The following trailer is rated 'S' for spoilers.
From Ridley Scott, one of the best directors working today,
And also, one of the worst,
comes the sixth film in the franchise that makes it official,
there are now more bad Alien movies than good ones.
Wah-wah.
When Ridley Scott wanted to wank about the meaning of life for two hours, he gave us Prometheus.
Now, he's back with a good old fashioned Alien flick, that returns to its sci-fi horror roots.
Until it takes a sharp left turn into the same wank job territory as the last one.
"My name is Ozymandias. King of kings. Look up my works, ye mighty and despair."
Save the android poetry for Blade Runner, damn it.
I want the short-hair girl, in a tank top, fighting a xenomorph, who kills it by sucking it in the vacuum of space!
Now that's the Alien I remember!
In a franchise, full of unforgettable characters, experience a chapter where no one stands out.
Except maybe Kenny Powers.
"Let's party."
'laughs"
And meet the crew of the Covenant, married couples who you completely forget are married, until someone says "My wife."
"Never heard my wife scared before."
"Behave yourself with my wife."
"I'm good with my wife's tits."
Cheer, as this gaggle of idiots, are picked off one by one for their terrible decisions.
Like, aborting their mission, because they heard a John Denver song.
(singing) "Take me home.."
"That's f**king John Denver!"
Not wearing protection on a foreign planet.
Opening quarantine rooms with killer aliens in them.
Shooting at your own fuel tanks.
Having shower sex in a horror movie.
Slipping in the same blood puddle,
(screams)
twice.
(screams)
Trusting a robot who clearly loves aliens.
"NOOO!"
And sticking your face over an alien egg, because that same robot told you to!
"Take a look."
Why would you look in the egg??!!
You know, maybe these aren't colonists.
Maybe Earth has a secret program to deport the world's biggest morons.
Forget the humans, as you spend most of your time in freshman philosophy class,
with the androids Walter and David.
Michael Fassbender, jacked and josed, as both characters,
playing two slight variations on a pretentious literature professor.
"Who wrote Ozymandias?"
"Byron."
"Shelley."
Who are both so full of themselves, they literally can't keep their fingers off each other's flute.
(flute playing)
Wow, this is a long flute sequence.
(flute STILL playing)
Seriously, so much flute.
(DO YA LIKE FLUTE?)
I did not expect to associate the Alien franchise with flute playing, but, well, here we are.
Might as well enjoy it.
"Watch me. I'll do the fingering. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
(laughs)
Experience a bad sci-fi script in the hands of a visual genius.
As you soak up, shot, after epic shot.
While ignoring how all the tech looks way more advanced in this prequel.
And thrill as CGI lets you finally see the xenomorphs move around..in full daylight.
Which just looks..wrong.
It's like seeing Batman at the beach.
What's next, CGI Ripley?
NOOOO!!! (not another Rogue One, please)
So enjoy a film, that wants you to ask questions, like,
Who are we?
And, why are we here?
But will have you asking questions like, why should I care?
Why are critical plot scenes on YouTube and not in the movie?
And, wait, how many more of these are they gonna make?
As this latest installment, gives Alien the same prestige as The Terminator franchise.
In that the first two are classics, and it's all been downhill from there.
"Nice to see you."
(ALIEN 6: MORE DAMN FLUTES)
I'll say it, best sci-fi flute work since Picard.
(Flute playing, yet again)
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