Item #: SCP-729-J
Object Class: Keter Thaumiel (Guys, you're hurting his feelings!
He's just trying to help!) Steve: Fine.... thaumiel it is...
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-729-J currently resides in Dr. Niles Hessen's office
on her desk.
Where, pray to god, it will stay.
Request testing at your own risk.
It breaches containment at an alarming frequency, but even MTF Nu-7 ("Hammer Down") refuses
to go near the fucking thing, so it does whatever the hell it wants.
We are all at its mercy.
Dr. Hessen has been commanded to turn in SCP-729-J for it to be properly contained…as soon
as someone can get up the courage to write her an email.
Description: SCP-729-J is SUPPOSED to be a toy, but I want to know who the sick fuck
was that wanted to give this thing to children.
The label SAYS it's made of polyester fiber, but we all know it's made of the devil's couch
stuffing.
Or something.
Its reign of terror began during a containment breach of SCP-106.
SCP-106 had managed to trap Dr. Hessen in her office and had successfully corroded a
hole in the door when it caught sight of that goddamn thing SCP-729-J. SCP-106 stopped moving
completely and began staring at SCP-729-J, showing no interest in Dr. Hessen.
SCP-106 then began moving backwards out of Dr. Hessen's office, never breaking visual
contact with that eldritch horror SCP-729-J, until it reached the end of the hall and promptly
rematerialized back in its containment cell.
It should be noted that SCP-106's middle fingers were raised for the entirety of the encounter
with SCP-729-J. SCP-106's reaction is, frankly, perfectly understandable, and several researchers
who witnessed the event were found huddling with SCP-106 in its containment cell.
TESTING LOGS:
SCP-2006
Effects: SCP-2006 screeched upon being introduced, and assumed a form identical to SCP-729-J.
SCP-2006 has not changed form since the encounter.
SCP-1322
Effects: SCP-729-J was sent through the wormhole to the SCP-1322 society.
It was returned 6 minutes later, tied to a white flag.
SCP-303
Effects: When Dr. Hessen was told to walk through a door with 303 on the other side
while holding SCP-729-J, SCP-303 promptly opened the door for Dr. Hessen and ushered
her through before quickly exiting the room, with Dr. Hessen showing no sign of the usual
fear response.
SCP-303 was found six hours later in an abandoned storage closet in a fetal position, sucking
its thumb.
SCP-3000
Effects: SCP-729-J was put on a fishing hook and lowered into the sea, to where the current
position of SCP-3000 was found with radar.
After 2 hours of lowering it into the sea, Dr. Saarland complained about a cramp in his
hand from unwinding the fishing pole and Dr. Bayer took over.
Another 50 minutes later the assumed depth of SCP-3000 was reached.
After 2 minutes, a tug was felt on the fishing pole and SCP-3000's presence swiftly disappeared
from the radar.
As Dr. Bayer also complained of his hand hurting, retrieval of the end of the fishing line was
postponed.
I told them both they should do stretches beforehand, but no, "We play Halo every Friday!",
"Our wrists are trained!".
Should have listened.
- Dr. Baden
The next day, after proper warmup, SCP-729-J was successfully retrieved, along with a crudely
written note attached to it, reading: Alright, I thought we had a deal.
I turn some consciousnesses to spaghetti, and you guys get your regrety-forgety.
But, okay, you won.
You get the forgety stuff for free.
Lifetime supply.
But please, just this one condition!
Keep.
That thing.
Out.
Of.
My.
Ocean!
I'll go for a while.
I need to calm down.
SCP-055 Effects: Dr. Hessen walked into the containment
chamber of SCP-055 holding SCP-729-J. About 5 minutes later, the containment chamber opened
and a calico cat ran into Dr. Hessen's office.
Oh, Pudding, come here!
I brought a new friend for you!
-Dr. Hessen Wait, we even had a 055?
And it's a cat named Pudding?
-Dr. Aksum
SCP-650 Effects: After being exposed to SCP-729-J,
SCP-650 did not appear immediately behind Dr. Hessen as it usually does with others,
nor was it inside its containment cell.
A containment breach alert was sounded as per protocol.
SCP-650 was found seven hours later inside of a storage closet curled up in a ball, and
did not move for approximately twelve hours.
SCP-1048
Effects: When exposed to SCP-729-J, all copies made by SCP-1048 became immobile and have
not regained mobility since exposure.
SCP-1048 appeared alarmed by this, making a gesture like the sign of the cross, and
retreated behind its copies.
SCP-1048 regained the ability to make copies of itself when SCP-729-J was removed.
It now frequently produces art that depict SCP-729-J as monstrous in some form, and cowers
if shown a picture of SCP-729-J.
Not even the teddy?
Aww…
Poor Mr. Buns.
He just wants some friends!
- Dr. Hessen
Try 2317.
Maybe then that hellbeast can be with its own kind.
-Dr. Yvaine
It wouldn't play with him either!
- Dr. Hessen
… My god.
- Dr. Yvaine
SCP-682 Effects: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Long story short, we reclassed SCP-682 as Neutralized.
You don't even want to fucking know how this little fucker killed it.
- Dr. Foxfield
SCP-076 Effects: SCP-729-J was placed inside SCP-076’s
containment area when scans showed that SCP-076-2’s heart was beginning to beat.
All humans exited the room, and researchers watched behind a camera.
