoms.
Also, since shame can be so debilitating and stigmatizing,
we're less likely to even reach out for professional help
and support when we need it most
and additionally, they believe that shame is born out
of the free state that trauma can put us in
because when we're so overwhelmed and traumatized
that we feel frozen and unable to move or help ourselves,
we can slowly begin to believe
that what happened was all our fault
because we didn't do anything to stop it
and that's how shame becomes toxic
and impedes our ability to process through things
and move forward.
It doesn't help us see how our actions are affecting others
or motivate us to change which guilt can actually do.
Instead, it causes us to isolate,
believe that it's all our fault
and something is completely inherently wrong with us.
Now, there is so much I could talk about
when it comes to trauma and shame
but I wanna make sure I leave some time
to talk about how we can heal from it
and move past the shame that we may feel because we can
and number one, because we're dealing with trauma
and possibly some unhealthy coping skills,
we'll need to gather our healthy
and helpful resources first.
Research shows us that the free state happens
because we don't really know what else to do in that moment
and it pushes us out of our resilient zone.
You remember I did that video with Alexa a while ago?
And so when we do that, when it pushes us out,
it's because we don't have any resources to help us out.
So in order to even consider talking through
all we may have been through and the traumatizing situation,
we're gonna need to have internal resources
available to us at all times.
These aren't distraction techniques
or healthy coping skills.
These are resources within ourselves
and in other people in our lives.
For example, a resource could be your amazing sense of humor
or your compassion for others or your closest friend or pet
or a safe space that you have where you can go
and you can relax and feel okay, anything like that.
So any resource that you could use
to help you better manage any of the hard and icky stuff
we know can come up when we're going through
and talking through the trauma,
you need to be able to go to that happy place
or to use that sense of humor to keep you present
and help you continue to push through
and your therapist should also be a resource
but it can take a while for us to feel safe enough
to call them that
and know that we feel safe in their office.
It takes us a while to feel okay
but coming up with resources can take many sessions
so be patient as you put together
the ones that work for you.
Next or number two is mindfulness and grounding.
When we've been traumatized
and are struggling with intense feelings of shame,
it can be hard to stay present.
This could mean that we're unable to stay in our body
and so we'll dissociate
or that we struggle to stay in the present time
and have a hard time discerning past from present
and I put these two tools together
because they work really in tandem.
Now, first, think about it.
With mindfulness, we have to begin feeling
all that comes up for us in our body
as well as what emotions we feel.
This can start by simply tracking your feelings
with feelings charts.
I've talked about that a lot. So you can print those off.
You can Google them online and print off a feelings chart
but it helps to track that first
and then progress to how an emotion feels in your body.
Where is it, what sensation do you feel, et cetera
and it can take some time
but the better able we are to recognize the feeling
and actually allow ourselves to feel it
and move through it and stay present,
the better able we'll be to talk through our trauma
and start to heal and also because we have to be present
in order for our brain to have the chance
to reprocess at all.
Talked about that when it comes to EMDR
that we have to be present in order for it to work
and that's why figuring out what grounding techniques,
remember these work in tandem, right,
mindfulness and grounding,
it's important to figure out what grounding techniques
work for you and that will help you so much in this process
and remember, grounding techniques
could be snapping rubber bands on your wrist,
stomping your feet, clapping your hands,
counting the colors in a room.
Connecting to what we feel in our body
and connecting that with the grounding technique
can help us focus on that area
and can be so life changing during our trauma reprocessing.
Next or number three, explore the trauma
and situations that created shame for you.
Because shame is often attached
to a lot of other uncomfortable emotions
and could be what's keeping us held in our PTSD response,
we have to figure out what situations
caused us to feel shameful.
Now, obviously, this needs to be done slowly and carefully
but your therapist should walk you through
and help you see the other side of the encounter.
Perhaps we aren't taking into consideration
why someone would do that to another person.
Is that person an egomaniac?
Maybe they're acting out of their own pain or shame.
Would they have done this to us
or someone else no matter we did?
Essentially taking the responsibility off ourselves,
it can lead to shame.
Taking the time to reframe what happened
can help us acknowledge how we felt
instead of what we usually try to do
is try to just brush it off, push it down and ignore it
and I know talking through each encounter
that may have caused us to feel shame
can seem really, really tedious
but it's important that we do it
so that we can see the other side of it
and then be able to let it go.
It can also help to talk out
what other emotions come up for you when you do this.
So maybe you feel anger and shame?
Adding in an emotion word to the shame
can help us better connect with what we're feeling
again going back to the tip before this about mindfulness.
Acknowledging that we felt other emotions
can be clues to our healing as well.
Now, next or number four,
developing new and healthier relationships
and ways to protect ourselves.
Shame often gets passed around
from hurt person to hurt person
because it's often too difficult to deal with.
So instead of dealing with it, we inflict it upon others.
One article I read called shame a hot potato
and I kinda like that analogy 'cause it gets passed around.
We're like, ugh, I hate this, it feels terrible,
you take it and so we push it onto other people
but once we figured it where the shame came from,
the situations, the people,
the traumas we may have experienced
and we're able to safely reframe these situations
to see it wasn't in fact our fault
and there isn't anything inherently wrong with us
then we can develop healthier coping skills
and relationships starting with our therapeutic relationship
and you can do roleplay within sessions
to practice communication skills,
come up with self-care tools and techniques
and work together to recognize any of the clues
that we may be slipping into old habits.
Now, I know all of that may seem like a lot of work
and in truth it is but I always think it's important
that we know it can and will get better.
Finding the right therapist, possibly a trauma specialist,
is imperative as well as being patient with your process.
Trauma work takes time and what's most important
is that you feel supported as you were challenged
but not pushed to move too fast
and that's why resourcing was the first step I mentioned.
We need to feel supported and safe
while we do all of the work we're gonna need to do
in order to heal.
This video has been brought to you
by the Kinions on Patreon.
If you would like to support the creation
of these mental health videos,
click the link in the description and check it out.
But as always, I wanna hear from you.
Did I leave out an important step?
Was there something else that helped you?
Do you think shame and trauma aren't really linked at all?
Let me know in those comments down below
and I will see you next time.
Bye.