Today the sun was shining, the birds were singing
and McDonald's' share price in Florida just went way up,
because America just got a brand new dad.
JOHN ROBERTS: Please raise your right hand and repeat after me.
I, Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr.,
do solemnly swear.
I, Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr., do solemnly swear.
That I will faithfully execute.
The office of president
of the United States.
Office of president of the United States.
And will, to the best of my ability.
Preserve, protect and defend.
The Constitution of the United States.
-So help you God. -So help me God.
-Congratulations, Mr. President. -(cheering)
(band playing "Hail to the Chief")
I don't know about you, but this moment
will stay in my memory forever.
Joe Biden's middle name is Robinette?
What?
But that's right-- as of noon Eastern time today,
America welcomed the fresh young face
of Joseph R. Biden as its 46th president.
And despite the pandemic, this inauguration had it all:
former presidents, the youngest inaugural poet,
an amazing singer wearing her own Etsy store,
an old man on his way to the post office,
and even a lady whose outfit
just called me a broke bitch.
Biden was so committed to unity
that he even invited enemies of the state.
No, I’m joking, I’m joking, guys, I'm joking.
Ted Cruz didn't try and overthrow the government,
he just supported the people who did.
Even Mike Pence attended the inauguration
to honor the democratic transition of power.
Kudos to Mike Pence. You can see him there,
with his mask featuring the vice presidential seal.
And as tradition dictates, once Kamala was sworn in,
he gave that very same mask for her to put on.
But before the new president could walk in,
the old one had to be kicked out.
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: There you see Marine One on the lawn
of the White House. President Trump's still there
but is expected to depart any minute
for Andrews Air Force Base and give a final speech
before heading to Mar-a-Lago.
And I can tell you that from the bottom of my heart,
this has been an incredible four years.
-We rebuilt the United States military. -(sporadic cheers)
We created a new force
called Space Force.
And now the stock market
is actually substantially higher
than it was at its higher point
prior to the pandemic,
so it's, uh, really, you could say we built it twice.
I hope they don't raise your taxes.
But if they do, I told you so.
So just... a goodbye.
We love you.
We will be back in some form.
Have a good life.
We will see you soon.
Have a good life?
That's not what a departing president is supposed to say.
That is what you tell your best friend in high school
when she starts dating your ex.
I hope you two are very happy together.
Have a good life! If he dumps you before prom,
I told you so!
Although I do like how he said
he'll be "back in some form."
Because my man knows you got to leave on a cliffhanger.
I'll be back in some form.
Maybe I'll come back as a politician.
Maybe as a mutant fish monster.
Or maybe I'll come back as
one of those old guys with a ponytail.
Stay tuned.
But Trump's last day in office wasn't all just
whining and stealing silverware. No, my friends.
He also made sure to hand out some very nice parting gifts
to all his friends.
NEWSMAN: President Trump announces more than
140 pardons and commutations.
The list ranges from the president's political allies
to nonviolent drug offenders.
Steve Bannon pleaded not guilty to defrauding donors
in a fundraising campaign for President Trump's border wall,
but before the trial could even get underway,
the president gave him a preemtive pardon.
Three former Republican Congressman
and commuted the sentence of Detroit's
former Democratic mayor Kwame Kilpatrick,
who was serving time on corruption charges.
The president also pardoned
rappers Lil' Wayne and Kodak Black
on their separate federal weapons-related offenses.
That's right people, Donald Trump pardoned
a ton of shady people in the last hours of his presidency.
Which means those fraudsters can get back to defrauding
and Steve Bannon can get back to selling Mucinex.
The weird part, though, was how he kept trying
to give prison time to Eric.
I'm sorry, Eric, the rule in prison is one in, one out.
It's just like the nightclubs.
I'm gonna miss you, Eric jokes.
Have a good life.
Now, what was really crazy
is that Trump pardoned
Kodak Black and Lil' Wayne.
Which sounds like a good thing.
I mean, it's cool to pardon anyone, I guess,
but it's a terrible thing to do to a rapper.
'Cause you're taking away their street cred.
Now what are they gonna rap about?
♪ Yeah, young Weezy, baby ♪
♪ I can I get an office job now ♪
♪ I can also get a mortgage at a good rate ♪
♪ Legally buy a gun in all states ♪
♪ Now you see me on the street ♪
♪ On my way to jury duty, where the booty that is goody... ♪
(trails off)
Honestly, if you ask me, I think it's incredible
that Trump didn't pardon himself.
Because it means that even President Trump
looked at Donald Trump's record and decided,
man, I can't let this guy off that easy.
Then again, some people are actually speculating
that Trump secretly wrote himself a pardon
that he can use later.
And, honestly, I hope that he did.
Because he's Donald Trump, so you know he's just gonna
end up wasting that pardon on some bullshit.
Mr. Trump, your car is illegally parked in a handicap spot
and you're getting a ticket.
Well, now's the perfect time to use my one and only pardon.
I'll see you when I come back from my game of golf.
Now, Trump is not the first president
to issue shady pardons on his way out the door.
I mean, Bill Clinton famously pardoned his brother
and a really dodgy businessman whose ex-wife
donated to Clinton's library.
