- If there was one thing you could change
about the way our relationship ended,
what would it be, why?
- You not being such a dick.
- Yeah.
That fucked me up.
A lot.
It really had a lasting effect on me.
That I'm still like unraveling and stuff.
- I know. - Yeah.
- And I'm sorry,
and I know that I can't say that enough times
- I know, well, I paid you back.
- What are your three favorite memories
from our time together?
- Oh. - Oh, we talk about this
all the time. - We do.
Classic Governors Island.
Dancing in the rain.
- Can I just say real quick?
My mom recently asked me,
we were just talking about life,
and she was like, "When was the happiest you've ever been?"
And I actually said that because we were just
so like not,
we didn't care about anything.
Like it was just so,
there was no history,
there was no baggage,
there was just like two 16 year olds in love,
like under the rain. - No baggage.
- There was like no baggage. (laughing)
And I hate the rain.
That's also why that memory's significant.
Cause I would always,
I hated being under the rain,
but we were just so.
- What did we dance to?
- I don't remember.
- The duality between our first and last date.
The fact that we went to the exact,
the exact same restaurant,
and sat in the exact same place,
almost accidentally.
Five years apart from each other.
- Why do we do stuff like that? (laughing)
- Cause we're filmmakers.
- Yeah 'cause everything has to be a movie.
Movie perfect.
- I'm glad it did bookend our relationship,
just the start and the end,
the exact same thing.
It bookended it well.
It felt like an end.
Which is, you don't get that a lot.
- No. - In your life.
- No. - That's a very movie thing.
- Yeah most exes don't talk to each other.
Like they just break up and then.
- Yeah.
Well, we haven't talked too much since then.
- No, that's true.
I think we were doing it to talk eventually.
And then you have one more?
Or does that count as two?
- I think that one time,
in your bed,
it was during the not-official relationship part
of our relationship where I...
just couldn't stop staring at you.
- Oh yeah, this is, oh wait,
was this during winter break?
- Mm-hmm. - Okay.
- And I don't know, recently,
a friend asked me what it was like to be in love.
- (whispers) Really?
And that was, that was the moment I went to.
It would've been a crime to look away from you.
- (whispers) Oh my God.
And I remember that scaring you.
- Ah, yeah - We were in a point
in our relationship where--
- I was really.
- Yeah, there was something about me staring at you
that scared you. - Yeah, yeah.
I remember, I didn't know that was
one of your favorite moments.
That really did scare me.
Yeah, we were like in a weird.
We went through such a weird year this last year.
- Yeah. - You know?
Like, we had like the worst summer.
Ever. - (laughing)
- Like the worst, the worst, absolutely worst summer.
- Yeah - And then,
we were like, all right we can,
let's do this thing,
let's see what happens.
And then, we kinda did it for like a little bit,
we're like, let's make more problems. (laughing)
- Yeah. - It's not gonna work,
like we're still apart from each other
for two more years.
And that I think, I think I like, was feeding off
the excitement of getting back together with you,
that once things started to like settle,
and I realized that,
are we gonna date again?
And I didn't think it was gonna work,
and so like that disappointment made it
really terrifying, like you looking at me
like that 'cause I was like,
I can't lose you all over again.
- Yeah.
- Did the whole thing that happened,
after we broke up,
we broke up after four years,
and then stopped seeing each other after five,
that whole year,
does that feel artificial to you?
- No, it didn't,
it felt unhealthy.
- Oh yeah. - It felt like,
It didn't feel art--
It felt all real.
I felt everything I was feeling was real.
I just felt like I was trying to save a relationship
that was gone.
Like we were never gonna be
what we were in high school again.
And like us being together in winter break
and stuff like that felt like high school,
and that was scary to me.
- Yeah - From what I remember.
Like, because that's not what it was anymore.
And there was so much baggage.
Every single time we hung out.
- (whispers) Yeah. - Like, just every
single time we started talking about,
like, shit that happened,
and it was really.
- It was hard not to.
- Yeah, that's what I'm say--
It wasn't like Governors Island moment.
It was - Yeah, we must--
- That sucks about getting older.
Is that just gonna,
I feel like every relationship,
you just carry like, that baggage,
and I don't know.
- Maybe.
- That's scary.
- If there was one thing you could change
about the way that our relationship ended,
what would it be?
Why?
- You not being such a dick.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
That fucked me up, a lot.
For sure.
Not breaking up with me over Skype
(laughing)
would've been great.
I know we were like miles,
a hundred whatever miles apart,
and you just not being a dick.
That like had a lasting effect on me
and the way I thought about myself.
That beginning of last summer.
Like, it really fucked me up.
- Yeah.
