Hey Live On Purpose parents. One of the most challenging things about being a
parent is when your kids switch on you and become adults.
You're still a parent. How do you be a better parent to young adults? Vicki and
I are at that stage of our life where all of our kids now are adults. They've
reached that magical age where the state feels like they are responsible for
themselves now. This is good news, right? We've raised our kids to adulthood.
Everything should be peachy now. You know if you've got adult kids that that's not
true. You continue to be a parent even when your kids are adults. I remember
saying to Vicki one night as we were talking about a couple of our adult
children and some of the challenges they were facing. I mentioned to her, "Hon,
buckle up. Because we're not driving. But sure sure as heck along for the ride, aren't
you?" And it can be kind of a terrifying ride at times. Here's 5 things that
Vicki and I have learned as we have gotten into that phase of parenting
adults. Number 1 honor them as adults. Yes, they are still your children but
they are also adults. For you to honor that position in their life, I think
means that you back off a little bit and there are three messages. I've shared
this in some other parenting videos here on the channel. I think it applies
especially to our young adult kids. The three messages that you can send to
honor them as adults. Number 1, I love you no matter what and even if. Message
number 2, if you have any questions asked. But we don't cram it down their
throat, okay? Unwanted advice is hardly ever heeded. Message number 3, good
luck. That's your acknowledgment that you're not driving. Your kids are
running their lives. Your adult kids are running their own lives, aren't they?
And that's our way of backing off and honoring them as adults. Simple. Simple
and easy aren't the same thing. We already know that. My second tip today
for parenting these young adults. What do they want? They want freedom. They want
autonomy, they want control over their own life. They don't want you running
their life for them. Because of your experience, you may be able to assist
them in knowing how to get that freedom and autonomy and control. Freedom is not
free. You ask any veteran of any of our Wars, freedom is not free.
It comes at the price of personal responsibility. We call it maturity
sometimes here on the channel. There's another video that we did, several
actually about three stages of moral development. Connect with the positive
parenting playlist here and review some of the videos that talk about that
particularly one that talks about teaching children responsibility. I think
you'll find some good ideas there. Part of our job as a parent is to help our
kids understand how they can get what they want. For young adults, freedom and
control is priceless. Let's help them understand how to get that through their
own personal responsibility. And one of the common conflicts that comes up leads
me to my next tip. Sometimes our young adult children want their space, right?
They don't want us intruding on their space. Let's just have a quick
conversation about what is theirs. And if they're living in your home, that room is
not theirs. Is it? You're paying them mortgage, you're paying the rent so you control
that space, not them. But this is an awkward period sometimes as there's a
transitioning from adolescents and teenagers into young adult years where
legally they're an adult. But in terms of their control over things like their
living space, they're not quite there yet. Here's one way that we can help them.
Talk about rent. And I'm not saying that you should charge them money to live in
that room in your home. Although that's a possibility, isn't it? Most parents feel a
little awkward about that. So, we have a different conversation about rent. Your
young adult child could move out on their own and get an apartment. True? Well,
yes they could. Oh, but they don't have enough money. You might say? Well, why
don't they have enough money? Maybe because they're not practicing all the
adulting skills that we talked about in another video. In fact you could connect
to that, how to be better at adulting. Rent, simply is the compensation you pay
in exchange for control over space. What if you made a different arrangement with
your young adult? You're not asking for money, you're asking for them to do
something that you feel would improve their life. And that becomes their rent.
Quick example: I was working with a mom who's young adult son was doing nothing
more than playing video games. In her home, full-time. Probably more than full
time. I think he was exceeding 40 hours a week on this game. As we had this
conversation, she realized that what she would really value is to see her son
working full-time or going to school to improve his ability to get full-time
work. That's what she would value. And so that became his rent. Now, there's
a lot of ways that you can set this up. But just to get you thinking about that
concept. Have a discussion about rent and what that means about control. The next
tip that I have for you is probably something that you've already learned.
Unwanted advice is rarely heeded. There's a difference between advice and counsel.
As you show up and give advice to your young adult, probably you're going to get
some resistance and pushback. What's the difference between advice and counsel?
Counsel is where you make yourself available and present to your young
adult child with the 3 messages that we talked about earlier. I love you no
matter what and even if. If you have any questions, ask. Because I'm here. That set
you up to provide counsel. And then the third message, good luck. You acknowledge
that there gunner on their life and you are simply here as a trusted adviser.
When they want to ask your advice, they will come to you and you can counsel
with them. I would encourage you to start with a position that sounds something
like this. "Well, you know I'm not sure what's going to be best for you. In my
experience..." And then you share your counsel with them. Don't tell them what
to do. They'll resist that. Simply share your experience with them and then
you're in a powerful position to be a trusted adviser. You'd be really
surprised if I didn't get to this last step and that is remember your job.
Remember your job as a parent is to love them no matter what
and even if. Well, Dr. Paul even if... Even if they're making bad choices? Well first
of all, don't be so darn judgmental. You're calling them bad choices
because it doesn't fit the way you would do it. Remain open to the possibility
that your young adult child is doing the very best they know how to do with
everything that they know including everything that you've taught them. They
already know where you stand on a lot of things. Don't get stuck in that position.
Your job is to love them no matter what and even if. Notice the relief that you
feel when you remind yourself that that's your job.
Because you can do that can't you? They're going to make whatever choices
they're going to make and no matter where they end up, if it's in prison or
if it's in the executive suite, doesn't make any difference to you. Your job
remains the same. To love them no matter what and even if. This whole thing of
parenting is so much easier when we team up and collaborate and form a community
like this great community that we have here at Live On Purpose TV. If you
haven't yet had a chance to check out the Parenting Power-Up. We have put this
program together for you and for this community. Let's band together to create
the most positive parenting outcomes we can. Parentingpowerup.com. Hope to see
you there.