(upbeat music)
- Hi, I'm Matteo Lane, and I'm a comedian
from Chicago, Illinois, now living in New York.
My childhood is pretty much "My Big Fat Greek Wedding",
except, Italian, Irish, and Mexican.
I'm the trifecta of Catholicism.
Like when it rains, I'm like,
"Ugh, it's something I did."
I started with standup.
At open mics, it's like you and a hundred people.
So I remember thinking, "What can I do to stand out?"
so I just started singing.
I had this one bit that I used to love doing.
I would come out in falsetto and sing "O Mio Babbino Caro".
I would just, I wouldn't even say anything.
They'd say, "Matteo Lane," I walk up, and just,
♪ O mio babbino caro ♪
And everyone's like, "What the hell is going on?"
And then I said, "That's a true story
"of how I came out to my dad."
Now I just walk up and stage and say, "Yeah, I'm gay."
(funky music)
I love to cook for other people.
I love being in the kitchen.
It's social, it's an enjoyable experience.
I love the fact that I could be making a red sauce
and all the movements that I'm making
are the same movements my mom made,
her mom made, her mom made, her mom.
You know, there's such history with cooking.
I think most of my comic timing comes
from those Sunday dinners at my Aunt Cindy's house,
listening to the family.
We're all one-upping each other
and who can say a funnier story
or, you know, what anecdote does someone say
that's gonna add onto this?
We're all (beep) crazy.
I'm really quite impressive, date me!
I'm somebody who likes to have goals
and I think comedy is where I felt most at home.
I don't really wanna do anything else.
I mean, I go to the gym 'cause I'm insecure,
but I love, love, love, love knowing
that I have things that I'm gonna work on.
Yeah, I can't imagine doing anything else.
I'd be miserable.
- Give it up for Matteo Lane, y'all!
(cheers and applause) (funky music)
- Thank you so much, I'm obviously gay.
So, umm... (audience laughing)
I know, can you imagine?
So I was in Starbucks.
First of all, I don't know
why I keep going back to Starbucks.
We agree it's bad coffee, right?
Like it's not good?
I know, I keep going back.
I'm like a battered wife, I'm like, "He'll change!"
(audience laughing)
And I went to Starbucks once.
I was wearing fake glasses, they had no lenses in them,
but I was feeling myself. (audience laughing)
And I walked in and I'm, you know, like,
"Hi, I'll get a grande Americano."
And then the barista's like,
"Your glasses don't have any lenses in them."
Okay, like, what was I gonna say?
Oh, my God, you're right, I thought this was a Sbarro?
Like... (audience laughing)
Yeah, obviously, bitch, you know.
(audience laughing)
Then her gay coworker overheard
that I was wearing fake glasses
and he was wearing real glasses.
That's another thing too at Starbucks,
I'm not sure why there's always
at least minimum one gay working there.
Am I wrong?
Isn't there always one gay working at Starbucks?
And let me just say this.
If there's one gay working, shit gets done.
If there's more than one gay, nothing gets done.
(audience laughing)
One gay is always manning a sinking ship.
He's like, "Sue, hurry up!
"Let's go, more, what do you want?"
You're like (screams).
Two gays is like, "Ugh, what does she want?"
So... (audience laughing)
So he sees that I'm wearing fake glasses,
he's wearing real glasses.
He just plays the biggest victim.
He just slithers into the conversation.
He's like, "I find it interesting
"that those who don't need glasses choose to wear them
"when we who need them have no choice."
I'm like, "Okay, Jafar." (audience laughing)
I mean, what is this, you know what I mean?
Baristas, please, they're not a barista,
they're employees at Starbucks, okay?
I've never walked into, they're like,
"Buongiorno, Matteo, (speaking Italian)."
It's always those assholes. (audience laughing)
I wanted to move this along.
It's like, yeah, can I just get my coffee?
And then they doubled down, they're like,
"Well why are you wearing those glasses?"
So I said what I thought was really funny. (mumbles)
I was like, "Your job's as real as these glasses."
And they were so mad. (audience laughing)
But don't you boo, am I wrong?
All right, I love you all, have a good night.
Buonanotte. (audience cheering)
(upbeat music)