Hi! I'm Nicholeen Peck. I am a Teching Self-Government parenting expert. And parents are constantly
wondering if they're even getting through to their children. We want our children to
hear what we're saying. How do we know if we're talking so that they can really learn
from us? We'll that what's this video is all about. I'm going to be sharing with you 4
things that you can do so that you're children will learn when you're talking. First, I want
to tell you a little bit about me. And then we go into 4 tips. So, I'm a teacher. In fact,
I've taught people of all ages all over the world now for over 2 decades of my life. So,
I've taught children in school settings, in community settings, in church settings. I've
taught adults in those same settings. I've taught in conferences. And I've taught to
groups of people who don't even speak my same language. Because I do so much teaching around
the world, I want to make sure that my message is getting through. I want to make sure that
the children and the adults that I'm talking to actually learn what it is that I'm hoping
to present. These 4 tips for learning how to talk to your kids so that they'll actually
learn from you are principles that applies to adults too. Not just children. So, I think
no matter who you're teaching, you're going to find some help with these tips. Tip number
1, no lectures. People do not respond well to lectures. And I know that as a person who
sometimes does trainings for couples that will ask 3 days in a row. So, you have to
make sure that it's not just about what you want to say or what feels good coming out
of your head or your mouth. What you're communicating to them needs to be about them. It needs to
be about they want to get out of your information that you're sharing. Otherwise it's going
to fall flat. So let's talk about lectures and children. Did you know that after about
30 seconds of lecture, you're children just tune you right out? I know because I have
a father who's a good communicator but he also was a lecturer. And I remember shutting
him off. Within 30 seconds, I already knew that he was right. Because I was oppositional
defiant, I pretend I didn't know he was right. So, what did he do? He kept lecturing more
and more and more. And I would ask him, "Why do you keep going on?" And he's like, "Well,
because I'm waiting to see if you will show something sign of change." But because I was
oppositional defiant as a child, I didn't want to show him that his lecture worked.
Boy, if I would have really understood cause and effect, I would've decided, "Oh, I better
show him it works in that first 30 seconds." And he'll just stop talking about it again
and again. Maybe I liked the attention. I don't know. But I do know I wasn't listening.
So, don't lecture. Instead, choose your words carefully. Plan them out. And just say what
needs to be said from your heart to their heart. Think of what they need and then that's
it. Trust from there. Try to think about 30 seconds. You can do it. Tip number 2, tell
stories. Children love stories. In fact, everybody loves stories. And one of their best ways
to learn is by hearing a story. Now, I know you're thinking, "Wait. You said 30 seconds.
Keep it short. Don't lecture. How do I tell story and make my point in 30 seconds?" Your
point just needs to be made in 30 seconds. Don't lecture on the principle you're trying
to drill. But a story is different. A story teaches something that you talking about a
principle cannot teach. That's actually why I spent a lot of time years ago creating stories
for people to learn self-government. These 4 books each teach one of the four basic skills.
This one teaches following instructions. This one teaches accepting consequences. Disagreeing
appropriately, accepting "No" answers and criticism. Those 4 skills take care of 99%
of all their behavioral problems. And they get to learn them through story. And then
I wrote this book too. ROLES: The Secret to Family Business and Social Success. And I
wrote it in a story format so that families could sit down together, hear the story about
the justice family and how they conquer some of their relationship problems and create
a stronger family culture for themselves and get their roles straight and they get to discuss
it through story. That is a powerful way for people to learn no matter if they children
or adult. There some other ways that we use story in our home to teach children as well.
When we teach our children new skills, we practice them. So, other types of stories
that we have are called role plays. We act them out. When a person gets the opportunity
to take a principle, put it into action into a story whether it's pretend or real, they're
going to remember what they did a lot better. They're going to remember what they should
do the next time. So, we tell a lot of stories when I'm correcting my children or teaching
my children, I do something called the pre-teach. And in these pre-teaches, I teach them stories
of what might happen in the future. And then we talk about how they could handle it. One
of the ways I do this pre-teaching that I talk about in my Parenting: A House United
book and in my Teaching Self-Government parenting course is I talk about something called SODAs.
Now I know that seems weird. "Okay, you're giving your children sodas." NO. It doesn't
mean something that you drink. What it does mean is it means problem solving. It means
situation, options, disadvantages, advantages, solution. So, it's a type of exercise that
we do together as a family where we get everybody focusing on what solution is going to be best.
And we do it through a story. The whole problem solving situation starts out with a situation
that's a story. It get's them thinking along the line of a story. So, if you want children
to really learn to hold on to what you're saying, you've got to tell them stories. And
help them get involved in those stories. Then they'll remember for sure. Part of communicating
with children is correcting them. And I think lots of times when we think, "I want them
to learn from me. I want them to listen to me." It's probably a lot of times in the moment
when there's something that needs to be fixed. When you're telling your child they did something
good or telling a child they did something that was a wrong choice, then the best way
to do that is by describing not reacting. So, what that looks like it for me is I say
something like, "Just now, I gave you a no answer. And you looked at me and you rolled
your eyes. And you said I don't care. But what you should've done is you should've looked
at me, kept a calm face, voice and body. Said okay or ask to disagree appropriately and
then drop the subject. Since you chose not to accept a no answer and use all 4 of the
steps, then you have earned an extra chore." Then we go on some practices where we now
have new stories to practice things the right way. So, this is correcting a child by describing
to them what happened, describing what should've happened. And then describing further doing
practices of what they can do to do it better the next time. That way you don't have to
get emotional. You don't have to react. If you get emotional, they'll get on the defensive.
They will go out of the thinking part of their brain. They go into the emotional part of
their brain and then they're not going to learn whatever it is that you wanting to teach
them. Tip number 4, have a teaching mindset instead of a correcting mindset. So, if you
noticed with the description that I just shared with you, it was really optimistic. It was
upbeat. It was like, "This is what happened. This is what should've happened." I wasn't
taking anything personally. So, I wasn't thinking of myself as having to fix problems, fix problems.
Whenever there's problem that needs to be fixed, I think, "Oh, okay. This is an opportunity
to teach my child something." And I actually look forward to the times where I get to correct
problems. I know a lot of people think that might be a foreign idea. "Why would you look
forward to correct problems with your children?" Because that's what I was meant for. I'm their
parent. I'm the person that supposed to teach them and guide them and point the direction
that they should go. So, I am going to think in my mind, "This is a good thing." So, your
mindset as a parent makes a big difference in how they react to your teaching. Because
they can feel whether you're okay with that moment or whether you're bugged by that moment.
If you're bugged by that moment, they will actually think they've been bad. This is not
safe moment. It's not good. "Mom and dad don't like me right now." They start thinking a
lot of drastic things. So, it's important that we keep ourselves ready to have good
communications by actually welcoming those teaching moments. All of these tips are about
having a more loving family culture. If you like this video, I think you're going to really
like my next video which there's a link to in the corner called How to Improve Family
Life and Functioning Through Love?