- Wouldn't it feel great to feel like you had more
than two modes when you're trying to express your needs?
If you're riding the rollercoaster
of keeping the peace to all out war,
this video will show you how to stay steady in the middle.
(upbeat music)
I will give you a plan that you can easily remember
when it's time to have those tough conversations.
Solution, just be calm, just stop it,
'cause that always works.
So when your child breaks something
or your partner lies to you once again,
and you feel unseen, unheard, and misunderstood,
staying calm is a struggle.
#TheStruggleIsReal.
Here's the thing, we all experience conflict.
We all know what it's like to not have our needs met,
to be hurt, misunderstood, or to feel attacked.
What almost none of us know
is how to work through the conflict
in a way that brings us closer together
instead of driving a wedge into our relationships.
Conflict can actually create connection
if it is done in a healthy way.
It gives us the ability to more deeply know
and understand one another.
It can create a space where we are seen,
heard, and understood that creates safety and connection.
That is not the side of conflict
that most of us know, though.
We know the brutal, hurtful, confusing side.
So what do we do?
Well, watch Mended Light videos and learn new skills.
So there are three general ways to handle conflict,
to avoid, attack, and affirm.
Avoiders avoid conflict.
They may avoid giving their opinion
or tend to walk away from the situation
or soothe the other person's feeling
while bottling their own.
They may agree outwardly to things
they don't agree with inwardly.
Avoiders often take the blame for things
that aren't their responsibility in order to avoid conflict.
Attackers avoid responsibility.
They often rely on intimidation, a loud voice,
and aggressive body language to get their way.
They can be condescending and forceful,
handling disagreement by taking over.
"You will accept my point of view," is their attitude.
They are threatened by opposing views
and take disagreement personally.
Attackers avoid responsibility for their actions,
shifting the blame to other people.
This results in bullying behaviors
and belittling others to build themselves up.
Their anger tends to be explosive,
kind of like a volcano. (mimics explosion)
They may even come back later
and apologize for getting so angry in the moment.
And what do we want to be? Affirmers.
An affirmer is not threatened by other people's opinions.
They're open to the views of others
and are humble enough to change their mind.
Affirmers take responsibility for their own actions
and apologize when they are wrong,
but don't take blame that isn't theirs.
Even when they disagree with someone else,
they will treat that person with respect.
Affirmers know how to unite and bring people together.
So how do you become an affirmer?
There are five simple steps.
Number one, recognize when you're getting aroused
or feeling strong emotions.
Arousal in the therapeutic world isn't a sexual reference.
It is heightened emotion,
any strong emotion such as anger, fear,
grief, stress, or hurt.
Your response to arousal
is typically a fight, flight, fawn, or freeze response.
Step number two is to stop and calm down.
We say and do things that hurt people when we're upset.
Far too often, we have a strong negative reaction,
and we run with that emotion.
Stopping to calm down will help us to avoid saying
and doing things that we'll regret.
Ask yourself, "What can I do to self-soothe
and calm down when I'm angry or upset?"
Number three is to identify the emotion
underneath the arousal or anger.
It could be grief, fear, embarrassment, shame,
loss, or something else.
Often it isn't the conflict of the moment
we are responding to emotionally,
but a lifetime of microtraumas that have wounded us.
And in that moment of conflict, we are rewounded,
and we respond not to just what is happening in the moment,
but the lifetime of experiences where we felt ashamed,
not good enough, or mistreated.
Number four is to practice powerful perspective taking.
Understanding where another person is coming from
is not the same thing as justifying their behavior.
Empathy helps us to see the person
instead of vilifying them for their actions.
While we may not agree
with the actions the other person took,
we can always empathize with the emotion.
We all know what it feels like to be hurt,
fearful, ashamed, scared, or a dozen other things.
Number five is to express your vulnerable feelings.
Connect with others' emotions.
Expressing your vulnerable emotions draws people closer.
Showing understanding also draws people closer.
Anger or judgment pushes people away.
It takes a huge amount of courage
to express your vulnerable emotions.
What does this look like in a relationship?
We need to look no further than "The Incredibles".
Bob has spent most of the movie
being an avoider or withdrawing.
Helen has spent most of the movie attacking.
He's been having a midlife crisis
and trying to reclaim the glory days,
but he has a paradigm shift when he thinks she's died.
He sees what's really important.
Let's watch this clip
and see what affirming behaviors we can identify.
Shall we?
(dramatic music)
- Are we there yet?
- We get there when we get there!
(wind whirring)
How you doing, honey?
- Do I have to answer?
- Kids, strap yourself down like I told you!
(adventurous music)
Here we go, honey.
Ready, Violet?
Ready?
Now!
(button clicking)
(Helen screaming)
This is gonna be rough.
(adventurous music) (engine revving)
(cars honking)
The robot's in the financial district.
Which exit do I take?
- Traction Avenue.
- That'll take me downtown.
I take Seventh, don't I? - Don't take Seventh!
- Great, we missed it.
- You asked me how to get there and I told you,
exit at Traction.
- That'll take me downtown.
