>> Stephen: SIDE WINDA. GIVE IT UP, EVERYBODY, LOUIS
CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND. I LOVE IT WHEN YOU GUYS PLAY
SIGNED WINDA, THAT IS GREAT. I WANT TO GO TO THAT PARTY.
>> SIGN ME UP. SIGN ME UP.
>> Stephen: YOU SOUND FANTASTIC.
NOW, TONIGHT, TONIGHT MY FRIENDS, WE'VE GOT A COUPLE OF
FANTASTIC GUESTS HERE TONIGHT. IF YOU ENJOY THAT TED LASSO
SHOW, BRETT GOLDSTEIN IS ON HERE, HE HAS A NEW SHOW ON APPLE
TV CALLED SHRINKING AND FROM THE NEW CBS HIT SHOW EAST NEW YORK,
AMANDA WARREN IS GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE. SITTING RIGHT OVER.
THERE I UNDERSTAND YOU ALL HAVE SOME-- IS IT TRUE YOU ARE
PLAYING WITH MY OLD FRIEND ELVIS COSTELLO.
>> I'M PLAYING WITH HIM ON FEBRUARY 11th.
>> Stephen: FEBRUARY 11. >> YES.
>> Stephen: WOW. >> WE ARE DOING DUO TOO, SO I'M
SO EXCITED. >> Stephen: WOW.
COULD I GET TICKETS. >> OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO SEE HIM, THAT WOULD BE
FANTASTIC. WHAT SONGS ARE YOU GUYS DOING
IT? CAN YOU TELL US.
>> WE'RE DOING-- ALLISON. ALL THE HITS.
>> Stephen: WOW. GIVE HIM MY BEST.
SAY HELLO TO DECLAN FOR ME. >> Stephen: CHILDREN: WE CAN
LEARN SO MUCH FROM THEM. FOR INSTANCE, ONE THING I'VE
LEARNED IS THAT THEY DON'T KNOW JACK.
THAT'S WHY I DO A SEGMENT ON THE SHOW WHERE I ASK ACTUAL KIDS TO
SEND ME ACTUAL QUESTIONS. AND THEN I ANSWER THOSE
QUESTIONS IN ORDER TO GIVE THEIR PARENTS A LITTLE BREAK FROM THE
MEOW-MEOW. NOW, IF YOU'VE WATCHED MY "KID
QUESTIONS" SEGMENT IN THE PAST, YOU KNOW WE'VE HAD SOME TROUBLE
SETTLING ON A NAME. WE'VE TRIED THINGS LIKE "STEPHEN
TAKES YOUR KIDS" AND "STEPHEN'S RE-EDUCATION CAMP," BUT THOSE
HAD UNINTENDED CONNOTATIONS. THEN WE TRIED TO GO AS FAR AWAY
FROM THAT AS POSSIBLE AND MY TEAM ENDED UP GOING WITH
"STEPHEN DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS."
ALSO, NOT GOOD. SO THIS TIME I WAS VERY CLEAR.
I SAID I JUST WANT A TITLE THAT IS SHORT AND PUNCHY.
SO I'M VERY PLEASED TO SAY IT'S NOW TIME FOR...
STEPHEN COLBERT IS SHORT AND PUNCHY!
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT-- UM, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
HI, KIDS I'M STEF EARN. AND YES, I'M VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE.
BUT YOU CAN BE TOO. ALL YOU NEED IS A TEAM OF
RESEARCHERS PAID FOR BY THE BUDGET OF A TELEVISION NETWORK.
AND RIGHT NOW MY MASSIVE BRAIN IS AT YOUR DISPOSAL.
SO WHO HAS THE FIRST QUESTION FOR STEVE.
>> HELLO, STEFER EN. WHY DO HATS GO ON YOUR HEAD?
>> Stephen: WELL, BECAUSE WHEN YOU PUT THEM ON YOUR BUTT
THEY'RE CALLED PANTS. NEXT QUESTION.
>> WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DINOSAUR.
>> Stephen: GOOD QUESTION, ROMAN.
MY FAVORITE DINOSAUR IS PATRICK. PATRICK DINOSAUR.
GOOD GUY. WOULD YOU LIKE HIM.
NEXT. >> HOW DO MOMMIES MAKE BABIES?
>> Stephen: OKAY, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
THEY MAKE THEM IN THEIR BELLIES. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE
IS SO SQUEAMISH ABOUT THAT. IT IS RIGHT THERE OUT IN THE
OPEN. YOU KNOW THAT REALLY ROUND BELLY
MOMMIES HAVE RIGHT BEFORE THE BABY COMES.
THE BABY IS IN THERE. THAT IS WHAT THE BUMP IS.
