Twenty percent of the population is highly sensitive, and so that means that 50
million Americans - just think of it - 50 million Americans have a finely tuned
nervous system. But yet up until ten, twelve years ago no one ever knew
that, and so 20% of populations thought "There must be something wrong with me
because I have a real hard time listening to noise." And for example you
can be sitting in a room with a non HSP and a siren will go by. The sensitive
personal will just startle, and they'll say, Oh wow, that siren was so loud!"
to the non-sensitive person and the non HSP, non Highly Sensitive Person, might
say, "I didn't hear anything." So HSPs have such a more
challenging time, and no one even recognized it. It's much, much more
difficult for sensitive boys than sensitive girls, because in a way, society
expects girls to cry and express their emotions, and boys are supposed to be
tough. As a matter of fact, it's interesting. One study I like to refer to
shows that newborn infant boys are actually more emotional than infant
girls. But by the time a boy gets to be about 4 or 5 years old,
he's learned to repress every emotion except anger, because that's the only
emotion that's ok for males to express. And so for sensitive boy who feels
things deeper than other boys, they usually feel like they don't fit in. And
in preparation for my book, I did a survey of 30 highly sensitive men in
five different countries. And most of the men, especially in North America, had such
a hard time growing up in the culture of some people call it "The Cruel Boy
Culture", where boys are supposed to act tough. And if boys show any sensitivity,
any compassion, any fear, if they cry, the other boys usually just really taunt
them and tease them. So most of the sensitive boys
had a very difficult time, especially in North America. That reminds me of a
wonderful study Elaine Aron quotes in her book, "The Highly Sensitive Person",
that the children from China who were the most sensitive were the most popular.
But the children from North America, and I believe was Canada, were the least
popular - the ones who were the most sensitive. One man I interviewed from
Thailand said even though he was sensitive, the children liked him and
they saw that he had special attributes, and he was elected president of his
class usually. So it really depends on the culture you're growing up in. In my study,
and I do want to say that it was only 30 men so it's not statistically
significant, but we do see some interesting trends. And the men growing
up in North America had to deny their real selves when they were boys. There was one
man I remember, in particular, who played the flute in the band. And he said it was
bad enough being in the band because that wasn't considered masculine, but
there's a whole hierarchy, he said. But if you played the drums, or trumpet, you're
considered more masculine than if you played the flute. So here this
man, when he was a boy, liked playing the flute.
He just had an interest in it.
He was good at it but he ended up quitting the band, quitting playing the flute and
going out for the football team so that he'd be accepted. And he wasn't the only
man. There were so many men who said, "Ah, if I showed my real feelings, if I didn't
act rough and play rough sports, I'd be called sissy or really bad names,
humiliated, "Girl", "Weakling", so they had to deny their real selves growing up. And
it's very, it's a very sad commentary on our society. I actually had a highly
sensitive man tell me that he likes to go hunting. And he liked, as a boy, he used
to shoot off his rifle all the time. And at one level it seems a bit of a paradox
because most sensitive people are very sensitive to the needs of animals and
they don't like violence. As a matter of fact, 85% of the men I interviewed said
they had an anathema toward violence, maybe in the media. But this goes to show
you that every sensitive person is different. So some sensitive men
actually were or are hunters and they like to go off in the wilderness and hunt.
Some sensitive men I interviewed loved athletics and they played on their
school football team, basketball team, soccer team. This is a theory I have and
I could be wrong, but when you look at the United States - who came to the United
States way back when - I'm not talking about the slaves who were forced here, but
the the Caucasian population. These were the men who wanted adventure. They came
to the United States and they had to fight the Native Americans, they had to fight the forests.
And so I think you got more non-Highly Sensitive people,
especially men, coming to the United States. And that's why the whole culture
is based on this individualistic attitude for men and women but
especially for men. You have to be self-reliant. You can never admit you
make a mistake. While on the other hand, I think a lot of the people who stayed in
Europe were busy painting masterpieces like Michelangelo, or writing beautiful
musical cantatas like Mozart. Not everyone of course. And some countries in
Europe can be equivalent to the macho culture of the United States in terms of
men supposed to act tough. But I think a lot of the countries, especially in
Scandinavia, in Holland, you'll see this not such an emphasis on men have to be
tough and strong can never make mistakes. And of course men who have to repress
their emotions and can't ever express themselves have problems in their
relationships, in their job, and with their health, because they can't ever
admit their they're weak, and have anything wrong with them. I was actually
at the local VA hospital recently. There was a great sign that says: It takes the
strength of a warrior to admit that you have emotional crisis.
