(upbeat music)
- So glad you guys are doing well.
I'm doing okay, I am halfway through my twenties
and I am done with this shit.
(Taylor laughs)
Oh my God, I'm sick of my twenties,
I'm so sick of people telling me to enjoy them,
they're not fun,
they are 10 years of asking yourself,
"Will I outgrow this or is it a problem?"
(Taylor laughs)
(audience laughs)
Is this a phase or a demon?
I just need to know.
(audience laughs)
Am I fun or should I go to a meeting?
(audience laughs)
Someone help me.
(audience laughs)
And people get upset when I complain about being young,
I had a woman come up to me after a show furious,
she's like, "You should really appreciate this time
of your life cause someday you're gonna have
a family like me and you're really gonna miss it."
(audience laughs)
Where are your kids buried? Holy shit.
(audience laughs)
I'm just trying to get to my car, ghost of Christmas future.
(audience laughs)
And if you're sitting there going,
"Taylor, you should be grateful, I miss my twenties."
No, you don't.
What you miss is a time in your life
where you didn't have a lot of responsibilities
because nobody expected anything from you.
(audience laughs)
But do you remember why nobody expected anything from you?
(audience laughs)
Because you sucked.
(audience laughs)
That's what everybody forgets about your twenties,
you were garbage, thinner garbage, but you were garbage.
(audience laughs)
You have no intuition, no instincts,
you can't make decisions, only mistakes,
that's why you're thin in your twenties,
you don't have a gut to listen to yet.
(audience laughs)
There's no mystic bad feeling under your ribs going,
"Hey, maybe don't date a DJ again."
(audience laughs)
Nobody expects me to do shit right,
I'm like, "What can I bring to the potluck, Nana?"
She's like, "Napkins, can you handle that?"
(audience laughs)
"Dry ones this time."
(audience laughs)
"And if they say Starbucks on them, I swear to God, Taylor.
Go to a Dollar Tree, stop ruining Easter."
(audience laughs)
But I've been doing a lot of work on myself.
You have to work on yourself in your twenties,
cause if you don't, then you'll turn 30
and all the shitty parts of your personality will solidify
and that'll just be who you are now.
(audience laughs)
Your twenties are an opportunity to fish trash out
of the lake before it freezes over.
(Taylor laughs)
(audience laughs)
It's like, "Oh, what's that? Co-dependency? Daddy issues?
All right, better get all that out of there
cause winter is coming."
(audience laughs)
- I'm loving my life right now, I love it.
You know, I'm always having fun,
I've always been a fun person,
but you know what I've noticed lately,
who haven't been having fun?
The fucking 20-year-olds.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, 20-year-olds, y'all suck.
(audience laughs)
Y'all are the worst 20-year-olds
in the history of our 20 year olds ever.
(audience laughs)
Let me tell y'all something,
look, the nation depends on 20-year-olds,
if we're going through some bad stuff,
which we always do,
the nation always going through some bad stuff,
if we could still look at the 20-year-olds
and 20-year-olds is just like, "Ooh, Ooh".
(audience laughs)
Then we're like,
"Oh, okay, we're all right, we're all right",
but you look at the 20-year-olds now
and the 20 year olds now be like,
(Leslie screams)
(audience laughs)
"I am so offended."
(audience laughs)
You're like, "What are you offended about?
You've literally only been through high school."
(audience laughs)
"What's wrong, boo, you didn't catch Pikachu?"
(audience laughs)
"Did Pikachu get away from you?"
You better enjoy your damn twenties.
Y'all out here marching.
(Leslie laughs)
(audience laughs)
That is hilarious.
Ain't nobody listening to a 20-year-old.
(Leslie laughs)
(audience laughs)
I never marched in my twenties, the only marching I did
in my twenties was to the liquor store.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, Barcadi! Tequila! Tequila! Tequila!
Do you think I knew who the president was?
(audience laughs)
In my fucking twenties?
(audience laughs)
Hell no.
Every 20-year-old's night should end
with glitter and cocaine.
(audience laughs)
You know what I'm saying?
Not even in that order, you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughs)
Cause ain't nothing like some glitter after some cocaine.
(Leslie exclaims)
(audience laughs)
Any 20-year-olds in the house?
Any 20-year-olds?
(audience cheers)
(Leslie exclaims)
Listless bastards.
(audience laughs)
Ain't got no fricking energy,
Where your energy at?
(audience cheers)
You in your twenties?
You're in your twenties.
You're in your fucking twenties.
With that (indistinct) sweater on, are you serious, bitch?
(audience laughs)
You're in the fucking twenties.
You're in your twenties.
Oh, I'm so mad at you right now.
(audience laughs)
I'm so fucking mad.
What time is it?
You're supposed to be naked.
(audience laughs)
Oh my God, I didn't even own one
of those sweaters until I was 37.
