Hey.
What's up?
It's Clayton Olson in Jack Butler.
And in this video, we're gonna talk about Three Signs That You Are in A Toxic Relationship.
Now there are a number of videos out there on the internet around toxic relationships.
Everything from gas lighting, to abuse, these are really obvious signs, right?
And if you're in any of those scenarios, it's probably best that you do leave.
So, what we're going to talk about in this video is we're going to talk about the let's
say the preamble that happens right before a toxic relationship really sets in place
or the very beginning signs of a toxic relationship.
So that when you understand say the first domino that can lead to a disrepair in the
relationship that can't be reconciled, you can start to take action now to get things
back on track.
So, do you want to bring some of the first point?
Yes.
Let's go for it.
So the first point is that you are airing your grievances elsewhere.
So you're talking to your friends, your co-workers, your girlfriends, your guy friends about the
problems you have with your partner but that you're not bringing those things into the
relationship in a way that they can be digested and worked on in the relationship.
You know you might have heard this expression, don't air your dirty laundry in public.
And this is a sort of like a private way of doing that right where you're actually taking
some of your dirty laundry and you're talking about it elsewhere and you're not really willing
to work on and deal with it with your partner.
There is a little bit of a distinction in here because you obviously need to get support
outside of the relationship at times, right?
There's something really healthy about getting reflection, or maybe you're hitting a particular
problem that you've worked on with your partner and it's not kind of going somewhere and you
want to get the support of a coach like us, or a therapist, or just a good friend.
But there's a way that you can do that that actually honors your own participation and
responsibility for what's going down in the relationship.
That is the distinction.
Exactly.
I love that.
And so just to even like further break this apart.
If you think about it are you building a committee that is against your partner outside of the
relationship?
Do you have friends that are hearing all of the complaints and what they're doing is they're
supporting your stance is being right?
Because if they're doing that in that's all of the ammo they're getting when suddenly
you are bringing more things to the table, they're gonna be whispering in your ear that
you need to break up with the person because they're not in touch with the other things
that are actually working in the relationship.
This is what can make it incredibly toxic when you go back to your partner.
Totally.
So it's almost like keeping a fair score of the relationship with the people that you
share about your relationship.
And by the way, you know maybe including your partner in some of the things that you talk
about like if you get some perspective that's useful in the relationship that you actually
bring it back in, so it's not that all the support you're getting is kind of completely
separated from the actual relationship.
Totally.
Alright.
Do you want to cue us up number two?
Number two there is an inability to repair a.k.a apologize between the two of you.
So, John Gottman, a Relationship Researcher, one of the I would say brings a logical scientific
approach to relationship in a way that I've never seen before.
He talks about that one of the keys and the key indicators that a relationship will work
out is whether the partners are open to being influenced by each other.
Now if we take this and we look at what happens when you fight and whether or not people are
apologizing and taking responsibility for their contribution in the conflict, if no
one is willing to do that you're actually going against that key principle or that key
indicator of the relationship lasting because neither of you are allowing yourselves to
be influenced by the other.
If I was to do something that perhaps insulted you, if I was to be mean or maybe I was just
ignorant and I said something that was insulting, but I'm unwilling to apologize for it, I'm
unwilling to get your perspective and validate your emotional experience, and just say that
you know, “Hey.
That's your problem it's not mine.”
All this does is it creates a psychological and emotional gap.
A chasm that begins to widen more and more which builds a perfect bed for resentment,
for bitterness, and for ultimately lack of intimacy.
It’s like the two of you are not on the same team.I like that you bring Gottman in
because most of you listen to this, I'm sure of heard of the 5 Love Languages.
Gottman helped draw my attention to the five apology languages and so even if you never
go and look at that word, you might just want to get curious about what are the ways in
which if someone were to repair with you that you actually feel the repair has happened.
And if someone's gonna repair with your partner how do they feel that a repair has happened
because those things might be different, right?
For you, you might feel like someone's really apologized when they say sorry, or to you
it might be that you have to get you a gift right, or you might need to have a very specific
emotional clearing where you say how you feel and you process it together.
Those are all quite different vectors of what it might mean to make a repair.
Some people actually need to hear sorry several times.
Totally.
And so there needs to be a repetition behind that and we all are different in that regard.
So if there is an inability to take responsibility on either your part or your partner's, that's
something to begin looking at and really having an honest conversation about because it has
the relationship going down a path that is not going to serve the length of it.
So do you want to go into the third one?
Let's go to point number three.
Also point number three is what we're calling covert hostility.
So you would know that you were doing this if you're engaging in behaviors that are rooted
in hostility or contempt, however big or small.
And part of why this can be difficult to sometimes put your finger on is because there might
be micro hostilities or micro contempts that you have against your partner.
What would a micro contempts look like?
Oh, Clayton.
I thought you're gonna ask me that.
Notice that?
That was micro aggression right there – the eye rolling, the exasperated body language.
So a lot of this may be revealed actually not only in the words you use because you
know there's a way of saying something to someone where you're with them and you're
in relationship with them.
And there's a way of saying something to someone where actually there's a sub communication
of “I wish you hadn't asked me that,” or “please don't talk to me,” or “you're
too much right now this is another request that I have to deal with,” or “you're
wrong in some way.”
Now that's the stuff that’s really an important predictor.
That's the stuff that Gottman can have a couple come in for fewer than 15 minutes and make
a really accurate prediction 80%+ about the longevity of their relationship.
It's so fascinating.
If you think about it, 93% of communication is voice tone and body language, right?
So it's only the content.
This is when we talk about this covert hostility that hostility can hide in the body language
and it can hide in the tonality, so are you guys being tasteful when you're talking to
each other?
It's so easy to say you know.
I didn't say that but it's like for instance if we're in a fight and I stop making eye
contact with you and I back turn and leave the room, that is an act of hostility.
And that is also just creating more of a hotbed of a toxic relationship to occur but it can
be really hard to pin each other down on this stuff because it's not existing on the level
of content.
So being able to really sync up with your partner and see and look at the tonality,
the tastefulness, the body language that's occurring around the communication like Jack
is saying it’s super important.
Yes.
Absolutely.
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Yes.
Thank you.