Because men are taught never to admit that there's anything wrong. It's really
important that if someone is not highly sensitive, we as HSPs don't think, "Oh,
those people aren't sensitive." And I think of my dad, who passed away a few
years ago, who was totally non HSP. We hear a siren or a car backfire and he goes
"What? I didn't hear anything." And pressure never bothered him. He was the most non-
HSP, but yet he was one of the most the kindest most altruistic persons I've
ever met. He was always caring about the poor and
the downtrodden, and always trying to help everyone. And on the same token
you can get a Highly Sensitive person who's not compassionate at all toward other
people because they're so self-absorbed about, worried about their own
stimulation, "Oh this is affecting me. You have to do this you have to do that." So
you can be a very non-compassionate Highly Sensitive person and you can be a
compassionate non-Highly Sensitive person. So that's important. In my
research that I did for my most recent book, every sensitive man had lots of
traits they put down how much they enjoyed being a sensitive person.
First of all, sensitive people are very responsible. They make great workers,
whatever job, because they're very responsible and conscientious. Sensitive
people have deep spiritual experiences. They're very intuitive. They're very in
touch with the divine energy. You have a sensitive to person go out for a walk in
nature. They can see beauty deeper than a non-HSP. They appreciate music art on
such a deep level. They feel love deeper. They can love people. They can love the
world more than non HSP. So there's some really wonderful traits. Many of the men
I interviewed said the fact that they're sensitive and more tuned in makes it
much better. One man, even as a financial
planner, said he's a better financial planner, because he can intuit, and he
could be sensitive to his client's needs and what needs to get done.
They actually, one man said he feels sensitive men are better or a better
catch for being a husband and an employee and a friend because they're so
kind and so sensitive to other people's needs. It's particularly hard, though, for
gay men who have a finely-tuned nervous system, because then they feel left out
from the majority heterosexual population. And then they're left out
from the vast majority non-HSP population. But the notion that all
gay men must have a finally to nervous system is is pure rubbish.
It's very hard, because men who are sensitive have to deny their real selves,
because otherwise people - the men I interviewed said, oh growing up - the ones
who were heterosexual - had to act tougher so they didn't think people would,
would think they were gay. Unfortunately, most non-HSPs condemned people who are
sensitive saying, "What's wrong with you? What do you mean sensitive? You're just
too sensitive! Come on, we're all going out. We're all going to party
tonight. Why don't you want to go out? What's wrong with you?" It's so
important, though, for sensitive people to learn to assert themselves and speak
their truth. And it's okay if you don't want to go to a big party at night, or go
out to a movie on a Saturday night. If you'd rather be more inward and do
an art project or read. But you have to be able to feel okay about yourself and
speaking up. I also say though that it's important to compromise, so if you have a
partner who's non-HSP in you're HSP you work things out. Okay, so you want to go
out to dinner. Let's not go on a Saturday night let's go on a weekday night
earlier. A lot of restaurants have an early bird special. You can go at 5:30 or
6:00 and avoid the crowd. So you always have to work out
situation. Or if you're, let's say, an HSP woman and your non-HSP husband wants to
go rock climbing. So you can go to a park and the non-HSP husband can rock climb
and you can sit and read a book or take a walk in nature. So you're always
wanting to compromise, and don't blame people who are - the tendency, I think
sometimes, to blame non-Highly Sensitive people, because we've been blamed so much
We will tend to blame them. And don't forget 80% of the population isn't
affected like we are. To experience all the positive aspects of being sensitive,
you have to plan ahead and you can't go along with the crowd, and you can't
worry about hurting someone else's feelings. Sometimes well, gee, if I don't go
to this party I might offend someone. If I don't want to get my relative to visit
me, I might offend them. You have to be speaking your truth all the time and
then you have whatever tools you need in your tool kit - which I talk about in my
book "The Highly Sensitive Person Survival Guide"
- may it be using aromatherapy to calm you down, or the staying off the computer and
turn off electronic equipment at night. You have to do whatever you need to do
to quiet your nervous system down. So if you plan ahead, speak your truth to
people - as a Highly Sensitive person, you'll have just a marvelous life