I was 28 years old,
but I was still a child hanging out in grad school,
still having my parents pay for my car insurance
and hitting the weekly bar specials.
Sure, I had my part time job at Lady Foot Locker,
but I didn't have a washer or dryer.
So I was using my employee discount
and any money I made to buy clean clothes.
(audience laughs)
I knew I needed to make a change.
And my friend, Bonnie, suggested that I apply for an opening
in her medical supply company.
I saw this as an opportunity to make my debut
in the professional world
and have something positive to talk about
in my upcoming high school reunion.
So I moved back to my hometown
and this is how I began my new career selling adult diapers.
(audience laughs)
Now selling adult diapers is not as crappy as it sounds.
(audience laughs)
They set me up with a laptop, a flip phone
and a company car.
I was on the job for only two weeks
when Bonnie asked if I would be willing to drive to Maryland
and take her place in a meeting with some coworkers
from across the company and some important clients.
Sleep in a hotel, Cinemax, room service.
Yeah, I was willing,
my only hesitation was I was so new to the company.
Was I really qualified to represent our district?
Bonnie assured me that all I had to do was show up.
I just had to be there.
In fact, the last thing she said to me before I left was,
"It is impossible for you to screw this up."
I got down there just fine,
but I got a little carried away watching late night TV,
which made it difficult to get up on time in the morning
to meet my coworkers in the lobby at 8:00 AM.
I came strolling out of the hotel restaurant at 8:05
which to me was the same as eight.
(audience laughs)
I saw them right away, my colleagues, the diaper executives,
they had good haircuts and expensive shoes.
And when I saw them looking at their watches
and sizing me up in the suit I had borrowed from my mom
and my big hair,
I knew that they weren't going to see me
as the adorable rookie as I'd hoped.
One of them said, "You have the car, right?"
And that's when I found out that I was responsible
for driving all of us to our meeting
at a local nursing home.
I knew they already hated me for being late once.
So there was no way I was telling them
I still had to go up to the seventh floor
and get my suitcase and the car keys,
but I was slick.
And I said, "Why don't you guys wait out front?
And I'll go down to the parking garage and get the car
and just swing around and pick you up."
Luckily they agreed.
The second they were out of sight,
I raced up to my room as fast as I could, grab my bags
and made my way down to the parking garage.
But the elevators were taking forever
and it felt like it was just so long.
I finally found the car,
but then I had to spend a few more minutes cleaning up
all my Roy Rogers trash and CDs
I had left all over the front seat.
Finally, I was on my way.
As I pulled out of the parking garage,
I saw a little sign out of the corner of my eye
and it said "To lobby" and the arrow on the sign
was pointing in the opposite direction
from the way I was driving.
No big deal, I thought I'll just be going around the building.
But the way I was driving should have had a sign that said
this direction will take you further and further
from the hotel lobby and the three diaper executives
who have now been waiting for you for 15 minutes,
it shot me out into a traffic circle
and I was immediately caught up in the vortex
of swirling cars.
I was forced—
I couldn't merge, I was forced to exit off
to the right down a one way street.
And I'm looking in the rear view mirror
trying to keep one eye in the hotel.
I see my diaper executives out front,
and they're getting smaller and smaller in the reflection.
(audience laughs)
I keep making right turns trying to get back to the hotel,
but the streets are all weird.
And before I know what's happening,
I'm driving North on I-95.
(audience laughs)
And the first sign that I see says "Next exit, nine miles."
(audience laughs)
I immediately became soaked with sweat.
I wanted to throw up.
Explosive diarrhea was a real possibility.
(audience laughs)
And I know you're thinking I had adult diapers in the car,
(audience laughs)
but we didn't wear them except on weekends.
(audience laughs)
The only decision I could come to,
the only thing that made sense
was to keep on driving to Philadelphia.
(audience laughs)
I would get home, put on some sweat pants,
get some lunch and start putting my resume out
on Monster.com.
(audience laughs)
But after a few minutes,
I remembered that I was driving a company car.
(audience laughs)
They would probably want it back.
So as I approached that first exit,
my panic turned to determination.
I got off the exit.
I turned around and I started heading back to the hotel
and I started doing SAT questions.
"If I go 80 miles an hour,
how quickly can I get back there?
If I go 90, how fast can I do it?"
And I started thinking, what story,
what type of lie can I come up with (audience laughs)
that's going to excuse the fact that I've been gone
for so long?
(audience laughs)
And I just thought when they start screaming at me,
I'll just cry, hand over the keys to my new life
and call my mom and dad to pick me up.
I drove faster and faster and I got back there
and there they were still waiting for me out front.
I braced for impact as they got in the car.
They had angry lines for lips.
There was a lot of loud sighing and slamming of doors.
It was a very uncomfortable silence
as they seem to be waiting for an explanation.
But the only thing that came out of my mouth was.
"Hey." (audience laughs)
They were passive aggressive the rest of the day.
(audience laughs)
And I don't know if they didn't know how to bring it up,
or if they were confused by the fact that
I acted like nothing was wrong,
but no one ever asked me why it had taken 37 minutes
to bring the car around from the back of the hotel.
(audience laughs)
Shortly after I got a haircut, learned to tell time
and went on to win sales associate of the year.
(audience laughs)
Carrying with me what I learned that morning.
If you're wearing your mother's clothes
or making your bosses ridiculously late for a meeting,
if you do it with confidence,
sometimes you can get away with it.
Thank you.