- Like I felt, I was talking about this recently
to like or something,
'cause that's what gets frustrating
about you sometimes with people,
that people thing you're so amazing,
and you are so amazing,
but like you make mistakes,
you have flaws,
you're not the most self-reflective person
all the time.
And that last summer was a really dick-ish time for you,
and like, nobody saw,
and I was very alone in it.
And I like, I saw myself so differently.
It really fucked the way I saw myself,
like, sexually, for a long time.
And like, 'cause it made me feel like you didn't
want to date me,
you just wanted to hook up with me.
And so then, it made me feel like that's all I was.
All I was good for was that, like, you know?
It really messed me up,
it really messed how I dated after that.
I just felt like I was
trying to get back together with you
and that wasn't what you were trying to do.
And just to have that being done by the person
that was so unconditionally in love with you
for four years prior like, really messed me up.
It really had a lasting effect on me,
that I'm still like, unraveling and stuff.
- I know.
- Yeah.
- And I'm sorry and I know
I can't say that enough times
- I know, well, I paid you back.
- Yeah.
Did you feel better after like, --
- After what happened? - I don't know, yeah.
- (clears throat) I don't feel better,
I feel like you have to understand the place
I was coming from,
when I made the choices I made.
And I still feel like I fucked up a lot.
I shouldn't have done it.
But I think we have to understand the places
we were coming from and stuff.
So, what would you change?
Like what would your answer be?
- Well yeah, that's a-- - That would be it? Yeah.
- I wish being in Brooklyn didn't have to be so hard.
Like, just coming home for breaks this year,
was so toxic.
I would change that last day of summer.
- That was the worst day.
- I learned that the thing that you,
I'm not-- - It's okay.
- I learned that you hooked up
with one of my friends,
and I learned,
and that didn't phase me,
I knew that you guys were,
I knew that already.
Or, rather inferred.
But, that every single one of the people
that I called friends tried.
Every single one tried to kiss you,
every, like with ____
that was like this big brother fig–
or used to be a big brother figure,
who– this guy that would watch over you at parties
to make sure that you were safe,
I meant that ____ and you responded with
___ that was my absolute, best friend.
- (whispers) I know. - In Brooklyn
that he tried as well,
and that broke me.
- (whispers) I know.
Did you ever talk to him about that?
- No.
I don't think I need to.
- Yeah.
But why did you get mad at me for that?
- (sighs)
- Like, I obviously understand the other friend,
but, like, I didn't do anything.
- Well, one of the reasons I was mad,
is 'cause you didn't let me deal with it alone.
- I know - I– I, I was...
I was in– not a good place
and I needed to be alone.
- I know.
- And I know you were so scared
of me just dropping you again,
and I understand why you refused to leave,
because that's what we've always done,
we've always stayed and worked it out.
- Until it was, yeah.
- And, that, you staying,
messed me up so much more.
- (whispers) I know, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Like giving in and letting you stay,
and us having sex afterwards,
it made me feel so,
I felt so pathetic
and that stuck with me.
- Yeah.
That was bad.
- I know I shouldn't have blamed you
as much as I did,
but, for one, you wanted me to keep everything a secret.
You didn't want me to tell any of our friends,
so I couldn't confront them.
- Yeah.
- And two, you're a flirty person.
Like-- - Okay but, like,
- No, I know. I'm--
- Like he, like I,
that was not,
that's a little unfair,
that was like I,
that was not me.
- Okay.
- Like, that wasn't, I didn't do anything.
Like that was the first time we had hung out one-on-one
all summer.
I didn't do anything besides sit next to him.
I literally, I didn't do anything,
so I don't think that's really fair.
- (whispers) okay.
- Like, no, okay, I was just,
I don't like not be viewed as like a person either
by our friends,
it frustrates me too.
I got frustrated with you
that I always had to get like, the shit for it.
- Yeah.
- Except for one thing,
I didn't do anything.
- (whispers) Yeah.
- I mean, the one things I did do was
really, really bad,
but, like, I didn't...
- Yeah, I Know.
- But, I get what you're saying.
- It was hard to get past.
- I know. - And sometimes,
like, we've talked about this so much,
intent is so much different than impact.
And that's with both ours.
I mean, I have much less,
I have a way worse excuse than you,
just for the way that I treated you.
- I am so-- - But I didn't do it
vindictively though. - Huh?
- I didn't do it vindictively, like--
- No, I know. I know you didn't.
And, I thought I wasn't either,
maybe a part of me was.
- Yeah. Maybe a part of me was too.
- I was,
I've explained to you before - Yeah.
- I was, for the first time I my life
I wanted to focus on me,
and I took that as not caring for other people.
And you go the brunt of that.
And I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.
It was a bad summer.
- Yeah.
- It was really bad.
I think it's my turn.
- I think so.
- (clears throat)
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