(lively music)
- I can't believe it's about to be the new year.
- Oh, I know, this year flew by.
You have any New Year resolutions?
- I guess I got a couple,
but I feel weird making those.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
It's like there's stuff I wanna change,
but I don't know, it's just hard,
and I always give up.
- Yeah, exactly, same.
- How about you, ex-assassin Danny Blade
(menacing music)
- I resolve to eliminate all who have wronged me.
Each one of these names played a part
in kidnapping my beloved wife.
My goal...
To kill every single one of them,
but I just haven't gotten around to doing any of it.
- I know I mean the resolution that's the easy part right
the hard part is actually doing it!
I mean I have said I'm gonna lose weight for years.
- Ugh every year I say I'm gonna spend less money,
and every year I just spend more.
- Exactly!
Three years ago my dog was taken,
the following my daughter was taken too,
and now my wife has been taken. Three,
But I still haven't gotten around to any of it.
- Why do you think that is?
- I don't know.
I feel like I'm doing everything right.
I've studied my enemy, I know their whereabouts,
I know every single move that
they'll make before they make it.
I tell myself "Danny Blade tonight you're gonna butcher
one hundred people."
- That's a lot.
- I know!
That's why I get so overwhelmed,
I get all in my head
and I end up not killing anybody.
- Ugh Danny Blade you are sing my life
with your words right now.
- Strumming my pain.
- Its like why don't I just get my A** to the gym already?
- I always say "I'm too busy",
but last night instead of going to the warehouse
to slaughter all of the cartel
I ended up watching hours of YouTube videos
on how to sharpen knives.
- Oh my good
- My knives are plenty sharp.
I should be out there using them!
- Well you know every journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step.
- Wow that is so powerful.
- I saw it on a poster at Pep Boys.
It might have been change you oil
every three thousand miles I don't remember.
- Still powerful.
- Either way you know your right.
We need to take it a day at a time,
you know make simple achievable goals.
- Instead of killing everyone in one night,
maybe I should set a goal to kill one person a day.
- Yeah. - There you go!
- UGHH but that would take forever!
(loud bang)
- Change is hard.
- I just wish there was a magical bullet
that I could shoot at one person and it would just
fly around and kill everyone.
- Yeah like Wanted.
- Yes I want it.
- No like the movie wanted.
- What?
- It has the bullet that your talking about.
It like get shot into a bunch of different peoples
heads all at once, like.
- I don't...
- You know what I'm talking about?
- Ummhmm
- Wanted, Wanted!
- I want it.
- Look you know what I think would do you alot of good,
changing you outlook.
- Well I did start a bullet journal.
- (both) Ohhhh!
- Each bullet is meant for a different enemy.
Seeing them labeled and organized really helps me
make sense of it all.
- That's great.
- I think that's awesome.
And you know what we should do?
We should do like regular check-ins,
you know for accountability.
- Oh my god I love that idea!
- Right!
If you need to reach me,
take this coin to the bar at the Hotel Estrella,
ask for a man named Paolo.
He'll know what to do.
- I feel like I could just give you my cell phone number.
- Too easy to track, trust the coin.
- Hey I got 4 pizzas for the cast of College Humor.
- Who ordered them?
(dramatic music)
- Uhhhhhhh
(gunshot)
(Gasp)
- [Pizza Guy] Mamma mia...
- Oh my god...
That pizza would have ruined my diet.
Thank you Danny Blade.
- That one name off the list.
This feels great.
I earned a cheat day.
- Cheat day finally, all right now we're talking!
- Lets go to Vegas.
(cheers)
- Cheat day!
- Hey it's Jess if you like College Humor,
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- There a scene where she eats a cantaloupe
and it gets me!
- Oh my god its hot its really hot!
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Trail that was a typo.
I don't have any trials to give away,
I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that,
I'd buy a lot land I guess ugh god.