- It's coming up.
Get in the right lane. Signal!
- We don't exit at Traction.
- You're gonna miss it!
(tires screeching) (horn honking)
(Violet screaming)
(adventurous music) (tires squealing)
(glass shattering)
Is everybody okay back there?
- Super duper, dad.
- Let's do that again.
(crowd yelling)
- Wait here and stay hidden.
I'm going in.
- While what? I watch helplessly from the sidelines?
I don't think so.
- I'm asking you to wait with the kids.
- And I'm telling you not a chance.
You're my husband, I'm with you.
For better or worse.
- I have to do this alone.
- What is this to you, play time?
- No.
- So you can be Mr. Incredible again?
- No! - Then what, what is it?
- I'm not. - Not what?
- I'm not strong enough.
- Strong enough.
And this will make you stronger?
- Yes. No.
- That's what this is, some sort of workout?
- I can't lose you again! - Vulnerability.
- I can't, not again.
I'm not strong enough.
(somber music)
- Creates connection, lots of connection.
- If we work together, you won't have to be.
- I don't know what will happen.
- Hey, we're superheroes.
What can happen?
(Violet screaming)
- So what did we see here?
Obviously, they started in a bit of a more escalation space.
Nobody was recognizing body signs of arousal
or stopping to calm down.
Granted, there was villains trying to take over the world,
but Bob wonderfully identified the emotion
beneath his anger, fear.
He was afraid of losing her again.
He was afraid of losing her again,
because of how much he loves her.
Helen practiced powerful perspective taking.
It's not in what she says.
It's in how her face softens,
and you can see she's taking in where he's coming from
and is moved to compassion and love.
They're both practicing affirming skills at the end.
And that vulnerability and perspective taking
diffused the argument and bring them closer together.
An affirmer seeks to differentiate between their experiences
and the person they're interacting with.
They also do not victimize themselves
by saying, "You make me feel..."
Affirmers do say, "When you do X, I feel Y."
Or, "If it were me, I'd feel blank.
I imagine it feels like blank, is that right?"
Being an affirmer works in all types of relationships,
family, romantic partnerships, work.
It sounds so simple.
So what keeps us from doing this?
A whole host of things.
One, you can't do something you don't know.
And unless you've seen
or been taught healthy conflict resolution,
how are you possibly going to do something
that you aren't even aware of?
Number two, arousal, meaning strong emotions.
When we are in a place of strong emotion or arousal,
we react and go straight to a coping mechanism
learned typically from childhood,
which is to attack or avoid or a combination of the two.
The real reason we attack or avoid,
because in conflict, we feel vulnerable,
and we are wired to protect ourselves.
And unless we grew up in a very rare family unit
where vulnerability was accepted and even celebrated,
we learned at a very young age,
it isn't safe to be vulnerable,
and it can be emotionally
and sometimes even physically dangerous.
You are always able to be an affirmer in conflict.
How vulnerable you choose to be
needs to be dependent on how safe it is
for you to be vulnerable in that relationship.
Recognize if another person has the emotional maturity
to hear what you are saying.
Try it out.
Sometimes people will be able to meet you
in a space of safety and vulnerability,
and sometimes they won't be able to,
because they don't have those skills
or they haven't chosen to develop them.
The safety aspect in relationships
is a topic for another video.
If you have questions regarding vulnerability
and safety in relationships,
drop them in the comments below,
and we would love to do a future video on that topic.
As you become an affirmer,
you are able to clearly and calmly draw strong boundaries
in a way that is compassionate
and supportive to yourself and others.
There are times to be compassionate, wise, and immovable.
There is nothing unkind about being firm.
This is where you practice the balance
that defines an affirmer.
Being vulnerable and compassionate,
listening to understand instead of respond,
taking ownership of your behavior,
having the courage to draw boundaries
and to hold others accountable.
While this is supportive to yourself and those in your life,
that doesn't mean they're always going to like it.
I've had unhealthy codependent aspects in my relationships,
even in my marriage with Jonathan, where I have said,
"This isn't serving me or you and I'm not doing it anymore."
Kind of like a script rewrite.
And it can be highly uncomfortable.
The other person may not like it.
Changing the script in relationships takes effort.
Working through the discomfort, insecurities,
and vulnerability is worth it, and I believe in you.
Going into details on how to implement these five steps,
reworking boundaries, implementing new behaviors
when it comes to handling conflict is way more
than we have time for in this video.
But if you are looking for support in becoming an affirmer,
we have a great course in our Mended Light membership
called Closeness Through Conflict.
There are also dozens
of other relationship building courses,
a virtual book club, and monthly live Q&As.
If that is something that would be supportive for you,
there's a link in the description that gives you 50% off.
What are your biggest challenges
when it comes to resolving conflict in a healthy way?
What is one thing you can start doing today
to better support yourself in times of conflict?
Let me know in the comments below.
If you enjoyed this video, check out this other one,
how to deal with a confused mind.
Thank you for spending your time with me today.
And remember to keep shining.
We need your light.
(soft upbeat music)