welcome back in in today's video today we're going to be talking about well why
have I not been consistently uploading this year as much as the previous years
and I said I was gonna talk about this maybe and well you're right here at him
I'm gonna try to do this one take I'm gonna try to do this without saying
uh-oh I but I got me a little list of things that I supposed to talk about I
feel like it is important for me to talk about this because some things that I
learned I feel like I might be able to help you
so basically stuff has been tough this year and I had to end a relationship
that I've been in and it was not due to really the person so much it's it's the
myth it was my mental health and my mental health was not good and so the
issues that I've been having with my own mental health is like it's made it
increasingly more difficult to handle making YouTube videos and definitely
maintaining any type of relationship so I needed to take a step back and the so
this video is a little bit more difficult than I thought it was I'm just
gonna start it here I knew because of my own mental health issues I was having
trouble with content I was having trouble with relationships it didn't
matter if it was my girlfriend didn't matter if it was relationships with
friends and you just really it was any family relationships anything I was
closing myself off in a box and
I just I couldn't help but I was in therapy I was working through things it
might have been because of a brain injury that I had I don't really know
what to attributed to but I was having a hard time just in general I guess I my
health was not there was a pay attention to my health I guess it I guess it was
depression but it was like a different type of depression than I ever felt and
I wasn't hitting all the points that I was supposed to be hitting I definitely
couldn't keep up with the consistency that I normally had been keeping up with
in the past years I don't really I don't have no no idea I what it is so I knew
that I needed to in the in the relationship that I was in because I
just I couldn't fully commit myself to and I didn't know I just didn't feel
like it was fair that I couldn't fully commit myself to the person I was in a
relationship with and it didn't mean that didn't love that person it didn't
mean then I didn't like that person it was just when you when you're in
avoiding things because no one wants to break up with anybody no one wants to
end anything it's just it's hard change is difficult so I realized that it come
a point to where it needed to end not because of the person but because of me
I don't want to just like put all blame on me it's more of like a necessary
ending in order to restore I think I'm gonna have to restart this whole video
I'm gonna keep going I'm trying to it's just hard stuff to talk about but I feel
like it's really important because this channel means so much to me and so much
has happened this year just you like to get it off my chest that need it's
something that needs to happen there's so much that's going on inside my head
so much that I haven't told you that I wish I could have been
front and honest about I've reached the point where I'm afraid to even do
certain types of content which is crazy because it's when I first started this
channel it was to help with my depression anxiety and I guess somewhere
along the way it that stopped being that stopped helping and it maybe it
attributed more to it now so in a way the thing that you care about most is
also the thing that gives you it causes you the most harm be whatever it may the
one thing for sure was is that I needed to do something I was in a romantic
relationship with my ex that I wasn't giving her the proper attention and I
think because I was avoiding that difficult breakup that difficult
conversation it was manifesting itself into in other
ways such as I was sometimes we we wasn't seeing each other for like a
month at a time everybody in the comments was like where's cinnamon
where's where is she and a that I think we both got to a point to where we loved
each other but it just wasn't working you know and it was not fair to either
one of us and I I had to suck it up and I did the hardest thing that I've ever
done I've been full-on ran over by a vehicle and in a not to sound like deep
poetic or anything like that but I would have rather been hit by a car then go
through the pain of trying of having to break up with somebody because I've
never done that before I've had mutual parts I've been broken up with I've
never broken up with somebody and that's the worst experience of my entire life
I
but I knew it had to be done because I loved I loved her I loved her and it
needed to be done I couldn't just keep on avoiding this and putting her through
my what I was dealing with I knew I needed to take a step back and work on
myself if even we were gonna have a friendship at all in the future that
needed to happen so I remember driving to her house crying on the way trying
and when I got there trying to be completely composed and have that
conversation and then there was a lot of crying involved and it was just
extremely difficult so did that final hug left went to my grandparents house
you know very difficult and then the days after that I just couldn't bring
myself to upload I was the emotions that I was feeling
we were like preventing me from doing this and even talking about it now it's
kind of hard but now I feel like our relationship is even better than it was
before you know we we are hanging out and it's more positive and and things
like that and I'm gonna get off that hard topic to talk about and bounced
into necessary endings which is why I wanted to make this video why I felt
like was important to get it out there to you guys you're gonna have more
people in your life more situations more emotions more everything than you are
ever going to be able to handle so you have to become to understand that you
gotta end and not and cut out certain things it can be closely compared to a
rosebush if you're familiar with taking care of a rosebush you do have to clip
off branches and buds so the flower gets more nutrients to the flower that is
supposed to so it could be the beautiful that beautiful as it can be and that's
closely compared to a human being we're gonna have more branches and more
buds than we're ever going to be able to handle which is more commitments more
people just more everything and we have to become very good at deciding which
things we can do in which things that we can't do so then we have more energy
emotional mental energy to put towards our growth and I do apologize if I'm
saying a lot but I've been cutting things and changing things a lot of you
guys might have noticed on the channel I've recently disabled DMS on Twitter
and other social medias that way I could focus more on talking to the community
as a whole it was become increasingly more
difficult and to just I would dedicate hours a day to just replying back to
people and that's not a healthy thing to do
I was hundreds sometimes thousands people depending on what the traffic was
like for that week and I was just replying and having full long
conversations and I noticed that some of the conversations would be less than and
you guys were getting less of me and it definitely at a pour of a much poorer
State I was just not there mentally and something had to give
so I had to cut that and hopefully things will get better moving forward
but this has been 2019 that's probably been the most difficult year that I've
ever went through and the craziest thing is is that I'm still not used to haters
and credit and criticizers and stuff like that it's like even what I'm
talking about now there's gonna be people that are gonna come in and
they're gonna be like you're manipulating your audience and I swear