AS FOR HOW THE BABY GETS IN THERE, NOBODY KNOWS.
I THINK IT IS LIKE A SHIP IN A BOTTLE SITUATION.
WHO'S NEXT? >> HEY STEPHEN, WHY DO KIDS GROW
INTO GROWN UPS? >> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING,
JACK. THEY ACTUALLY DON'T.
YOU JUST FIND OTHER KIDS WHOSE SHOULDERS YOU STAND ON UNTIL YOU
REACH THE HEIGHT OF A GROWN UP AND YOU COVER YOURSELF WITH ONE
LONG SHIRT, RIGHT GUYS. >> HEY, LET US ANSWER SOME
QUESTIONS. >> Stephen: THIS IS MY TURN,
BRANDON, YOU GOT TO BE ON TOP WHEN WE SNUCK IN TO SEE TAR.
>> OH MAN. >> Stephen: WHO IS UP?
>> HI, STEPHEN. MY NAME IS JUSTICE.
AND I WONDERING HOW I CAN BE A TV HOST JUST LIKE YOU.
>> Stephen: WELL, JUSTICE, THE KEY TO BECOMING A TV HOST IS
USUALLY RIGHT IN THE PERSON'S NAME.
MY NAME IS STEPHEN T COLBERT AND THE T STANDS FOR THE LATE SHOW.
SO SINCE YOUR NAME IS JUSTICE YOU SHOULD HOST A SHOLD CALLED
JUSTICE'S COURT OF JUSTICE STARRING JUSTICE JUSTICE.
NEXT QUESTION. >> STEPHEN, WHAT DID YOU LOOK
LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A BABY. >> Stephen: GET QUESTION,
OLLIE. I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I LOOKED
LIKE WHEN I WAS A BABY. BUT I KNOW I WAS SMALL, BALD AND
ALWAYS HUNGRY SO I IMAGINE I LOOKED A LOT LIKE STANLEY TUCCI.
YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON'T I USE MY HANDY DANDY TIME MACHINE AND
GO BACK AND SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE.
WHAT COULD GO WRONG? BABY STEPHEN, IS THAT YOU?
>> Stephen: NICE JOB, IDIOT. YOU JUST CREATE AID PARADOX THAT
COULD RIP A HOLE IN SPACE TIME AS WE KNOW IT.
>> OH MY GOD, I'M SO CUTE. SAY SPACE TIME AGAIN.
>> GET OUT OF HERE. YOU'RE RUINING THE UNIVERSE,
UNUM NUT. >> BYE BYE.
>> Stephen: TURNS OUT I WAS REALLY SEXY.
NEXT QUESTION. >> DO YOU BELIEVE IN
REINCARNATION. >> Stephen: I DO NOT BUT I
HOPE TO IN THE NEXT LIFE. I THINK WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE
MORE QUESTION. >> HOW DO YOU POOP IN SPACE?
>> Stephen: THAT IS AN IMPORTANT QUESTION, CONNER.
AND TO ANSWER IT, HERE'S SOMEONE WHO KNOWS A LOT ABOUT SPACE
TRAVEL. >> HEY CONNER, TOM HANKS HERE,
THAT IS A GREAT QUESTION. I HAPPEN TO KNOW FROM TALKING TO
PEOPLE AT NASA THAT ON THE SPACE STATION EVERY CREW MEMBER IS
TRAINED TO DRIFT OFF INTO THE BATHROOM AREA WHERE THERE IS A
SPECIAL TOILET WITH TWO HANDLES ON IT YOU GRAB THE HANDLES AND
PULL YOURSELF DOWN UNTIL YOUR CHEEKS FORM AN AIRTIGHT SEESM
YOU DO YOUR BUSINESS, YOU PRESS A BUTTON AND A VACUUM SUCKS ALL
OF WHAT YOU DID AND SENDS IT OUT INTO SPACE WHERE IT DRIFTS OFF
INTO THE COSMOS AND MAKES LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU TOM HANKS.
I FOR ONE LOOK IN ORDER TO MAKING CONTENT WITH AN ALIEN
RACE THAT EVOLVES FROM YOUR POOP.
WELL, KIDS, I HOPE THAT ANSWERED ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS.
AND PARENTS, IF YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS AT HOME, PLEASE POST A
VIDEO TO SOCIAL MEDIA THE WITH THE HASHTAG COLBERT KID
QUESTIONS OR SUBMIT A VIDEO TO THE LINK BELOW.
WE JUST MIGHT FEATURE IT ON OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF.
>> STEPHEN COLBERT IS SHORT AND PUNCHY ."
>> THANK YOU, TOM. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRETT
GOLDSTEIN.