(audience laughs)
Oh, I'm so mad at you.
I bet you got drawers on too, don't you?
(audience laughs)
You got drawers on?
(Leslie screams)
Why?!
(audience laughs)
What you need drawers for?
20-year-old pussy don't need no drawers.
(audience laughs)
It don't need a container.
(audience laughs)
20-year-old pussy contains itself.
(audience laughs)
I am 52-years-old,
my pussy is not containing itself.
(audience laughs)
My pussy is like lava, you understand me?
(audience laughs)
I need a damn geologist or some Spanx in this motherfucker,
do you understand?
Do you understand?
Cause let me explain something to you,
the 20-year-old men have fun,
20-year-old men have fun in their life,
20-year-old men use their twenties up.
They got so much testosterone,
they like salamanders,
you rip their dick off,
another one will grow right back out.
(audience laughs)
They will fuck you, your friend,
go home, get on Tinder, then fuck a sock.
(audience laughs)
- The beginning of a relationship is exciting
because it's brand new,
you're both on your best behavior,
it's still electric,
you're not totally sure about the history
of mental illness in each other's families.
(audience laughs)
It's fun.
And the most nerve wracking part of a new relationship
when you're younger is the first time
a boy comes over to your apartment,
because it's ostensibly your girlfriend audition time,
you want him to come in and be like,
"Oh, it's so homey, I'd like to stay forever."
And you're like, "Yes, come closer."
That's what you want.
You try so hard in your twenties, right?
Because you're young and it's fun,
that's your twenties.
In your thirties,
(Iliza grunts)
(audience laughs)
Your thirties, homeboy knocks on the door, you open it,
you're standing there in combat boots, nothing else
and a garbage can on fire,
you're like, "Welcome to fuckdome, Scott."
(audience laughs)
Ticket? Okay.
But it's interesting cause in your twenties,
it's a weird mental game,
boys coming over for the first time,
you're trying to reconcile the beautiful home
that your mother kept that you lived in growing up
with the beautiful home
that Pinterest says you're supposed to have,
and the fact that you have no fucking money, so...
(Iliza laughs)
And you're like,
"Should I buy a rug or eat dinner? I don't know."
(audience laughs)
It's so hard.
Boys coming over,
you are cleaning like you've never cleaned before
and it's hard because women secretly are filthy.
(audience laughs)
No one wants to laugh about it.
You're like," Hell, not me."
(audience laughs)
And no guy wants to imagine,
"No way, my girlfriend's so hot."
Yeah? Yeah, you think you've got hot girlfriend?
Check the center console of her car.
(audience laughs)
She's owned that car for a decade,
every year, the shit just piles up,
you open that, you're like,
"I didn't know an Acura came with a time capsule",
and you just shut it.
(audience laughs)
You open it again, you just hear, "Help."
(audience laughs)
Like there's just something in there.
It's our little, filthy, secret stockpile, right?
It's a Now That What I Call Music CD,
in case they come back, yeah.
(audience laughs)
It's one of those cable
that plugs from the tape player into the CD player.
It's a spilled nail polish.
It's a little bit of weed dust.
(audience laughs)
It's a Calgon body spray
cause you'd rather smell like a stripper than weed, right?
(audience laughs)
It's a Lip Smacker Dr. Pepper flavor
that's just lying there with a gash in the wax neck,
like, " Tell my children I died well."
(audience laughs)
It's an iPhone four charger.
(audience laughs)
It's some McDonald's napkins.
(audience laughs)
It's a French fry.
(audience laughs)
Times that center console by a million in her apartment,
you are just cleaning with Swiffer and Brawny,
it's like a winter Wonderland of paper towels,
you're just shoving shit under the rugs
because you didn't build a shelf,
I don't know how that fucking works.
(audience laughs)
You're just moving everything,
you put your coats in the oven,
burn them, I live in LA.
(audience laughs)
Take everything.
You take your cat,
you put your cat in the hamper,
"Just for now, Marbles.
We don't know how he feels about cats."
(audience laughs)
You're taking everything.
You're cleaning,
you're discovering new rooms in your apartment, you're like,
"How come the water heater gets its own closet?
Fuck it."
(audience laughs)
You beg your roommate,
you beg your gross out roommate,
you're like, "Please just stay in your room,
you're so fucking disgusting."
She's sitting there on a throne of Wendy's wrappers, like,
"Okay, all right."
(audience laughs)
"But you catch me dick pics, hello."
You shut the door, you're cleaning it,
lighting Glade candles like it's a fucking Catholic mass,
just like, "It smells like ham in here",
you're just trying to make it nice.
He opens the door, you're like, "Hi."
He walks in, he's like, "Oh, your place is cool."
You're like, "Fuck you."
(Iliza sighs)
(audience laughs)