it's not very many but people do that and it just blows my mind like I can't
comprehend doing that to somebody or saying that to somebody I never see a
situation where somebody is saying that they're hurting emotionally and feeling
pain and then telling that person that they're lying and they're manipulating
somebody but that's just how some people are and if one thing I read in
book necessary endings bye bye Henry cloud I think it is he talks about
there's three different types of people there's wise people foolish people and
evil people and if you get in an argument with a wise person they're the
type of people that's gonna set down they're gonna talk it out with you
they're going to really try to understand from the other person there's
foolish people who really don't understand either way and they're just
kind of like I really didn't mean to hurt you I don't understand why this
happened and then there's evil people who wanted to percent meant to hurt you
and for most of my entire life I didn't understand the concept of there
just being evil people in the world and I know that probably preaches to the
major naivety that I have in myself but it was only in this year where I started
realizing that and there are people that are out there that are really trying to
hurt me and a lot has might have seen that people making videos on me here and
there and there just didn't matter if there was a truth to the things they
would just be like boom you know this is that and there and I had to like rewire
my brain to understand that there are people out there that are trying to hurt
you and are trying to gain off of you and it was such a foreign concept to me
because I at least in 2012 developed the mon-sat for compassion and I just
generally thought that people when they did something wrong they just haven't
developed emotionally up into a certain specific level and I was trying to have
compassion for these types of people and I would give these people more chances
than they deserved in online and in my personal life and I just wouldn't create
those boundaries that needed to be set which sometimes really put me in a
really bad spot and now understanding that there is wrong and bad people that
mean to hurt you I'm starting to create these boundaries more and it's been such
a an uplifting point in my life and I don't I don't like being in the world
that were there I know that 100 percent there's people that are trying to hurt
you it just is still so such a foreign concept to me
but I don't want to lose the compassion that I have so I continue to have at
least some compassion but if I see something's not working for me I try to
end it as soon as possible now because if I can go through such a difficult if
I can force myself to break up with somebody that I love because just
because you love somebody it doesn't mean that you should stay with them you
got to understand that concept because you love someone because it isn't matter
if they're family it doesn't matter if they're romantically if just because you
love someone does it it's not a good enough reason to stay in keep yourself
in a situation that's not working out for you and that's you really need to
understand well word of that right sometimes you do you do come to a point
where you do need unnecessary ending it's going to be more helpful for you
and them because what I noticed was when I went forward with the necessary
endings that I had to do it be it more difficult as they are not only did it
make me better I don't had to go through pain don't think it's gonna be easy
anything that's worth anything in its promote your growth is going to hurt you
it might hurt for weeks months years but it's good for you and it's good for the
other people as well because that's the one thing I noticed is I'm more happier
the development in me and I see that the same development in the people that I
love and that's what I wanted you know and it still hurts me to think about the
pain that I went through having to happen to end and cut off certain ties
and things like that but it's just it's something that's come it's so important
to do and I can't stress it enough don't avoid these things if you try to avoid
these things it's going to manifest itself in many more adverse ways so
boundaries are important or just by putting it off because it's definitely
easier to put it off like if you know that you have a relationship that you
need to end or you you have a situation that you need to end or people that you
don't want in your life or emotions that you don't want to confront and you avoid
them they're gonna come off as you're just gonna drop it somebody for smoking
a cigarette your design and you're just way too
about them smoking that cigarette but it's really not about that cigarette
it's not about that smoke that bothers you it's the other things that you're
avoiding that's bothering you and growth is important that's what I've always
been wanting this channel to be about is promoting the motivation to push through
anxieties to meet your goals so that I guess the takeaway of this whole video
is that yeah it hurts to end things but it's necessary to do so it was a very
important lesson for me now sometimes that thing the thing doesn't need ended
itself for example let's go with YouTube YouTube is really hard for me sometimes
a lot of times especially this year I don't necessarily want to into YouTube
but there are certain things that I need to end to make YouTube easier you know
so I can go to a 2b I've done a lot of things I have a research team that helps
me now they're not meant to to help with every single video but if they can out
of seven days if they can help with one or two videos that's a significant help
for me I'm trying to get a video editors and again that's not for every single
day if I can do want to help me with edit one or two videos hey that's more
help for me to focus on the things that I can do to develop and grow this
channel we're thinking about actually we're not thinking about it I was in a
call business call earlier we're gonna do a podcast and you might see an
episode or trailer episode coming out in December but for sure we're gonna start
off in January so my mind I've cut out a lot of things I've fixed relationships
you're gonna see a lot of a lot of things that are just a little gonna be a
lot better the development of the channel is gonna be more focused and
stuff like that and I think I might talk about a couple other hard things for me
to talk about the least one more thing that's just on my mind and I keep trying
to push it back
but I feel like in my heart that it is something that needs to be talked about
you know like I don't know I want to think on it more I've been
thinking about it all year but I might say something you know and it's needs to
come from the heart because that's just how it feels but I'm
gonna change I think I got to change the outro to my videos I think that's
another important thing when you talk about the word rip is a word that will
de monetize your videos in every single video put outs to monetize so I think I
need to do fix something so I'm thinking about doing out with the normal outro
that I do and just think going straight to think in patrons and maybe some fan
art I really like what ready declare does I like how engaged with her she is
in her audience and shows all that stuff and I tried to do that as the goal
myself so that and I think I'm gonna have a couple sponsored sponsorships
coming through towards December and I'll try to put that money I get from the
sponsorships towards something good but I guess that's it but if you guys have
any questions for me definitely definitely
hit me up in the comments section because I love you guys
we're the red squad and we're always going to be the reps squad we are one of
the most positive communities on the platform and we always seek the truth