When SCP-076-2 got out of SCP-076-1, instead of looking for the nearest human, he looked
straight at 729-J. SCP-076-2 materialized an American M9-Flamethrower and the corresponding
fuel pack.
He attempted to use it on SCP-729-J, but the flamethrower did nothing to it.
When SCP-076-2 ran out of fuel and saw that 729-J was unharmed, he ran back into SCP-076-1
and curled up into a ball.
Crying sounds were coming from the inside of SCP-076-1.
It has been 2 weeks, and SCP-076-2 has yet to come out of that position.
SCP-073 Effects: When exposed to SCP-729-J, SCP-073
took a cup of water, and proceeded to bless it.
SCP-073 then vocalized the phrase: “FUCK OFF, DICKNIPS!” and soaked the little shit
in the holy water.
SCP-073 remained under a table for the remainder of the test, with its fingers in the form
of a cross.
SCP-187 Effects: Upon being exposed to SCP-729-J,
SCP-187 began to vomit and froth at the mouth.
SCP-187 displays rapid emotional changes, switching from screaming and babbling to squealing
and cooing.
SCP-187 is immediately removed.
Upon being interviewed, SCP-187 said "How can such a thing be so ungodly yet so cute?!"
SCP-187 is currently undergoing therapy.
SCP-1915 Effects: SCP-729-J is exposed to SCP-1915.
Upon exposure, SCP-1915 exclaimed while raising his arms high into the air "I QUIT!"
SCP-1915 breaches containment and [DATA EXPUNGED]
SCP-1915 is currently believed to be conversing with SCP-3812 about the futility of Narratives
and plot points, currently debating which of their creators have the smallest dick.
SCP-4812-K Effects: SCP-729-J is launched straight at
SCP-4812-K.
SCP-4812-K begins to scream and writhe around, before charging towards SCP-225-1, killing
itself.
SCP-4812-S and -E are reported at this time to breach containment, both self terminating.
SCP-729-J is retrieved and given back hastily by the GOC, stating it killed the Eros entity
by landing on it.
Note: Upon being asked how he is still capable of talking and reacting in a calm and stoic
manner around that goddamn thing, Dr. Gears spoke calmly, stating "I have actually soiled
my pants the first time I looked at it, and Now I have a super toilet in the observation
deck, with a throw up bucket and shower included.
I honestly am as disgusted by it as you are."
SCP-173 Effects: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Don't ask about it.
No, the war head did not destroy either of them.
No, there was no grand battle.
Yes, there was a discussion.
No, do not go and try searching for the Koitern or the [DATA LOST].
No, not even the Wanderer's Library.
Yes, they did don sombreros.
No, we have yet to remove them.
NO; We will not try this again, less we see an AZ-Class "Fiesta" scenario.
Yes, that is all we found in the second SCP-5000 suit that showed up in SCP-173s containment
chamber.
-Green
“I don’t know.
I think he looks cute with it!”
-Dr.Hessen
SCP-001 Effects: Tom Brady, Quarterback for the Tampa
Bay Buccaneers, was abducted and forced to throw SCP-729-J into SCP-001’s radius.
SCP-001 immediately looked at 729-J and bowed.
A mouth shaped opening appeared on SCP-001’s head, and in a loud voice, it said “My lord.”
SCP-001 then picked up 729-J and put it in the garden on the other side of the gate that
SCP-001 guarded.
729-J was only able to be retrieved when SCP-001 was allowed to have SCP-999 for a day.
Don’t worry, Tom Brady was given, as SCP-3000 so gracefully put it, ‘regrety-forgety’.
- Dr. [REDACTED], head of the Amnestics department
SCP-049 Effects: When exposed to SCP-729-J, SCP-049
appeared to stagger, grasping it's head with its hand and falling to its knees, stating
"The Pestilence… it's… too strong…"
SCP-049 then attempted to crawl towards SCP-729-J, vocalizing "I must… cure you…" but fell
to the ground and and fell unconscious.
"Damn, guess that dude's too strong a plague even for 049" -Dr. Brine
Interview Log:
Interviewed: Dr. Hessen
Interviewer: Dr. Yvaine
Foreword: SCP-729-J was "contained," if you can call it that, in Dr. Hessen's purse, despite
multiple pleas to please just put the goddamn thing away.
Dr. Yvaine: Dr. Hessen.
Tell us the means by which you obtained SCP-729-J.
Dr. Hessen: I mean, it was a little gift I ordered for myself online.
Easter, you know?
Dr. Yvaine: Nothing odd at all about its manufacturing?
Dr. Hessen: Nope!
Dr. Yvaine: And yet we've scoured the factory where it was made for evidence of satanic
rituals.
Odd.
Dr. Hessen: But yeah, he… came in the mail!
It was one of the special scented ones.
Dr. Yvaine: Dear god…
[Addressing Dr. Hessen's purse] - I'm sorry I feasted upon your brethren.
Let me live, and it'll never happen again, I promise.
Just have mercy.
[Addressing Dr. Hessen] What is the nature of your immunity to SCP-729-J's effects?
Dr. Hessen: Properties?
I mean, it's a plushie.
I have it right here.
[Dr. Hessen begins removing SCP-729-J oh god does she think we want that thing anywhere
near us?!]
Dr. Yvaine: NO NO NO FUCK GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME -
Closing Statement: Interview was terminated due to imminent containment breach.