-Hi. In this video, we're going to talk
about three ways that women intimidate men.
[music]
-Hello. I'm Mat Shaffer, your empowerment,
connection, and relationship coach.
We're going to talk about something today that comes up so often with my clients,
how women have a tendency accidentally to intimidate men,
to push them away,
and to really shut them down so that they can't connect with them.
It's a common thing.
I know it's probably happened to you.
It happens to everyone out there.
It happens to a lot of my clients.
I'm going to work you through it.
I'm going to give you three reasons that women tend to do this
and the ways that they do it so you can avoid doing that
moving forward in your own dating and relationship life.
Before I do, take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
so you can get notified when I upload new stuff,
which I am doing literally all the time.
Let's start out by talking about what men want from women.
This may not even be conscious.
A lot of times, it's subconscious.
It's at a deeper level.
It's energetic.
Men are looking for emotional safety and freedom from women.
They are looking to play.
They are looking to have fun
and just be set free from all of the heaviness
and responsibilities of their life.
If you intimidate a man,
if you don't give him that, or if you create a space
in the relational container,
or he's not able to feel free, feel safe,
and feel like he's able to play and be dynamic with you,
then you're not creating this sort of polarity with him
that's going to attract him, and draw him in,
and make him want to be in a polarized relationship with you.
Let's look at a couple of different ways that women have a tendency
to intimidate men in a relationship.
One of the first ones is being too rigid or too polished
in the way that they're showing up.
Ladies, I understand why you want to do this.
You want to present to a man as beautiful and as put together as you can
because you think that's going to impress him.
Here's the problem though,
is that if a man feels like you're trying too hard to impress him
or that you're the sort of polished, rigid person,
that's actually going to cause him to feel intimidated with you.
Maybe he'll disqualify himself from being in a relationship with you.
Maybe he'll just start to make up a story that you're not fun, that you can't relax.
Don't go out of your way to be super, super, polished
on your first handful of dates.
I'm not saying don't look good.
I'm not saying don't be beautiful and put on your makeup or whatever,
but you don't have to be over the top with it.
Men would much rather have you be a little bit loose and more comfortable
and more relaxed in the way that you show up than super polished.
That's something, I think, women do a lot of times with other women to impress them.
You don't need to do that as much with men.
Men will be much more attracted and drawn to a woman who knows she's beautiful
and is relaxed about it
than a who's insecure and trying to prove herself
and is dressed to the nines.
You see the difference there?
It's really more about how you're showing up
than it is about what you're wearing.
Another way women have a tendency to intimidate men
is by a little too early being very clear
about the fact that they have a timeline for the trajectory of the relationship.
That's a very easy way to intimidate a man in the early stages of dating,
because men want to feel that you're there to connect with them,
get to know them, and to see if a relationship is possible,
to let things blossom and grow between the two of you.
That's what he wants.
He wants to feel seen,
and you're there to see what's possible with him,
and dance with him, and play with him energetically.
If you show up and you're like, "Hi, my name's Sarah, and I'm 29.
I want to have a family by the time I'm 31,"
and you put him in this container and in this box
where there is an expectation and a deadline set up,
that's going to be intimidating to him.
I'm not saying that you don't have a space to express your needs
and to express what it is that you want in a relationship.
You absolutely get to do that,
but don't do it at the very early stages of a relationship.
Allow things to develop.
Allow you two to connect and just see what's there at a foundational level.
Then as you two get to know each other,
then you get to share what your vision is for a relationship,
whether you want family or not.
Those are all things that you can express
and co-create with each other
as you move forward in the relationship.
In the early stages, be present, be curious, be playful, be inviting,
and just allow yourself to be in that space
with him and see what's there.
That's how you're going to give yourself the best chance
to develop a powerful connection
with a man and not intimidate him or push him away.
If he feels like he's on a timeline and this is just a baby daddy audition,
he's going to [clicks tongue] check out.
The third thing women do to really intimidate men
and shut them down and push them away,
and again, it comes from that desire to impress him and I understand it,
but this is what women do, is they read the resume to him.
When I say read your resume,
I mean you talk to him about your accomplishments.
You spend all your time telling him about,
"I do this and I did this.
I graduated summa cum laude from this university.
Then I went, I'm now a partner attorney at this law firm, and I do this."
You're just kind of rattling off all the things that you do.
I understand that these things are very important to you.
I know for a lot of women,
especially a lot of women who are very driven and ambitious women,
their careers have been a large part of their life.
I'm not saying you can't talk about what you've achieved,
but if you just talk about it as a list of accomplishments
like you're presenting it to him to impress him
and it's all you talk about,
again, you're not creating that playful, dynamic,
energetic experience with him.
You're honestly showing up with a lot of masculine energy
that's going to depolarize him and intimidate him,
especially if you've accomplished more than he has.
[chuckles]
It's going to cause him to check out.
Listen, I'm not saying that you don't get to talk about the work that you do
and how much you love it.
What I am asking you to do is to present it to him in a feminine way.
Talk about how passionate you are about the work that you do.
Talk about how wonderful it makes you feel to be able to help so many people,
to be able to serve your clients as an attorney or as an executive.
Talk in terms of feeling statements.
Talk in terms of passion.
Help it be a representation of your fire.
Show a man how big your heart is
and how much you love to give and how much you love to serve,
because those are the sort of things that are going to activate a man.
If he can see that you're passionate, if he can see that you're fiery,
and if he can see that your ambition is rooted in your huge heart,
and your passion, and your desire to really help people,
and be nurturing, and serve people in a deep way,
that's going to be activating to him, because why?
Because it's feminine.
If you just go through and you read your resume to him,
that's masculine.
[chuckles]
That's going to intimidate him or it's just going to deactivate him
and push him away.
To bring this thing full circle,
what you want to do is always be asking yourself,
"Is what I'm doing and how I'm showing up, is it soft?
Is it warm?
Is it inviting?
Is it activating?
Is it drawing him forward and deeper into his masculine?
Is it playful?
Is it setting him free?
Or, is it rigid?
Is it masculine?
Is it something that could actually push him away?"
Trying to prove yourself,
trying to demonstrate value by the things that you've done,
or showing up super polished, or any of that,
it's not going to get you the result that you want,
because it's not going to be appealing to his masculinity with your femininity.
It's going to be you trying to sort of out-masculine him.
It's just not going to work.
If you can do this, if you can operate from the space of,
"Is how I'm showing up warm, inviting, activating, and evoking?"
that's how you're going to become magnetic.
That is how you're going to rather than intimidate him,
you're going to activate him and draw him in.
I hope this landed with you.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Take a second.
Hit that little subscribe button,
and let me know what more you'd love to hear me speak into.
I'm always looking for new ideas and new topics to explore.
I'll see you soon.
Bye-bye.