Hello! Good evening! Welcome to The Jim Jefferies Show. I'm Jim Jefferies
and we're back!
And tonight, I'd like to begin the show by mentioning the public feud
between James Corden and Bill Maher.
[Reporter] Maher encouraged fat-shaming on his HBO show "Real Time".
[Maher] Fat shaming doesn't need to end. It needs to make a comeback.
[Reporter] But Corden took the remarks personally.
[Corden] We know that being overweight isn't good for us.
And I've struggled my entire life trying to manage my weight and I suck at it.
Look, after watching these two, I say I'm the perfect person to speak on the subject
because I'm the exact size between James Corden and Bill Maher.
So, for lack of a better term, I'd like to weigh-in.
Uhhh...
Look –
I'm in two minds about this.
Either we should shame everyone or shame no one.
They're both right. Bill,
you're a smug c**t. And James,
you're a fat c**t.
Neither are good attributes.
Look, I've struggled with weight my whole life, right?
The week before this show, I starved myself.
In between the hiatus, I gained 20 pounds and the last few days,
I haven't f**king eaten just to look like f**king this.
Right?
Food is an addiction like any other addiction.
and I would love to live in a world where we don't shame people for it or whatever, but
let's be real here.
We shame every other addiction in our society.
If you're stupid enough to believe that when people who light up a cigarette
don't feel like a bag of shit,
they're not just breathing in smoke going, "what am I doing?
How can I do this to myself? How can I do this to my family?"
Well, they do.
Every time a cocaine addict takes a line of coke,
they literally have to look at themselves in the mirror.
It's a shame that you're fat.
I'm sorry –
You don't get a pass.
You don't! Cigarette packets in other countries have pictures of brown lungs
and people losing their feet and that type of stuff.
Coke doesn't have that.
Beer! Beer should just have a picture of an ugly woman that you might sleep with.
This is an actual medical condition.
It doesn't matter what your sensibilities are.
I watched my mother pass away, uh...in the hiatus this – this summer.
Uh, my mother struggled with weight her entire life.
She made every single excuse under the book.
She had chocolate hidden around the house.
My mother never sat on the floor with me and played with me.
She never got to come out here and see her grandson.
She couldn't get on planes for the last 15 years of her life.
It was a f**king tragedy.
Right?
So, if you are a smoker,
look – or an over-eater, or a drinker, or whatever,
I would like to live in a utopia where nobody is ashamed about anything
and we're all just happy about ourselves. But that's not gonna f**king work.
You have to change for your children because they're watching you.
So, stop smoking, stop drinking, stop doing cocaine,
and stop eating, you fat c**t.
Now...
Maybe that's an unpopular opinion.
I have lots of those.
It's time to start our new segment called, Unpopular Opinions.
[ Game show theme music ]
I asked my staff to submit their own unpopular opinions.
And since it’s my show, I get to decide if they’re right or wrong.
And also, everyone in the studio gets to decide because we’ve given you a voting device.
You press agree or disagree.
Remember, this is anonymous, so be honest.
Here we go.
Unpopular opinion number one.
It’s not that sad when an old person dies.
Studio audience, agree or disagree?
[ beep boop beep boop ]
Ooo, some of our old watchers are at home going, “ah, geez. That’s a bit harsh.”
Turning back to "The Golden Girls" and watching their Life Alert necklaces and –
Look, I think if someone kills someone,
your prison sentence should be based on the amount of time that person had left in their life –
up to the age of 80.
So if you murder, like, a 6 year old, you get, like, 74 years in prison.
Right?
But if you murder a 79 year old, you get one year in prison.
And if you kill someone over 80, you get told,
“what are you doing? Wake up yourself. That’s not very nice.”
Next unpopular opinion!
Missionary is the best sex position.
Lock-in your votes.
[ beep boop beep boop ]
No! You're wrong!
Missionary is underrated!
You only need three sexual positions in this world.
You need: you on top, her on top,
and the spoony one where you’re right on the side a little bit.
Reverse cowgirl is stupid. It’s too flashy.
Also, with missionary, you can fall asleep inside the person, which is nice.
The more you know.
I don’t care about Notre Dame burning down.
Agree or disagree?
Don’t think, just vote!
[ beep boop beep boop ]
Yes!
Who gave a fuck that some pedophile temple went to the f**king ground?
Churches are shit!
They take up too much real estate in the center of cities.
I wasn’t upset when I thought it was the University that burnt down,
killing the ghost of Rudy, who I assume is dead by now.
Look, if God didn’t care enough to stop the fire, why should I care?
The Catholic Church can afford to lose some of their old shit in a fire.
Alright, last one.
White people should be shot in the head in front of their families.
Please don’t vote.
Which one of my writers wrote this?
Prove me wrong, Jim!
That’s Curtis. He’s our one…
tall writer.
That’s it for tonight’s unpopular opinions.
Tweet us your own using the hashtag #unpopularopinions
and we’ll decide whether you’re right or wrong on an upcoming show.
Until then, remember: your private thoughts might be fucked up, but you’re not alone.