ANYBOYD WATCH "THE BACHELORETTE" LAST NIGHT?
I DON'T WATCH "THE BACHELOR," YOU DON'T LIKE WATCHING WOMEN
TREATING EACH OTHER POORLY ON CAMERA
BUT I LOVE "THE BACHELORETTE" IF YOU LIKE GREASED UP MEAT
SLABS WHO GET OUT OF A LIMO, WHO LOOK LIKE THEY WERE JUST DOING
PUSH-UPS JUST BEFORE, THAT WAS MY IDEA OF ENTERTAINMENT.
WHAT'S UP, BRO?
WHAT'S UP?
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
WHY TONIGHT YOU BACK OFF, BRO!
OKAY?
BRO, WHY DON'T YOU BACK OFF?
ALL RIGHT.
WHO'S OUT THERE WITH DONNA, OKAY?
IS THAT CURT?
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT A DOUCHEBAG.
NO, WHY DON'T YOU BACK OFF.
I COULD WATCH THAT ALL SUMMER LONG.
( APPLAUSE ) HEY, SKEW EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME, DIEWLD, WE'RE TALKING.
DO YOU MIND, WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT HERE.
I'M JUST READY TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I WANT YOU TO KNOW-- I WANT YOU,
AUDIENCE, TON THAT I'M HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M READY TO TAKE THIS TO
THE NEXT LEVEL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP, BRO?
SPEAKING OF MEATHEADS, YESTERDAY, SECRETARY OF VETERANS
AFFAIRS, BOB McDONALD, TRIED TO JUSTIFY THE LONG WAITS AT V.A.
HOSPITALS BY SAYING, "WHEN YOU GO TO DISNEY, DO THEY MEASURE
THE NUMBER OF HOURS YOU WAIT IN LINE?
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS WHAT'S YOUR SATISFACTION WITH THE
EXPERIENCE?" ( BOO, )
THAT IS ( BLEEP ) GOOFY.
I THINK IT IS OUTRAGEOUS.
YOU CAN'T COMPARE HOW WE TREAT VETERANS TO DISNEY.
FOR ONE THING, DISNEY CHARACTERS GET A PARADE.
WHAT BOB McDONALD SAID WAS -- STILL WAITING.
IT'S COMING VETERANS.
I'M SURE IT'S COMING.
WHAT BOB McDONALD SAID WAS EXTREMELY DOPEY, AND HE SHOULD
FEEL BASHFUL ABOUT IT.
IT MADE A LOT OF PEOPLE GRUMPY, BECAUSE WHEN OUR VETERANS ARE
FEELING SNEEZY OR SLEEPY, THEY WOULD BE HAPPY IF THEY COULD
JUST SEE A DOC.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF NEEDING MEDICAL
ATTENTION, THE N.B.A. ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT IT HAS DECIDED NOT TO
SUSPEND GOLDEN STATE'S DRAYMOND GREEN FOR KICKING STEVEN ADAMS
RIGHT IN THE BASKETTESTICALS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND BOOM GOES THE-GROIN-O-MITE!
I KNOW THIS IS BASKETBALL, BUT DRAYMOND GREEN'S FOOT JUST GOT
TO THIRD BASE!
NOW, GREEN CLAIMED HE DIDN'T HAVE THE CORE STRENGTH TO STOP
HIS LEG ONCE IT STARTED, SO, EVIDENTLY, HE HAD NO OTHER
CHOICE BUT TO LET GRAVITY PULL IT UPWARDS.
I WILL SAY THIS MUCH, DRAYMOND GREEN HAS PROVEN BEYOND A DOUBT
THAT HE'S A BALLER.
DO YOU BUY THAT?
IS IT POSSIBLE?
>> Jon: NO YOU.
>> Stephen: CAN'T BELIEVE THAT, RIGHT?
>> Jon: NO, I CAN'T REALLY BELIEVE THAT.
>> Stephen: AS SOON AS HE KICKTHE GUY IN THE BALLS HE'S
WALKING AROUND SAYING, "I DIDN'T KICK ANYBODY IN THE BALLS.
BACK OFF, BRO."
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A PAIN IN THE BALLS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
THE T.S.A.
NOW AS I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK-- WHEN DID THE T.S.A. BECOME THE
D.M.V.?
THEY'RE HERE TO PROTECT US.
AS I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK, MANY PEOPLE ARE SPENDING THEIR
VACATIONS IN AMERICA'S SCENIC AIRPORT SECURITY LINES.
WELL, THE T.S.A. HAS NOW TAKEN SWIFT AND DECISIVE ACTION, AND
FIRED THEIR SECURITY CHIEF, KELLY HOGGAN.
>> A MAJOR SHAKE-UP AT THE T.S.A. AFTER SEEMINGLY ENDLESS
SECURITY LINES ANGER PASSENGERS AND CONGRESS.
>> NOW, THE HEAD OF T.S.A.
SECURITY OPERATIONS MADE MORE THAN $90,000 IN BONUSES.
HE RECEIVED ALL THAT MONEY DESPITE THE FACT HE WAS IN
CHARGE WHEN T.S.A. FAILED TO DETECT FAKE EXPLOSIVES AND
WEAPONS 95% OF THE TIME DURING COVERT TESTING.
>> Stephen: YES, UNDER HOGGAN, THE T.S.A. CAUGHT ONLY 5% OF
EXPLOSIVES, BUT THEY DID MANAGE TO DETECT 100% OF PERT PLUS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT MAYBE WE'RE NOT GIVING
HOGGAN ENOUGH CREDIT HERE.
YOU DON'T NEED TO DETECT EXPLOSIVES.
IF THE LINES ARE LONG ENOUGH, THE TERRORISTS WILL JUST GIVE UP
AND LEAVE ON THEIR OWN.
"AWW COME ON, SERIOUSLY THIS IS (BLEEP).
I CAN'T WAIT THIS LONG TO DESTROY YOUR CIVILIZATION.
I'M GOING TO THE CHILI'S, TOO."
COME ON, LET'S GO.
COME ON, THEY'VE GOT THE JALAPENO POPPERS.
LET'S GO.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT
ACCENT I'M DOING.
I THINK IT MIGHT BE-- IT MIGHT BE ITALIAN.
I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.