And, yes, don't get me wrong, Trump took it
to a whole new level, but he's not unique.
If anything, I think he should have gone further.
I'm not gonna lie-- I’m really pissed off
that of all the people Trump chose to pardon,
he didn't pardon Joe Exotic.
Because I don't know about you, but I want--
no, I need-- a second season of that show.
I need more Tiger King.
Now the only thing I can watch on Netflix
is that Bridgerton show.
Every day-- Bridgerton, Bridgerton--
and I’m falling in love with that duke.
And I'm sitting there wondering what our babies would look like
if we were a couple.
Probably like us.
And it wasn't just last-minute pardons.
Last night, at literally 1:00 in the morning,
Donald Trump also did this.
Breaking overnight: President Donald Trump signing
an executive order releasing current and former members
of his administration from the terms of their ethics pledge.
That pledge: one of Trump's first executive orders
back in 2017 when he pledged to drain the swamp.
It required Trump's political appointees to agree to
the lobbying ban as well as pledge not to undertake work
that would require them to register as a foreign agent
after leaving government.
So after all that time, talking about
how he's gonna drain the swamp,
the one rule he actually made to reduce corruption
he got rid of right before he left office.
But let's be real, though, people-- electing Trump
to reduce corruption is like hiring Hilaria Baldwin
to handle your PR crisis--
the results are gonna be no bueno.
But on the other hand, I do get why he's doing this.
Trump staffers have to become lobbyists.
I mean, where else are they gonna go with their résumés?
So why do you think you'd be a good employee for Pets Plus?
Well, you guys keep pets in cages
and, uh, we used to keep kids in cages.
Um, okay, we'll be in touch.
And so, with Trump finally gone,
it was time for President Biden
to get the key from under the mat
and settle into the house
that they'd spent all day getting ready for him.
NEWSMAN: Right now the White House residence staff
are going around the White House and boxing up anything
that the Trump family may have left behind.
Trump officials insist that the place is going to be sanitized
with particular care and COVID-19 in mind.
NEWWOMAN: Part of what is going to be moved in
and different in the White House residence
is that the Bidens will, I hear, share a bedroom.
The Trumps, of course, had separate bedrooms.
So this will be switched.
All the mattresses will be refreshed.
NEWSMAN 2: We're so used to seeing the new president
walk up the steps under the north portico
into the White House to be greeted
by the outgoing president of the United States.
And there you saw Joe Biden and the First Lady not greeted
by anybody outside the front door of the White House.
In fact, the previous president had skipped town
before the inauguration.
So Biden left there to sort of be a self-greeter in many ways,
and let himself into the White House, into the front door.
Yeah. Trump wasn't there to greet Biden at the White House,
which is a snub.
But on the other hand, I'm not sure that Trump needs
to be there now because how would that conversation even go?
You know, I actually used to work here
so you don't need to show me where the Situation Room is.
The Situ-what Room?
Now, I know it's Inauguration Day,
and everyone wants to throw a party,
but remember, it's also Wednesday,
which means it's still a work day.
And so after he got back to the White House,
President Joseph Robinette Biden went straight to work.
And let's just say
the White House bathrooms aren't the only place
Biden is looking to wipe out any trace of Donald Trump.
NEWSMAN: Just hours after being sworn in,
President Joe Biden is already putting the pen
to a number of executive orders.
This is common practice as presidents enter office.
NEWSWOMAN: Biden expected to sign
roughly a dozen executive orders,
undoing some of Donald Trump's most controversial moves.
He will immediately rejoin the Paris Climate Accord,
reportedly cancel the Keystone Pipeline,
and will reverse the so-called "Muslim travel ban,"
and take the first step in his fight against COVID,
mandating masks on federal lands,
and extending the pause of student loan payments.
Wow. That is a huge reversal of Trump's legacy.
Rejoining the Paris Accords, canceling the Keystone Pipeline
and even repealing the infamous Muslim ban.
Although with America's COVID rates right now,
I don't actually think that last one
is gonna make much of a difference.
Come on over, Muslim countries. Come on to America.
Actually, we have Zoom now, so... (laughs)
you guys can keep your coughing.
Now, this is really good news, and I'm glad
that America is rejoining the Paris Accord.
But you got to admit, this back and forth--
this must be so weird for other countries.
Because under Obama, America celebrated the Paris Accords.
But then, under Trump, it was like,
"(bleep) the Paris Accords!
Let the planet burn!"
And then, now under Biden, it's like, "All right, guys, I'm...
"I'm back in the Paris Accords. Sorry.
"Yeah, and I'm also back on my meds. (laughs)
Sorry about that."
So my friends, Donald
Jesus-Christ-That-Was-Crazy Trump
has officially departed the White House for the last time.
And I know. I know that many people are angry right now
at the state that he left this country in.
But I implore you to try and look at the few silver linings.
One-- America survived Trump,
and in doing so, displayed its resilience.
And two-- Trump's term has truly exposed so many of the flaws
in America's system. And I know for some,
day one of Joe Biden's presidency may be too soon
to think about fixing America's problems,
but you need to start fixing them now.
Because before you know it, 2024 will be here,
and Donald Trump might be back
in some form.