WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" ONE AND ALL.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
TONIGHT I'VE DRESSED IN MY FAVORITE COSTUME: MAN WHO
DOESN'T SLEEP MUCH.
BUT I HOPE THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE SOON, BECAUSE THE MIDTERM
ELECTIONS ARE JUST SIX DAYS AWAY.
AND ON ELECTION DAY, "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER, 11:30, TUESDAY NIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR IT.
LITERALLY, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
THE DEMOCRATS CAN WIN.
THE REPUBLICANS CAN WIN.
TWO THINGS CAN HAPPEN.
TWO-- ANY OF THOSE TWO THINGS COULD HAPPEN.
NOW, LEADING UP TO THE ELECTION, TRUMP'S A LITTLE NERVOUS, SO
HE'S TRIED EVERYTHING TO SCARE HIS BASE INTO VOTING FOR
REPUBLICANS.
AND TODAY HE SPOKE ABOUT A THREAT TO THE ONE THING MOST
PRECIOUS TO HIM: MONEY.
>> IF THE MIDTERMS FOR SOME REASON DON'T DO SO WELL FOR
REPUBLICANS, I THINK YOU'RE ALL GOING TO LOSE A LOT OF MONEY.
I HATE TO SAY THAT.
I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE A LOT OF MONEY.
>> Stephen: I BELIEVE THAT'S CALLED EXTORTION.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"LOOK, I'M JUST GOING TO SAY, REALLY NICE ECONOMY YOU'VE GOT
HERE.
I'D HATE TO SEE SOMETHING HAPPEN TO IT.
I'M JUST SAYING, I'VE STUFFED THE DOW WITH OILY RAGS, AND MY
SON ERIC LOVES TO PLAY WITH MATCHES."
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, HOW DOES HE KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT MACROECONOMICS?
EASY, HE USED TO HOST A REALITY SHOW.
>> I DID "THE APPRENTICE," WHICH BECAME A GREAT SHOW, A VERY,
VERY SUCCESSFUL SHOW-- TREMENDOUSLY SUCCESSFUL.
I DID IT FOR 14 SEASONS, 12 YEARS.
SO SUCCESSFUL THEY PUT IT ON TWICE SOMETIMES.
AND, UH, AS SOON AS I LEFT, THAT SHOW WENT DOWN THE TUBES.
SO YOU KNOW?
JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS, RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW IF I FEEL HAPPY ABOUT THAT OR SAD.
I'VE NEVER FIGURED THAT OUT.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I NEVER KNEW IF I FELT HAPPY,
OR SAD, OR IF I HAD ANY FEELINGS, REALLY.
( LAUGHTER )
SURE OF ARE ANGER AND AROUSAL, USUALLY AT THE SAME THINGS,
OKAY.
THAT'S WHY I SPEAK BEHIND A PODIUM."
( LAUGHTER )
SAYING-- WHAT!
WHAT!
>> Jon: THAT ONE TOOK A MINUTE FOR ME TO GRASP.
>> Stephen: HE'S GOT THE POD I DIDN'T MEAN, LITTLE PODIUM.
AND LATER, DURING TODAY'S CHOPPER TALK, HE DANGLED HIS NEW
FAVORITE RED MEAT.
>> BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP IS A VERY, VERY IMPORTANT SUBJECT.
IN MY OPINION, IT'S MUCH LESS COMPLEX THAN PEOPLE THINK.
I THINK IT SAYS IT VERY LOUD AND CLEAR IN THE CONSTITUTION THAT
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE PROCESS OF WHATEVER THEY'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER )
THERE.
THE CONSTITUTION IS LOUD AND CLEAR:
14th AMENDMENT, SECTION TWO: "ALL PERSONS BORN IN THE UNITED
STATES DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE PROCESS OF WHATEVER WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OBAMA WAS LITERALLY A CONSTITUTIONAL PROFESSOR,
LITERALLY.
AND THIS-- THIS-- THIS BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP THING IS
TRUMP'S SOUP OF THE DAY.
THIS MORNING, HE TWEETED:
"SO-CALLED BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP, WHICH COSTS OUR
COUNTRY BILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND IS VERY UNFAIR TO OUR CITIZENS,
WILL BE ENDED ONE WAY OR THE OTHER."
( LAUGHTER )
THE OTHER"?
IS HE THREATENING BABIES?
(AS TRUMP)
TO DELIVERY ROOMS TO STOP THESE LITTLE INVADERS FROM CROSSING
THEIR MOTHERS' SOUTHERN BORDERS, I SAY WE SEND THOSE TROOPS,
SEND THEM STRAIGHT BACK THROUGH CERVIX-ICO ALL THE WAY TO
HOND-UTERUS!" YOU'VE GOT TO GO-- THEY'RE
BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
>> Jon: REALLY, REALLY?
>> Stephen: THIS TIME OF YEAR, CERVIX-ICO IS BEAUTIFUL THIS
TIME OF YEAR.
THE POINT IS IT'S POINT IS--
THE BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP ISSUE IS A TRANSPARENT AND RACIST PLOY
TO TURN OUT THE REPUBLICAN BASE FOR THE MIDTERMS.
OR SO I THOUGHT.
THEN I SAW THIS: A MANDARIN DUCK MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARED IN CENTRAL
PARK, EVEN THOUGH IT'S USUALLY ONLY FOUND IN CHINA AND JAPAN.
IT'S CLEAR WHY THE DUCK IS HERE-- SHE'S GOING TO LAY HER
EGGS ON AMERICAN SOIL SO SHE CAN HAVE ANCHOR DUCKLINGS!
( LAUGHTER )
SOCIAL SECURITY, BECAUSE MOST OF THE OLD PEOPLE WHO FEED DUCKS
ARE ON SOCIAL SECURITY.
IT'S A LITERAL HANDOUT.
THE PRESIDENT ALSO TRIPLED DOWN ON THE DIRE THREAT SHAMBLING
1,000 MILES AWAY FROM OUR BORDER.
THIS MORNING HE TWEETED: THE CARAVAN IS MADE UP OF FIGHTERS
AND PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: DOES THAT MEAN SOME OF THE FIGHTERS AREN'T
PEOPLE.
ARE THEY STEPHEN MILLER?
WHAT ARE THEY?
AND HE WASN'T DONE SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF PEOPLE.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, HE TWEETED:
"OUR MILITARY IS BEING MOBILIZED AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
MANY MORE TROOPS COMING.
WE WILL NOT LET THESE CARAVANS, WHICH ARE ALSO MADE UP OF SOME
VERY BAD THUGS AND GANG MEMBERS, INTO THE U.S.
OUR BORDER IS SACRED, MUST COME IN LEGALLY.
TURN AROUND!"
HE IDEAL IT AT THEM.
HE IDEAL, "TURN AROUND."
DOES HE THINK THE FOLKS IN THE CARAVAN ARE READING HIS
TWEETS?
"HOLD UP, EVERYBODY.
HOLD UP!
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SAYS WE GOT TO TURN
AROUND.
WELL, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.
BACK TO THE DEATH SQUADS, EVERYBODY!
LET'S GO.
ARIBA!
WE GOTTA GO.
I DON'T KNOW-- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU IN SPANISH-- I'M
MIDDLE EASTERN."