HONEST TRAILER : TWILIGHT ECLIPSE
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Comes the most forgettable Twilight movie
yet…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Witness the continuation of one of the most
forced love triangles in film history…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Where this shirtless guy is clearly a third
wheel.
EDWARD “We don’t need you to handle anything”
BELLA “Ugh!”
NARRATOR Because she told him in previous movies and
in this movie, that she will always choose Shovel-Face.
JACOB “You’re marrying him?”
NARRATOR But that won’t stop her from leading him
on.
BELLA “I’m asking you… to kiss me.”
NARRATOR Just so they can continue to sell “Team
Jacob” t-shirts… and pad the running time, with three-way stares.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Prepare yourself, for two hours of filler,
like...
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Laying in bed…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Walking around outside…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Villains standing around doing nothing…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) And pointless flashbacks for minor characters.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) A movie so gay…
It has groups of shirtless boys
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Shovelface refusing sex.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) And the tent scene out of Brokeback Mountain.
JACOB “I am hotter than you.”
NARRATOR (CONT’D) An actress so terrible...
BELLA “Have you…”
NARRATOR (CONT’D) She speaks with weird long pauses.
BELLA “…imprinted on someone?”
BELLA (CONT’D) “We’re gonna talk about this but…you.”
BELLA (CONT’D) “I would’nt be uh… warm.”
BELLA (CONT’D) “You looked…worried.”
BELLA (CONT’D) “My life is not…miserable.”
BELLA (CONT’D) “Edward is…old school.”
NARRATOR And three movies in, still has the same dumb
expression.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Is every director afraid to tell her to close
her mouth?
NARRATOR (CONT’D) A final battle so unfulfilling, it’s built
up an entire movie…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) but is over about a minute…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) and doesn’t have any impact on the overall
saga.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) A film so bland…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Oh no, this again..
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Even we are running out of things to be honest
about…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) It’s lazy even by Twilight standards.
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Don’t forget to watch this weeks Screen
Junkies episode...
NARRATOR (CONT’D) Where dads answer Twilight trivia for their
daughters…
NARRATOR (CONT’D) We made an eleven year old cry.
NARRATOR (CONT’D And tell me something you’d like to hear
me say in my epic voice.