(upbeat music)
- [Host] Welcome to Set List Live at
NerdMelt Los Angeles!
(upbeat music) (applause)
- It's hard for me doing props without turn ups.
It's hard for me to do a prop without turn ups.
There my fuel, fuel to my brain.
- You've tried snorting it?
- He's going to level 47.
Mr. Ben Hurley.
(applause)
- [Ben] Thank you guys.
(laughing)
Listen, people live long these days.
K.
Long time ago, live to about 30, 33.
Then you're done.
You die at 33, you become a god.
Everybody loves you.
(laughing)
You live into your 80s,
people have had enough.
(laughing)
Ah it's enough of you.
Oh really, still?
You still here?
It's eight decades of this?
Fuck it.
So obviously just kill everybody at 75.
(laughing)
That's a new proposal going around,
and right after the new world order takes over.
(laughing)
The Bilderbergs are working on this.
(laughing)
Yeah you can laugh, but it's a fact.
You look at the back of the dollar bill,
(laughing)
there's an eye right there in the middle
of the fucking pyramid.
(laughing)
Let's say you got 75 one dollar bills,
(laughing)
that's 75 guys.
(laughing)
Think that's a coincidence?
(laughing)
There any questions so far?
(laughing)
Whales get a lot of props.
(laughing)
Oh the sonar is very advanced.
No, not in the morning.
(laughing)
Whales don't even say shit til about lunch.
(laughing)
No one even knows that.
They're very silent in the mornings.
(laughing)
A lot of people don't know this.
You know what they start talking about at lunch?
They just translate what the roosters
were crowing about.
(laughing)
And why do they say crowing?
They're roosters.
(laughing)
Crows crow about things.
Roosters fucking just roost.
(laughing)
Now a lot of you are obviously asking
yourself right now, you're saying
where the fuck is this farm
(laughing)
that's very near the ocean?
(laughing)
Obviously you underestimate the distance
that a good crow from a roost who roosted
(laughing)
can travel.
Obviously you know nothing about the seas
(laughing)
because audio travels in there.
It's garble to our ears.
(laughing)
Have you ever tried to talk under water?
It sounds like
(noise)
That's how roosters sound naturally.
(laughing)
You send that into the water,
all of a sudden it's like
hey guys, what we're gonna do is
we're gonna fucking rise up and we're gonna
all of a sudden you're gonna meet me at the farm.
And the whales are like
how the fuck are we gonna do that?
We have not even evolved legs.
The rooster's like
it's up to you to figure that shit out.
(laughing)
But I tell you man,
it's a fucking war.
You think the Israeli's and
Palestinian's have it tough.
(laughing)
Roosters and whales fucking hate each other.
(laughing)
That's how dolphins came about.
(laughing)
Needed an intermediary.
(laughing)
The dolphins are the United States
in that analogy.
(laughing)
You're never gonna strike a piece deal.
(laughing)
Between roosters and whales, it's as unlikely
as Palestinian's and Israeli's
ever agreeing on shit.
The only thing that makes less sense about that,
and a lot of it doesn't make sense,
(laughing)
is at least Israeli's and Palestinian's
should have an easier time
'cause they do live near each other.
(laughing)
So maybe the solution
for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict
is just enough trying to make it work,
and move one group into the ocean.
(laughing)
(applause)
Yeah there's a lot of online dating sites.
(laughing)
It's a lot of people who say look,
why not use technology
to meet your soul mate?
'Cause we all know soul mates are bullshit,
and it's just a numbers game.
(laughing)
That's not for me guys
'cause I personally believe magic's gonna strike.
And I will not touch a woman til that day comes.
(laughing)
Because yes we use the Internet
to solve every problem,
to find every match we're looking for,
a new job, a new apartment, absolutely,
a new car, search online.
You wanna buy a used lamp.
(laughing)
I do search thousands of images on Craig's List
(laughing)
to make sure that lamp fits perfectly into my life.
(laughing)
But when it comes to the biggest decision,
the person who's gonna live in my bed,
(laughing)
forever, forever and ever until I'm 75 years old
(laughing)
and the government murders me.
(applause)
I believe in the occult.
Magic will strike, and I just believe one day
I'll be walking down the street
looking through my amazing hat,
and I'm gonna bump into a woman
who will be dressed in a one piece
exposing her legs and a very shiny
sequins outfit.
(laughing)
It's like that beautiful scene where you connect
when you bump into someone's book bag
only there's fucking rabbits and tigers
and fucking doves flying out.
(laughing) (applause)
(upbeat music)
It's my favorite thing to do setless because
I'm very lazy at writing,
and you just hope you don't ramble on
one beat too long.
(mumbles) It was a big applause break
45 seconds before I finished.
Maybe that's where we get off, but not me.
I'll give you a bonus,
a less satisfying bonus.